BPDFamily.com

It probably says a lot that I feel compelled to start this story with 'sorry' for taking up your time...

My partner of 15 years had clinically diagnosed BPD and was in therapy for a number of years. We broke up in December 2019, just before the start of the pandemic. Her BPD was 'quiet' and there was no drama or huge fights but in the relationship I was clearly a caregiver. We get on well and still talk.

The thing is, I broke up with her because I met somebody new at work and I had never felt this way about someone before. Although that person had a boyfriend who she lives with, we have been seeing each other for the last 2 years, throughout the pandemic. This woman had all the signs of BPD and it has been a stormy two years. She has cheated on her boyfriend multiple times before over long periods of time, showing little remorse and blaming him for always studying. Those previous men still text her, still drop gifts off at her house and when she gets a text from them I have seen her face light up at the attention while I'm there. I thought she had BPD from her emotional intelligence and reactions and encouraged her to see a therapist without giving her any diagnosis - just insisting that it would help her with working out who she wanted to be with.

And then this weekend... on Friday we met up, things were normal. On Saturday she called me and asked me to come to talk so I went and she told me she had told her boyfriend everything and wanted to work on her relationship with him. I know she hasn't told him everything, just about being with me, not the other men. I know she will keep them in her life and she has made it clear she wants to keep me around. I will not be part of this.

I've never lost like this. I knew the deal the whole way through, I know the deal now but... I love how she could make me feel and how I felt around her. It's addictive. We would text all day long when we couldn't see each other and I feel like a part of me has just been ripped out. In the grieving process, I feel like I'm at depression - I can't find motivation or see the point of anything. My stomach is twisted up and I have no appetite. I'm constantly in tears. I suppose this is shattering.

I feel so stupid and ashamed that I could put myself through this. I've had no contact today and have written myself post it notes stuck up around the place:

"She has BPD"
"Know your worth"
"She is not 'with' someone else, she is 'using' someone else"

I understand that if she really loved me then this could never have been a thing. I have enabled it and enjoyed it. I feel like I let myself down.

Hi nerves,

*welcome*

I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site. I can relate with the push /  pull from these types of r/s’s as well as many members on this site.. You’re not alone. I’m glad that you decided to join us. It helps to talk.

It sounds like you had a long history with your ex of 15 years and when you met this person the experience probably reintroduced things that you were missing in your r/s that made things invigorating and new.

Have you talked to a T ( Therapist ) or an MD about feeling low?

Thank you for the reply. No, I have not - it is on my list of things to do.

I have been reaching out to friends, trying to share and get some additional insight.

I just miss her and want to break the 24 hours of no contact I've achieved. More than anything.

What feedback have you gotten from family and friends?

Universally they have said that it would be best for both of us to have no contact with each other.

Part of the problem for me is that I live in a different town to most of my friends and have got quite isolated during the pandemic. I am trying to make plans, see people and make sure I keep myself distracted. As an introvert, this is hard for me and I know I will run out of energy soon.

It is a future worry but I will invariably have some contact with her again, whether she reaches out (currently she is respecting my request to not call or message me and we are now 36 hours no contact) or whether there is some work related reason for us to have contact.

I can only describe the last couple of days as like being in a pit. A lot of the time I am on my knees in tears at the bottom of it. Sometimes I can stand up, sometimes look up. I have considered that climbing out will take some effort. It doesn't take much to bring me back to my knees.

Part of me wants to make sure she is OK and dealing with this. She has had her out of office on for the past two days so I assume she is taking sick days and will be hurting too.

Her response to my request to not call or message me was to say "I will respect this. But please let me know when I can talk to you. Please please please." This feels like an attempt to immediately blur the boundary: what could she have to say to me at this point?

Im sorry that you’re going through a difficult time.

To deduce where you are today in regards to no contact. There’s reasons why your family and friends said that you should not have contact and you probably spent some time thinking about reasons as well as to why you shouldn’t have contact.

Why did you decide no contact?

I don’t think that’s it to blur the boundary. It sounds like it could of been a surprise. Is this the first time that you’ve had no contact? Maybe you talked about it in the past but didn’t implement it and that could the reason why she said it this way.

I decided no contact because I needed space and if there is contact I will hang onto threads: I don't believe it will work out with her bf so I will just spend my life in more limbo. I feel like I deserve to be with someone that just wants to be with me. Maybe there does need to be another conversation where we actually agree no contact - I'm sure she's feeling bad as well.

A friend advised me that this could be the case and that in that conversation I should be focusing on what I want rather than what she wants, what will help her with her life or her relationship with her bf or what I want for us.

48 hours no contact now.

I messaged her this afternoon to say that if she wanted to talk then I could exchange a few messages or talk on the phone. She replied and said she just wanted to know if I was OK.

I said no I'm not ok. She said she was in pain too and sent me pictures of diary pages documenting life without me (remember she's still living with her boyfriend who she is working on the relationship with) and telling me how she had to have two days off work.

At this point I felt like I could just see it was bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). She wants me to hang around like the other men she keeps in her life. I told her that no contact was working well for me, was likely best for both of us and I would block her and delete her number after the conversation but would be professional with any work stuff that came up. She said it didn't feel right and it hurt. I told here she would heal and that it gave her more chance with her boyfriend and me with my own healing. She sent a heart. I said goodbye.

She is blocked, number deleted, all old messages in the process of being deleted.

No contact clock restarts.

What do you mean here? Do you mean that if you continued with the current course that she would not have incentive to break up with her bf? Let me put it you in another way, if you have a romantic r/s ( relationship ) with while he’s the main r/s that she’ll likely stay in the main r/s with him?

Is she in more than two r/s’s?


