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Title: Relief over cancelled plans Post by: bookmark123 on February 02, 2022, 10:13:24 AM Does anyone else find that the relief over the cancellation of a situation that triggers your BPD partner is greater than the disappointment of the change?
To explain: my uBPDH has always had issues over my friendships (all plantonic, of course). It has been getting progressively worse this past year. I told my husband, this morning, that I had been invited over to one of my friend's house for a catch up this evening and asked if that was ok (we have 3 children). He was fine...on the surface... but I could sense the discord building. A few hours later, my friend cancelled the plans. I was disappointed but immediately leapt to relief that I'm not going to accelerate my husbands dark mood. I'm trying to start identifying my patterns of behaviour and coping mechanisms right now, in order to better my marriage and it's shocking to me to realize that I am placing my husbands ease over my happiness in so many little situations. We have yet to see whether this will blow over, or whether my intention alone has triggered him... Title: Re: Relief over cancelled plans Post by: Cat Familiar on February 02, 2022, 11:15:30 AM Be very aware of distancing yourself from friends and family. That often happens with BPD relationships and appeasing one’s partner isolates us from our network of support and companionship.
Title: Re: Relief over cancelled plans Post by: bookmark123 on February 02, 2022, 12:48:41 PM Thank you for the reminder! I am trying to find the balance between enjoying friendship connections and social time (very little) and repecting my husbands sensitivities. I'm beginning to look back at other relationships which I distanced from because of his comments etc and am not willing to allow this to happen again.
He texted me to tell me that I had triggered him this morning and he needed some space now, that I was best to stay away. We run a business together and were supposed to be working on something together today. Is this good that he is acknowledging his feelings and communicating it to me now or am I looking at a false hope that anything will improve? I've seen posted here often that looking to change your partner is futile. They need to do the work themselves and we need to also put in the time to understand how to navigate things and our own behaviour within the relationship. I'm so used to running around in circles to try and make everything better again. Ug. Too much to learn :) Title: Re: Relief over cancelled plans Post by: Cat Familiar on February 02, 2022, 01:17:02 PM Respecting your husband’s “sensitivities” can become a full-time job if you’re not careful. red-flag
When he tells you he needs “space,” give it to him. That would be a possible time to catch up with friends and family. That you work together makes things complicated. I understand. I used to work with my very troublesome BPD ex-husband. You can’t change them, but you can change how you respond. Instead of trying to “make everything better again” how about keeping things from getting worse. Lots of times just being there when your partner is in a bad mood will make things worse. Title: Re: Relief over cancelled plans Post by: 15years on February 02, 2022, 01:26:15 PM Yes the relief can be rewarding.
Title: Re: Relief over cancelled plans Post by: bookmark123 on February 02, 2022, 01:33:21 PM Wow. Yes, you are right. Red flag noted. I’ve already wasted most of today pondering about what I should do for the best instead of getting on with my things.
I really appreciate the feedback on this forum. Thank you. |