BPDFamily.com

Hi,

As a child whose parent has BPD, I'd love to get others' opinions about something that's been on my mind. In my 20's, I moved out of the house since it wasn't an emotionally and psychologically healthy place to be. I lived with friends for a few years. In some ways it was great because I was able to have freedom I haven't had before. In other ways, it was constantly hard to not be in a family setting because generally, I do better in a family setting.

 During COVID, I moved back home and have been there since. Honestly, most of it's great, except dealing with my BPD parent. I'm thinking of moving out but the thought of that is depressing, so whatever I do, it'll be hard. Sometimes I choose the hardship of dealing with my BPD parent over the hardships of living on my own, but at other times it's impossible to be with them. It may seem obvious to move out but I've tried that and was miserable at times, so it's not a clear decision.

I'm open to different ideas...

If I understand you right, you are wondering whether you should stay in the famy home or leave? You, at times, consider dealing with your BPD parent easier than living on your own, which is why you wonder if maybe you should stay there?

I would say that having a BPD parent, for some of us (thinking about my brother here), lead to a lot of issue in becoming independant.

He struggles on his own, with depression, addiction... He doesn't know what to do, and he feels empty. He always preferred our BPDm's basement, because it kept him from being responsible for himself.

However, in life, the goal is to become responsible for ourselves, and ultimately to take responsibilities and to help out our communities (my goal anyway, the one that seems to make sense for me). 

So I would answer you back with a question : why do you find it so hard being on your own? Does it stem, like my brother, from some kind of fear of becoming independant and responsible for yourself? Or is there another reason you can think of?

Yes, you understood the dilemma clearly.

I don't want to move out not because I don't want the responsibility. I grew up with family and value how it enhances my daily life. In the past, when I lived on own, I felt something missing in life because I wasn't living in a family structure. For me, there's no comparison between living with roommates to living with family.

There might be a cultural difference here too? In my culture, children should leave the family nest as soon as possible and build their own. And being on one's own is basically part of this process. And so I don't think I can offer much guidance, since I am biased toward independance, whether or not BPD is involved.

My uBPDm would have wanted us to stay within the family nest, she loves when we depend on her, or need her... But my father always fostered independance and responsibility, and I just naturally responded more to his care. So I left home at seventeen and am glad I did.

It all comes down to you, your needs and what makes you feel good within yourself.