I agree with your friend.


Let’s say that if you continue and no judgment here- she’s in her main r/s and if she’s in a r/s with you she has nothing to lose and everything to gain right?

 If you decided that you can’t continue to be in a romantic r/s with her then it puts her in a position where she has to contemplate if she wants to stay in the main r/s or not.

I agree with you this break gives you a chance to reset your own clock and gives you the space and time to heal and to think about the reasons why you chose not to continue.

It’s not easy breaking up obviously especially when your ex displays traits of BPD or is diagnosed it makes it a very difficult experience. It helps to lean on others while you’re going through it with people that are familiar with it.

I mean that since she has decided to focus on her r/s with her bf, if we stay in touch regularly then I will be unable to do so without holding onto the hope that she will end it with him and want to be in a r/s with me. I cling to threads. For example, she told me during the break up conversation that she feels she has to try and make it work with her bf because of the length of their relationship. She has also previously alluded to the idea that if we did break up then perhaps that pain would make her realise she wanted to be with me. Things like this come together in my head and cause me to get stuck in a weird limbo as I hope things will work out. The only way for me to save myself from it is abstinence.

I do not believe she is in more than two r/s's at the moment. Her relationship with her bf is 10 years old, our relationship two. Before me, there was another man who she was seeing for about two years. She has slept with one other person as well. The other two people are still in her life and message her, one of them every couple of days - he also showed up to her house about a week ago and left a bunch of presents for her. I got pissed off and she agreed to tell him that this was not appropriate and enforce a boundary. She told me she did this. I don't know how reliable any of this information is now - if you asked me a week ago I'd have said I am the one person she is honest with and I trust her not to lie to me (although she will be clever with language).

Thank you for engaging with me here. It has really helped just to write it down and document what's happening internally. Eternally grateful.

I’m passing along the help that I received here and I’m glad to hear that you’re finding that it helps to talk.


That makes sense. However you reached to this conclusion for example - perhaps intuitively a faint voice told you that if you hang in there - you’ll continue to suffer.

There is a possibility and I’m just saying this and you could of already deduced this to yourself in regards to what if she shifts to another man and not you. I’m not saying because you’re not worthy I’m just saying that it would feel devastating if you developed an attachment with her that’s a two year attachment and you want more in this r/s and if the main r/s with her bf of 10 years finally breaks then she shifts to another main r/s it could be you or it could be possible that it could be someone else.

It sounds like how the r/s is today is not something that is working for you in it’s current form.


However this is rationalized for her the message is that she’s still attached to him - it could be possible that there is something in this r/s that her bf provides for her that the other r/s’s don’t. It’s also difficult to leave a r/s where you have a long history with the other person.


As you friend previously said, she has things that she has to sort out that belong to her and if she has other r/s’s they can be a distraction from her internal issues - she sounds like she doesn’t like to be by herself.

That’s her compartment - it’s not something for you to worry about other than let’s say if you do become exclusive and she breaks up with her long term bf - two years is also long term - what are your house rules if both of you were together? For example, have you thought about the other r/s’s or her ex bf if the dynamics change? What would your boundaries look like?

Have you thought about drawing a hard line with her in the sense that if there are other guys that you’re done with the r/s? I don’t think that her bf of 10 years has drawn hard lines with her if she has other r/s’s.

Those are things to thing about if you decided to pursue the r/s further in the sense that she does end up breaking up with him but I she has something with you and something with him she has no reason to move off center because she has control in the r/s.

I have thought about some of these things:

We may never speak again but it has only been 24 hours no contact and as you say - two years is a long time and I believe that we had a very strong attachment.

She may break with her b/f and go to someone else: I suspect I will never know as she would be unlikely to engage with me again. She isn't on social media.

She may stay with her b/f and try to get back in touch when she feels she needs something.

She may break with her b/f and decide she wants to be with me. This last one is the one that haunts me and I don't know if it's healthy for me to think about it. Coming back from the gym right now I wanted her to be standing on the doorstep with a bag saying "I made the wrong decision, please can we work it out."

If she left her b/f, removed him and these other men from her life and committed to long-term therapy (which she never liked going to) then I would work it out with her with no hesitation. It would be hard, my friends would say I'm insane and I know what I would leave myself open to but I would. I love her.

I think that it’s natural to want something that you don’t have. The same goes for her as well. Maybe she needs time to think about what you mean to her. If you rescue her from her feelings she’s not going to reflect on what it means to have that void if you’re not there.


She means something to you you’ve spent two years with her. She’s special to you. She may not go to therapy it’s something to consider - you could pick up the tools on the staying board that will help with these emotionally intense r/s’s.

You have a pattern right now and if you’re not rescuing her or giving her what she expects it’s going to make her pause and think - it’s possible that she’s going to shift to another r/s depending on how uncomfortable she is with her feelings but in order to shift the dynamic of the r/s you have to change the pattern to acquire different results.

As you have realized that hanging in there for different results is not helping and you want something beyond what you currently have. It’s ok to want more maybe you’ve outgrown the r/s maybe she needs to realize that you are your own person with your own needs and can’t cater to what she wants and if she wants to have you then you’re not going to settle for anything else than a r/s and if doesn’t want that then if she changes her mind then she knows where to find you.

It’s going to give you space to heal and to self reflect and also give you a chance to see things from a different perspective. It’s hard when you get distracted by the constant emotional needs of others. It doesn’t give you time to think about what you need - it takes time for the fog to lift.

It’s good to hear that you’re distracting yourself with going to the gym.

She is special to me and I think this might be the first conversation I've had where someone really acknowledged that. Thank you.

It's also the first conversation that's acknowledged her pain; I know she will be hurting too. Thank you again.

