BPDFamily.com

I've tried to write for months now but I find it hard to express how difficult it's been with my (39f) partner (49m) of 3 years. There is just so much. Like many it started with lovebombing and mirroring beyond anything I had ever known. I didn't know anything about BPD at the time so I didn't realize what was happening. I got pregnant (we were both on board for this) and after a brief period of excitement he began to pull away. After the birth of our daughter the devaluation began, complete withdrawal of emotional care, alcohol dependence, speaking to his mother about any issue we had etc. He began to self harm (punching his head, biting his hand) in front of me despite my telling him how much it affected me.

The years ahead were full of push and pull, invalidation, apologies, promises to get help when I seemed to be pulling away. He did an alcohol detox in March of 2021 and fell into a depressive state, said it was the only thing he had, no longer was intimate or sexual. He started drinking again in May and what followed was a 6-month period of hell - almost daily splitting on me and the children (3 from my ex relationship - amicable split - healthy coparent). He began self-harming almost everyday, screaming at me and telling me it was my fault. If I had any feeling about anything that he perceived as a criticism he would go nuts, break thing, say I was making him hurt himself etc. I began to enforce boundaries and the behavior became worse. I had to call the police twice as he threatened to kill himself. After these episodes he would experience great shame and remorse. After a particularly bad episode he decided to check into a private psychiatric hospital where he stayed for a month (he'd been running to his mother's home for the month before that). He began creating favourite people while inside and kept telling me that he wasn't sure when he would come home. I had thyroid surgery while he was in treatment and needed my ex to come and help with children because I had no one else to help - he resented that, made it sound like I was trying to get back with him (which is just a complete no go). I had to manage the 4 kids, a surgery, complications from the surgery, working on a house restoration (that was his job) while he called to take about himself and hardly asked about any of us. When he came home he was anxious and mostly dissociative. It was hard for the kids to see come and go, seemingly unaware of the hardship of his illness and absence.

In September he lost his mind over my son asking if he borrowed his charger. I tried to explain it wasn't an accusation but a question. By the end of the night I told him to leave as he threatened my life. He punched his hand through the door window and needed to go to hospital for stitches. The police came and told me to reach out anytime. I told him the next day I would no longer live this life. He began DBT and schema therapy. He is a sensitive, kind man deep down who is dealing with a history of parental invalidation and school sex abuse. I have tried to be there and be steady and I see him working hard to fight against his urges, but at the same time, the cycles are always there.

He has broken 2 phones and self harmed this week. I had him go to a hotel as per my boundary that I will not have it in the home. He is back and trying to be apologetic and express hope that the therapy he's doing will help. I know he's working as hard as he possibly can, but I'm finding that after his self harm the other night I'm having terrible flashbacks of past incidents. I am feeling heavy all the time and have found that I am actively not engaging with him as a protective measure. I am in a constant state of rumination over the trauma of the constant up and down and not knowing what to do.

He knows he is unwell, accepts his diagnosis, but I feel like I'm breaking. I don't have any family here to support me (in UK and originally from US). I feel like I can't be a mother to my children because I'm constantly caught up in tiptoeing, denying my own needs in order to keep things calm for my partner. The kids are going to start noticing my chilly behavior to him because we are usually quite affectionate. I feel like the weight of this is on my shoulders and I'm so exhausted that I can't do anything but sit and feel paralyzed.

It sounds like you’ve got some PTSD from dealing with him, which is completely understandable. Are you able to seek therapy for yourself? It sounds like you’ve got your hands full with kids and keeping your family safe from the potential damaging influence he can have.

Anyone in your position needs assistance. I’m wondering if there are some programs in your area that can assist with childcare. You desperately need some time alone to take care of your own needs. Counseling with a therapist knowledgeable about BPD would be a great first step.

 :hug: :hug:
Cat