BPDFamily.com

 :help:
It's day 11 post break-up and I am SAD. I have cycled through many stages of grief this past week, but surprisingly I haven't been anxious. Well.. that is until today.

The crippling anxiety stage has hit, can't eat, can't focus, everything in my body shakes. She ended it after a year and a half, in SUCH an awful way (abruptly ghosted for a week, texted me a cold break up message, instantly blocked me on everything with no chance to reply).

I am well versed on BPD and have read every text book, listened to every podcast, worked heavily with a therapist. Yet it is STILL hard to reconcile how the day before being ghosted, she 'loved me the most she has ever loved me' and things had been fairly good for a good stretch!

It is SO hard to just bury 1.5 years with someone (in which we were SO close and went through SO much together in that time.)

Despite all the (VERY) hard things I had to experience with her, this heartbreak is so much worse. It honestly feels a death, except I know she is still there existing.

Please tell me how you got past losing the loves of your lives?

I’m so sorry for your heartache :( I don’t have any great wisdom for you as I feel lost myself.  I’m on day 8 of being kicked out of my house and being ghosted by my husband of 35 years so I know the knots twisting in your stomach. I’m just trying to be patient, and resisting the urge to have my teenager ask him questions for me… hang in there friend..

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. There’s nothing really I can say besides I’ve been there. We dated a year and a half as well. Never loved someone or felt how I do about her, was going to propose. Now I’m on month 3. I can’t tell you it gets better Bc I let her recycle me this entire time. Until she found my replacement and I don’t exist and am completely painted black.

My advice if you want her back. Ghost her. Do not talk to her or plead or reach out. If she hits you up, act as carefree as possible. Show her the side she fell for before any of this happened. You wouldn’t have been emotional, just interested. Seem busy and that you’ll have try to make time. Show her you have self-worth. And she will idealize you again.

But be cautious. If you think she has BPD, she might fall for you again. It won’t last. She’s already split and the fear of abandonment. It will happen again.  Tbh she’s probably with someone who she has been grooming for this moment. Especially if it’s been 11 days.

You dodged a bullet. Imagine her doing this when you’re married.

LearningToLove,

Hang in there.  This is a tremendous shock to the system and a very difficult thing to deal with.  I did not experience this with my BPDex - I broke up with her.  However, from 2018-2020 I dated a woman who I believe has some type of Personality Disorder (possibly a covert narcissist).  We dated for 2-1/2 years, and she broke up with me one night over the phone with no explanation and didn't want to discuss it.  She ghosted me ever since.  It was horrible.  Like you experienced, the night before she broke up with me, I had hung out with her at her house and she told me how much she loved me. 

I didn't think I would get over her.  She was the first woman I fell in love with since my divorce in 2016.  To make matters worse, one of my best friends of over 30 years decided to remain her friend instead of mine, and they had no previous connection other than the fact that I dated her.  I thought my friend might have been sleeping with her, but I don't know.  But, basically both of them ghosted me. 

I'm telling you this because I got through it, and you will too.  It's going to suck for a while, but you will get through it.  It took me about a year and it took me meeting my uBPDexGF before I was truly over this woman.  Try to set some small goals for yourself that you can achieve - maybe find 5 different bike paths in your area and ride all 5 within 3 months, or plan a vacation for yourself, or whatever you choose to do.  This will give you something else to focus on besides your ex. 

No matter what, I promise you will get through this.  There is another woman out there for you.  And probably many many more women out there for you.  You deserve better than this, and you will find it.  Keep this in your mind that YOU matter.  You would never ghost anyone, so you don't deserve someone who would ghost you.  It will get better.

Thank you <3 I really needed this today.