These last few days have been the worst I've felt in my life. We broke up 5 days ago so for anyone else who is going through something similar, these are some things that have helped:

1) Expressing it. Whether it is talking to friends, posting on here or writing it down on a piece of paper that will never get sent. It helped to frame and re-frame events, offering perspective. Nobody that I reached out to was distant or reluctant to help. It also helped to relieve some of the shame of the r/s: remember this was (and is) a secret from many of my friends and colleagues.

2) Change location. I got physical distance and went to stay with a friend. I would not have done this except that they happened to call and I broke down in tears. They insisted I come. So I went and it felt much better.

3) Acceptance. Whatever phrase helps: for me it was "the present is the result of a long chain of events and decisions that are in the past and you cannot control."

4) Make a plan for activities and keep yourself busy. List out stuff you like to do that will distract you. Make more plans. Stay with friends. Catch up with as many people as possible. I have counted down the hours at points. It really is step by step and that's ok.

Today has been difficult.

It's been the first day I have really had to keep myself occupied - off work and with no plans. Coupled with the fact that it's a week since I last saw her and things were normal, I've been extremely up and down.

I was doing OK until I had to book some flights and travel and it was just too much. I broke down crying and ended up turning on Teams just to see if she was online and was just in tears staring at her profile picture. I looked through some old photos too. I can't bring myself to delete them or throw out some of the things she gave me.

The fantasy that she will just show up is stronger today. I also keep checking my work email for something from her (this is how we used to communicate initially). I just feel ridiculous.

It's been 48 hours no contact again. I feel like I must be closer to breaking it than her. I keep telling myself - she isn't really with someone else, how can she be 'with' someone she has cheated on so many times and still hasn't told the full truth to? It even crossed my mind today that she could have another r/s already lined up and has just repeated the previous pattern of having another guy again.

In reality, I'm sure she's just sad and, like me, trying to keep busy and having ups and downs. It's the conflict that's getting to me: I know no contact is best for both of us but I want to see her, speak to her, hear her voice and her laugh so badly. There is a doubting voice that says "if it feels this bad it can't be 'the right thing' so reach out to her and maybe you can work something out." I know that this is not the truth and that something needs to change but it's so tough.

You’re right it is difficult. If you weren’t doing this and reached out and went back to the way things were she’s in control again - there’s an into so reason why you chose this - what is currently in place is probably making you feel angry and resentful towards her because this isn’t what you bargained for - you’re allowed to want more and if she provide that for you - you attracted her there’s a quality about you that will attract other women.

It feels bad because you’ve followed a certain pattern for the last couple of years and you’re not getting the input that you’re accustomed to - this is temporary- the conflict that you’re experiencing is that you’re intuitive is telling you that if you stay the course that you were in it’s going to prolong your suffering.

Ill share the advise that a social worker shared with me when he started me on my fitness journey - if you have nothing to do then go to the gym.

Great advice and thank you for staying engaged with this thread.

I went to the gym the past two days and am going tomorrow but needed a rest today. Also great advice because not only do you feel better, you get fitter!

Also booked my first therapy appointment today, which is in a week. Looking forward to starting that journey.

Nerves I've been following along and I am going to echo my comrade here, but with a twist. If you have nothing to do then go to the gym or do something constructive and productive. Try to make it something novel so it steals your attention and focus. The more something to takes your attention and shifts your focus the better off you will be. The point will be replacing what you have been feeling and obsessing about. Is this method going to make you completely forget about it? No, but you will come to a point where it doesn't dominate your mind or affect you as intensely and you will be able to shrug it off. You will be better at just accept what is. Make sense?

Be kind to you and take care of yourself. Hang in there and hold your head up high and realize that you do deserve happiness and good things. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thanks SC, that chimes.

I've discovered that over the past several years I've been increasingly in my own head and less and less present. One of the things that really caused me to fall hard in this relationship was how every time I was with her I was totally in the moment. So, I'm trying to find things that get me into a state of flow but also try and practice things like noticing my breathing and actively listening.

Thank you for adding to the thread, really appreciate any words of support!

Now at 4 days no contact and I got through yesterday without crying. Today too but there's still time...

I've been keeping busy, going to stay with friends. It's fascinating to talk to people about this experience and see the variations in response. This weekend's friends were mostly indifferent - they just said it sounded tough and the conversation moved on. Other friends have been initially sympathetic and then adopted a 'you just need to get over it' or 'I don't understand why you even like her' mentality. I would say only one has really understood it as a deeply painful and emotional experience. It definitely feels like it's getting harder to talk to the same people about it but it's not something I really want to discuss widely (for example, I wouldn't discuss it with anyone from work).

The fantasy element has really kicked in over the last 36 hours. I really want her to reach out and say "I need to talk to you". I have checked my work email multiple times in case she's sent something. I've thought about just sending a little reaction to a message on Teams at work and maybe she'll send me one back. When I get back home I want her to be standing on the doorstep, furious that I wasn't there when she arrived.

I mentioned it in another thread but I've realised I'm probably not OK on my own. I need my friends to reply to stuff instantly at the moment, to distract me. I downloaded a couple of apps out of feeling I should date but I don't really know what I want, what I'm motivated by or what actually makes me happy. Carrying some esteem issues and craving attention/validation I suppose.

The other thing I keep thinking is that sorting myself out is going to take more energy than I feel I have. Things I was doing for her were effortless, things for myself were hard work. Now she is gone, everything feels like hard work. This seems to be another esteem issue.

It sounds like there was some validation and invalidation as well. The friends that were somewhat invalidating you may have a hard time completely empathizing with you because they’re going to judge it from their personal experience - they’re not dealing with a mental illness in their r/s’s and then you get the people that have mindset that is more calloused with responses that are as you said get over it

Some people want to help and other people are not comfortable with their own feelings so you can imagine how they’re going to feel comfortable about talking about any feelings in general. Sometimes it’s their way of trying to help with how they know how to help - maybe their parents have them them type of advice while they were growing up.

Once that I found this site I shifted the conversations to the forum because people know what it’s like to have a partner that is mentally ill - they can make that connection much easier than someone that has a non as a partner. You that being said you do have a friend that is supportive which is good - glad to hear that you’re planning to spread it around for your own support.


Many of us can relate with showing the rationale with our exes and feeling like they can’t validate us or understand our feelings and their behaviors affect us.

A pwBPD have an emotional deficit they are impaired - if you compare our rationale with someone that is emotionally impaired then our rationale doesn’t make sense. What does make sense it’s talking to people that understand what you’re going through having had similar experiences that way we can give each other the validation th see t we lack post break up from our individual exes. I think that that makes sense.


Like a glass that gets depleted it will get filled again but that’s a matter of time and I would talk to your T and MD about your energy levels - they may be able to make suggestions or your doctor could prescribe something if it’s warranted. Just as I mentioned earlier with the strategy with sharing what you’re going through many different sources sometimes we might feel depleted because we’re depressed. If you’ve been feeling depleted or down for awhile a part of the strategy is talking to someone to make sure that you’re not depressed and if you are sometimes you need yo treat that on a short or longer term basis. Everyone is different and have different needs.

5 days no contact, 3 days without crying.

Been to the gym or done some exercise most days. Feeling more positive today than I have for a while. A world away from last week.

Noted today as I walked out of the gym that I wasn't second-guessing my own behaviour. I would normally have rushed out and made sure I messaged her as soon as possible but not doing that today felt freeing rather than sad.

An up day. They do happen!

And then... just as easily...

I slept really badly and had all these dreams about her. I normally don't remember my dreams but this one burned into my brain: I see her talking with some guy in the bathroom at my parent's house. They're pretty close and I ask her about it and she gets super defensive and I back off. Go back to my room and rage around it for a bit. Then I think 'no, PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) this' and go back to the bathroom and I see her boyfriend going in, squeezing past her and this guy to brush his teeth. Then she's kissing the guy while her boyfriend's back is turned and I lose my mind and wake up. Couldn't get back to sleep.

It's a pretty succinct summary of the situation I suppose but it hasn't helped.

Last night I checked out some songs that I uploaded for her to see if she'd listened to them. She never really did but she has listened to them in the past week. I was considering taking them down, more out of spite than anything else but I guess I'll leave them up. I don't know if it's helped to know she was thinking about me.

I've been seriously considering reaching out: I hate the idea that she'll quit and I will find out from someone else, or she'll leave the country and I'll never know. I don't think it really does me any good though and that's an easy route to getting recycled back in.

From what you’re sharing here it sounds like loss - you don’t want to lose her - if you don’t want to get recycled it’s not going to happen - that’s something that I would wait until you have some time behind you.

There’s no judgment, many members can relate with r/s recycling- you decided to break the pattern for a reason. I’m not saying that you want to get back with her - Im saying examine the reasons why you chose to get out of this pattern.

I think that's part of the problem - I don't really feel like I chose it. My choice would have been to be with her but I refuse to be one of these men she keeps around for validation.

I had to email her just now for work. Just professional, introducing a project to her, she just replied saying thanks and she'd prefer I supervised it than someone else I suggested. That and last night's dream have hit me hard though and I'm in tears as I write this.

I just want to reply saying 'can we talk' and somehow work out how to make it ok. I feel like over the last couple of years we worked out so much stuff but... she just doesn't feel how I feel.

Well... that escalated quickly.

I unblocked her and we exchanged some messages. In my own mind, I had to message her because of the work email - it really is like an addiction with the tenuous excuses.

Anyway, I said a bunch of stuff I probably shouldn't: that she was making the wrong decision, that their relationship was clearly broken, that we had been working towards something. She said she hadn't planned it and that she had to decide there and then and that ultimately she loved him more than me and in the end she had decided. She said I wasn't letting her do what's best and follow her heart. I said no because I didn't believe it was best for either of them and if I thought it was then I would step away.

So... no contact lasted nearly a week. She's unblocked now and I don't know what happens next. I suspect she will say she's made her choice and I will continue to try to find a way to deal with it. It feels like I can't brandish NC anymore since I clearly can't hold the line.

To keep this updated for my own sanity and for others that it may help on the journey...

I unblocked her and we sent some messages. I said I wanted to speak to her as I felt I still had things to say and she agreed to speak the day after. We did end up speaking a couple of days later... for 4 hours on the phone. After this conversation, I felt pretty good. I felt like we could be friends. I felt like it hadn't all been a lie and that perhaps we had a path forward. We both agreed that continuous texting shouldn't happen and we had to be smart about that.

The day after, I had my first therapy session (which was largely me explaining the situation, no revelations day 1). I mentioned doing it on the phone the previous day and she said to let her know how it went. I sent an email just keeping it short and saying it was ok. She sent me a message before seeing the email and we got into a text conversation about it. That conversation continued all day until she finished work for the day. We acknowledged that this was not what we should be doing. I didn't feel great about it - it felt like she was bored at work and then when the day was done she was going back to her bf. I felt sucked back in again so resolve not to speak to her over the weekend.

24 hours later I was driving to see a friend of mine and got a call from her. I ignored it but it seemed a bit weird that she was calling. Then she called again. And again. Obviously in my head this was urgent; part of me was thinking maybe this was it... she has broken up with him. So I called her back.

It turned out that she was calling me to say her bf had received an overseas job offer and they had to decide by today whether to take it. Her tone was celebratory. I got angry: why was she urgently calling me to tell me she was off to start this new life with him when a few weeks ago we were working towards a new life? I had told her that I didn't want her to disappear from my life (knowing this was a possibility) so she seemed to take that very literally and try to urgently tell me that it was a possibility she is moving away.

I was obviously upset. I said all the things I felt I needed to say and told her please don't ever contact me again unless you have broken up with your bf. I feel a bit stupid for even adding that caveat. I feel like I don't know her, she's a different person than I thought and whilst it all might have felt real, it wasn't reliable or robust.

So... back to no contact. It's been about 48 hours again... let's see how we go this time.

No contact is now at three weeks.

She broke it a couple of days ago by sending a work email and it made me really angry despite it not saying much. It wasn't a professional tone but jovial " Hi xxxxxx !", was formatted in a way that referenced one of our inside jokes and the timing of it made it clear she was thinking about me - wishing me well for something that's happening next week on my last day at work for a while. It also made it clear that she just doesn't get it - she can't comprehend that I'm feeling betrayed by someone I thought was loyal, that she treated everyone unfairly and that she doesn't get to just pretend things are normal.

I didn't reply... but that old feeling of guilt crops up as I know she's reaching out for her own soothing and it will hurt that she doesn't get it from me - why do I feel the need to consider her feelings at all at this point?

I'm a few weeks into my own therapy now and that's not been an easy process. Initially just venting about the situation was cathartic but as we start to dig a little bit deeper then it becomes clear there's a lot for me to process and to deal with. It feels like it should be a long time before I try and get close to someone again.

I miss her and I cry about it. It's getting better but it's still there... less raw and less painful as the weeks go by. My energy hasn't come back yet and I feel fragmented but it's slowly getting better. There is light but there's a tunnel to crawl through.

Yes there is light at the end of the tunnel. And, yes again I think it would be a wise move on your part to plan on not jumping into anything for quite a while. Use the time wisely to build yourself up though. You can and will get better. Just get comfortable with learning, adapting, and then growing.

Therapy will be good for you. Everyone has room for improvement. Look at therapy as you getting ahead of many. You are taking steps in the right direction. Sorry to be crass here, but it takes bigger balls to seek out help, ask for help, and receive help than trying to take the whole world on and thinking you can handle it all on your own. You are not flawed. All of this stuff takes time and you have areas of opportunity to work on. That is all. Choose to grow and fulfill your potential.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Hey there Nerves, I’m sorry you are struggling and just know there’s many feeling the same.

I wanted to give you my perception of the story, maybe it will help. Forgive me if it seems brash.

You entered an affair, not a relationship. That was your first indicator of this gals morals. Unless they were in an open relationship and this guy was okay with you, then disregard.

But let’s say he doesn’t know. Can you truly expect loyalty from someone who isn’t being loyal to their own 10 year relationship? Not only that, you’re aware of her cheating with other men, with little remorse. I’m just wondering what you expected to be different about your situation? You were just like those other men.

Nonetheless, feelings are feelings and you fell for her.

But really take a good look at things. She knows you will always answer. She knows you willingly took part in this affair. Do you really think if she leaves her other relationship; she won’t do the exact same to you?

Do you want to be the 10 year guy, foolishly going through life enduring half hearted love?

What if you marry her and she gets pregnant through one of the men? What if you marry her and have kids, and she runs off with someone else. Or back to 10 year guy.

Let’s say she’s leaves him. The possibility of her doing the same will always be in the back of your mind. You’ll become a shell of yourself. You would have got what you wanted, but at what cost?

She’s clearly unstable.

I don’t fault you. My ex cheated on me many times. And I always took her back. But it was until I found out post break up that she was in a new relationship(while recycling me) is, where my boundaries finally came about. It wasn’t just a drunk hook up - she’s now love bombing and spending time with someone and giving herself to them.

That was my reality check.

I wanted one last convo to tell her everything i felt. But she didn’t give me that. I will not be the cheatee. I will not be in the triangle. If she contacts me I will not give in. I put up with drunk hook ups. But I can’t look or think about her the same now.

She showed she can’t be alone and I’m just a fixture in her life of loneliness. I filled a void. And now that someone else is, I have no use.

I accept that. Do I want her to come running back? Of course. Do I want to contact her? Every second of the day. Do I miss the good? More than imaginable.

But the truth is, I was not the special person she said I was. I wasn’t. And neither are you.

Let her go. Let that 10 year relationship run it’s course. It won’t last.

And when she’s actually single and comes to you. Tell her no.

I’m sorry you are wrapped up in this. I’m sure she’s an intoxicating presence. I have been in your shoes. I am mentally right there with you. My prayers go out to you.

Well... the story isn't over yet.

We got to 6 weeks no contact. Then I was out of the country for a few days and messaging a mutual friend. He happened to be at a work event that she was at and sent a picture of both of them (not knowing any of the backstory, just as a "here's a coincidence, look who's here). She sent me a message saying sorry and that she tried to get out of the photo (I don't have her blocked because I can't block the work channels and it hasn't been a problem). I replied saying it's fine, let's just ignore it and get on with our lives but obviously it shook me up. Somehow the messages continued and she said she wanted to speak. I resisted, saying what's the point, nothing has changed etc. but somehow we ended up speaking.

She told me she missed me every day and cried every day about me. That time wasn't healing it and that she was in love with me and not her boyfriend. I knew this day was coming and still I was not prepared. We kept messaging for a few days and I told her that she needed to break up with him for this to continue. For us to see each other or for us to continue messaging. She said she would speak to him.

Now she's apparently spoken to him but has told him and me she needs time to make a good decision. If true and acted upon, I actually think this is the first sensible thing she's done.

She just sounds so messed up and confused I feel sorry for her. As of right now, I have no idea where things stand because she's managed to muddy the water so much. All I can really tell is she's still not chosen to be here with me and that seems the important part. I'm gently taking it back to no contact but this has hurt again: I admit, I got my hopes up.

So here we are a few weeks later...

She actually asked her bf to move out for a couple of weeks to come to decision: again seems like a sensible thing to do. However, she just doesn't seem to be able to decide - crippled by fear/anxiety/loyalty/who knows. We got close again over those couple of weeks but she backed off the last few days a bit and told me last night he's moving back in.

I said if he was moving back then I would be moving on, blocking and deleting her because the dynamic would be exactly the same as it was before.

So, reset the counter. Day 1 of no contact.

Worth noting that whilst I feel sad, I feel nowhere near as desperate as when we broke up a few months ago. Hopefully this is it, she can leave the country with her bf to go to his new job and there's no more recycling.

Day 2 of no contact has been tougher than I thought.

I keep finding myself wanting to call her, wanting to try to find some way to just work this out. It's the addictive side of it... even over the last couple of weeks, being close to her has brought back all the same feelings and I feel lonely and lost today. I want to go over there. Call her. Hope that she just contacts me somehow (I can't block all the channels so I'm checking my work email even).

I remembered as well that even a few weeks ago before she made contact again I was still upset. Still having bad days. It's so mind-melting to feel like something so good is so close but it isn't really.

Just updating for my own sanity.

Just chiming in to let you know I am following along. Keep posting and work through this.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you, appreciated. It's tough sometimes feeling like it's shouting into a void so little reminders people are following help!

I did start therapy and have stuck with it - it's been eye-opening. Just some of the things that have come up that I haven't even started addressing:

- self-esteem issues
- ensuring head and heart are showing up together
- almost an addiction to connecting with people
- vulnerability that comes with the above
- sense of panic at having to work on my own life and problems Vs the calm of someone else's

Wish I'd started sooner!

Hey at least you are starting now. What is in the past is in the past. Time to move forward. So don't hang your head. No, you hold your head up high and you keep moving forward toward a better tomorrow.

Just a tip...to help balance the addiction to connecting to people focus on studying external validation vs internal validation in-depth. I think that will help you immensely. As an indirect benefit of that focus I think your confidence and self-esteem will improve ;-)  |iiii

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you, I've had a quick look around and it's interesting. I wasn't sure where to start with some of this stuff but this is really helpful!

Just for the record, day 3 of no contact was OK. I felt really good walking around the park in the sunshine and realising that again I was free - nobody needed anything from me in that moment and I didn't need anything from anybody else. Felt like a weight lifted.

SC, I did some reading around internal/external validation and some of it doesn't quite ring true.

A lot of the stuff around external validation was to do with mean voices in your head or needing people to like/approve of you/your actions. It's hard to convey on the internet I guess but I'm INTP with a good sense of self and I would say a logical inner critic rather than a mean one. This doesn't quite feel like what I'm working on (but maybe it is, appreciate your thoughts...).

It's more like... I prefer deeper connections with people that I value, and I can be fussy. But that feeling of deep connection, when I can find it, is what I get addicted to (you can see how BPD plays into this). So perhaps this is a situation dependent need for external validation?

It was genuinely a surprise to realise I have an esteem issue because on the surface, even to myself, it doesn't look anything like that. But there's something there, I can feel it and I'm trying to dig into it more.

Day 4 of no contact.

Taking it a day at a time, making some future plans to look forward to and getting back into going to the gym regularly. I found that during the recent recycle all my routines fell apart and all my energy went back into her so I'm grateful to have the headspace back to plan.

So as an INTP and introvert you are naturally more sensitive to dopamine and have less dopamine receptors. Now that doesn't mean you have necessarily have less dopamine though. However, its just a theory that perhaps your addiction is due to the dopamine rush you get from connecting. In addition, perhaps you have an imbalance of dopamine vs acetylcholine caused intermittently from the breakup (shock to the system...trauma). Again, theorizing...impossible to know for sure, but introverts typically use acetylcholine more as opposed to dopamine.

I can agree with your assessment of it possibly being a dependent need on external validation. That would make sense. When I reference internal validation vs external validation it is more of a point of focusing on YOU being enough on your own...period. You want, but don't need. Outcome independence...you are happy and can put yourself in win-win scenarios constantly and consistently. In essence you avoid the power dynamic of there having to be a scenario of win-loss. So, sure you would like a loving and reciprocal partner, but you are a complete being on your own regardless. If the right one comes along they will just enhance your life and make it better, but it is already pretty good. When you place the focus on internal validation, thus making yourself happy you eliminate the variance of outside factors dictating your happiness and thus your well-being. Does that make more sense now?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-.

 

Thanks SC!

Really interesting reading around this and the effect diet could have as well. I've had some jobs as well in the past that are very much associated with dopamine hits so I wonder how much it plays a role in what I enjoy and am drawn to.

The point about putting yourself in win:win situations is really good. I've been thinking a lot about that and the point someone else made I think upthread that the only thing I could have really done in this whole situation is prolong my suffering.

It's actually been a week of no contact now. I'm still feeling that I want her to contact me but it's surprised me how it hasn't hit anywhere near as hard this time despite falling back into the same patters and that I'm not driven to contact her at all. More an ego thing of wanting to see I was 'right' I guess? I'm wondering about the next recycle though... when we last spoke she wouldn't say 'goodbye' because 'for us it's never goodbye' and I just can't see her not finding some excuse to contact me (probably to tell me she's handed her notice in and is leaving the country with her bf). I guess it'll take a few weeks though, maybe a month. Trying to get a strategy straight in my head.

The last two days have felt rough. I've had to fight the urge to unblock her on the one channel she's blocked on and I've had her "it's never goodbye for us" ringing in my ears. I guess that indifference to the end of it all is what's got her wriggling around in my brain. I still have that feeling that I don't want her to just quit and disappear without telling me though, even though I know this would be the best outcome. This is the 12th day of the latest round of no contact.

On paper, I'm doing better: yesterday was the first day I didn't look at her work calendar or check her online status on Teams which have just been things I've done to reassure myself. Had a date at the weekend and it went very well. Some other projects I have outside of work have gone well (or at least I've got them over the line). I've set more stuff up with friends and started planning some trips.

Reflecting... maybe it's the fact the date went well that's got me in this mental space. Like the article someone shared recently, it went well but it wasn't the same as being with her. Less colourful, less intense, less vibrant. That's the hook to be avoided.

No contact broken again...

Made it to two weeks and then I had to go into work. I was anxious I might bump into her, checked her calendar and it was unclear if she'd be around but timed my walking around to avoid any potential clash. She works in a different building though and I had a meeting in that building in the afternoon with someone else. I went to it but was a bit late and the meeting room was empty so I had to go into the main office to find the person I was meeting. And there she was.

Throughout the meeting she was just staring at me. I smiled at her as I walked in but that was it and walked out when I'd finished talking to who I was talking to. Then I had another meeting and took myself off into a separate room. I was shaking, adrenaline going at just seeing her sitting there staring at me. I don't know what I was thinking but I messaged her to say 'sorry for just appearing like that, obviously was difficult for both of us, hope you're ok. If you do want to chat then I'll be free in half an hour.'

So she came and chatted. We chatted from 5pm to 10pm. Her bf was away. She stayed with me that night.

Now we've left it at no contact and actually, she asked for it. She says she will resume therapy this week and she doesn't want to be doing what she's doing. We're both to blame: it's like a vortex that sucks both of us in. Lots of things were said and felt during that couple of days. I have no idea what's real and not so am focusing on the positive things I talked about before. I'm just aware I'm vulnerable, addicted and messy right now.

Resume no contact counter...

Well done for deciding to restart the NC timer and for keeping this updated. Im nearing day 3 NC (I had to reset my timer a few times too). We can do it @nerves!

This means a lot.. I'm back at 2 days no contact and feeling pretty good in general. One of my friends sent me a really angry voice note, not so much directed at me but about her and her behaviour and I'm listening to that a lot. Hearing the emotion in someone else's voice is very clarifying.

We got this.

4 days NC... slowly but surely.

Still paying attention. Keep us updated!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Made it to 7 days NC, so celebrating that as a small victory!

After 8 days of NC, she sent me a message yesterday saying that she's going back to see her T today which is something we talked about last time we spoke. I read it and didn't reply.

She then sent me a message today asking if I was pissed off with her. I read it and didn't reply.

I feel bad because I know she'll be feeling bad and vulnerable about going to T. She only went initially because I encouraged her to; I used to take her and pick her up. Also feels weird to know she'll be going alone or with her bf.

So, I'm maintaining NC but not feeling great about it. Which is stupid - her messages didn't ask how I was or anything so I know she's only reaching out because she's feeling bad and it's about her needs. No idea how she'll react to the T appointment.

Still paying attention. Stay the course. Man up and DO YOU! You have got to break the cycle. She can figure things out on her own. You noticed it yourself...YOU don't matter to her. She is using you to fill her emotional void only to dispose of you again when she has had her fill. Focus on taking care of YOU. She will use anything she can to regain control of the situation and you again. Remember that. You are doing good, but keep it up.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

@nerves that must have been so challenging to reaist replying to those messages. Well done for recognizing if you had replied in those moments that it would probably only have helped her BUT hurt you and your progress. How're things going?

Well, it's been over a month since I updated. Where does the time go...

I messed up and did  reply to one of her messages I mentioned in my last post. We ended up having a long conversation and she told me she had finally decided that she wanted to be with me. We were in contact for about a month until she told me she'd decided she could never leave her bf as much as she wanted to. I wished her well and asked her to never contact me again. Each time I've been less and less invested in the outcome. In about a month she'll leave the country and that will feel like a line drawn under the whole thing.

Currently at 11 days NC.

In terms of feelings - I feel sad about the whole thing. Sad for her, sad for her bf and sad for myself in so many ways.

Hi nerves, thanks for the update.

I'm curious about a couple of things:


How were you feeling when you did that -- hopeful, wary, excited, solid, desperate, determined, other ...?

And then as you reflect back on this:


does it strike you as more: surprising, expected, out of the blue, shocking, "meh", predictable, other ...?


It makes sense. There's a lot to grieve on a lot of levels. Let us know how you've been doing the past few days, whenever works;

kells76

Well, when I replied it was because she'd shifted tactics a bit. The earlier messages were more like "Hey" or "Are you ok?" The one I replied to said something like "I get what you're doing. Don't worry I'm not going to stalk you or anything." I replied to that because I was pissed off - I wasn't 'doing' anything. So, I wasn't really hopeful at the time communication restarted. I'm more hopeful now... still wanting her to send me a message, wondering if she'll get in touch before she finally leaves the country etc. etc. That's the habit I wish I could kick - I still want to communicate with her but I know it's no good. The idea of me being one of these men who pop up and give her attention when she needs it makes me feel so angry.

Her telling me that she had decided she actually wanted to be with me surprised me (although I still think I'm awesome and why wouldn't anyone want to be with me   :wee:). However, given the inaction after saying that I wasn't too surprised it didn't work out. Each time the recycle has happened I've been a bit less invested and she's had to say something more dramatic to get me involved. This kind of feels like the natural result of that cycle.

Problem is like I said - I still want to hear from her. She got nominated for a work award thing and I want to congratulate her. I haven't blocked her either. All the feelings are still there and that 'living in colour' feeling pwbpd can give you. Just trying to get through each day and remind myself that this is a good outcome; her bf will be the one who continues to suffer.

Nearing 3 weeks no contact again.

Today has felt tough for some reason. I left a group chat she was in yesterday since there were some pictures of her being posted in there. Also disconnected and blocked her on LinkedIn (which she barely uses) as I happened to just see a comment and I'm trying to remove the triggers. I know she's leaving the country in a few weeks to start this new life with her bf and I don't know... I guess the two conflicting feelings I'm having are:

Anger - how does she get to walk away from this with no consequences and start a new life somewhere else while I am left picking up the pieces of myself and my life?

Sadness - I want to say goodbye. I still want to ask 'why' things didn't go the way I thought they would, even though I know the answers and nothing will have changed. I suppose I want the thing someone with bpd is never going to be able to give: validation of my feelings, regret about the way she's treated me.

I want to send her an angry, bitter message.
I want to send her a conciliatory message.

I will not send her anything, I will focus on my lucky escape.

Made it to a month of NC.

My T recommended a book called The Untethered Soul that I'm sure some of you will have read (I hadn't heard of it but it seems well known). It's helped me think through some of the things I wrote above (letting things go and focusing on my own growth as a result of this experience) and understand some of her actions a bit better (she's constantly fighting reality, trying to control it and manipulate it so that her old trauma doesn't get triggered).

I think she leaves the country in about 10 days. She'll be working remotely part-time so will still have relatively easy access to me via email/Teams but it will be a helpful barrier. I do feel like I'd like to see her to say goodbye but it's a nostalgic feeling, not a desperate one or an angry one (today).

Just to get it out of my head...

I keep feeling I want to see her before she leaves and this has been escalating, I guess due to the impending deadline (next week is her last week at work so I think she leaves after that). There are a couple of things that have made it a bit worse though:

Firstly, I recently changed my pfp on Whatsapp to a new black and white pic. I don't have her blocked, just deleted on there but I looked at her profile today (don't know why... the things we do) and noticed she's changed hers to a black and white pic. She's had the same pfp for the whole time I've known her (3 years). Probably coincidence.

Secondly, my one weak point is checking her work calendar just to see what she's up to. I've now deleted it so I can't do it without some serious effort but I noticed that in her last week of work she's having lunch with 2 people, one is a friend of hers she hung out with a bit and the other is a new guy who just started. She mentioned him to me at some point whenever we were speaking and I knew instantly he was a new interest (you all know what I mean right?). It's just made me shake my head a lot.

My last actions in this are going to have to be blocking her on Whatsapp, throwing away the stuff relating to her that I've put out of sight in the house and deleting all the photos. I still can't do these things.

My mind keeps wandering into these imagined scenarios where I show up to the lunch she has booked with this guy and dump the stuff I have on the table and walk off. Or then that I leave her a voice note saying goodbye or I message her to meet up and try and close things off.

I am resolving to not do any of this but to let the time pass and maintain no contact. However, I do not feel I have the strength to ignore her if she messages me. I hope she does and I hope she doesn't.

Convinced now that this was not a coincidence... checked it out again and she updated her status the same day I switched my pic and it now features come capitalised letters that spell a code we had.

I know this is more of the same stuff designed to pull me back in. Crazy how they know exactly what buttons to press and when... it's a true art.

Again just getting it out of my head...

She's out of the country at the end of this week and I feel like I'm going crazy. I've had a bunch of important work to do and barely got it done, I just can't concentrate on anything. I've added her calendar back, saved her again as a contact and spent ages just checking her online status... all the fixated stuff. It's purely because it feels like she's reaching out through the thing described above and obviously I've still got a desire for the closure I can never get.

But most importantly, still NC (5 weeks now). A day at a time. Little bit more strength now and a lot more happiness long term.

It's been a while since I updated (a good thing) but I wanted to check back in. Maybe reading through this helps someone else.

It's now been about 8 months since the initial breakup and just over 3 months of no contact. Things are a lot better than they were but I'm not entirely over it by any means. It really does take an immense amount of strength to detach and much, much more time than you hope it will. I still think about her a lot but it's more of a sigh than a reliving and my thoughts quickly move on. I had an intense dream about her the other night and that caught me by surprise but didn't shake me the way it used to.

Some stuff that's helped me:

- Allies: spend time with friends, find a therapist, talk to your family, post on here, whoever it is that is going to be relentlessly on your side.
- Habits: healthy ones. Go to the gym, go for regular walks (talk to aforementioned allies whilst walking), anything self-care related.
- Find things that are the essence of you. Revisit your childhood, think about things that got you excited and find ways to reactivate those things. Not saying regress but I found it helpful to solidify my sense of self after seeing it melt away.

I'm also continuing to come to terms with the part I played in all this. I'm starting to see my own patterns, my tendencies, my drivers and I'm starting to see the red flags in other people and be able to make better long-term decisions from it. This continues to be the toughest part: being able to be objective without being harsh on myself or feeling like I'm damaged.

The trauma is real, things get better x

Thank you so much for sharing. I am at my first breakup with a BPD person right now and am at no contact for less than a week now. I hope she doesn't contact me again soon but reading about similar stories, I would not think it impossible for her to try falling back.