BPDFamily.com

Hi!
My 26 year old daughter has BPD and has been living with me on and off since she graduated from college. She is smart, beautiful and strong. I just recently found out she was diagnosed with BPD in college. She mentioned it in passing and then swore she told me...sigh... She also has an eating disorder along with anxiety/depression.

The last time she came home we agreed upon a contract of 6 months with the idea of her getting some sort of direction for her life. At the end of the contract, the goal was for her to move out. She has many options from family and friends so I feel like I wasn't throwing her out on the streets. In the 6 months here she did not (imo) make any plans to get more work (she has a freelance writing gig) or figure out what was next. The contract was extended to this past Jan. 15. She again wanted to extend it, but I held to my boundaries so she moved in with a family friend and is now quite angry with me.

She does see a therapist and is on some medication. I have started with some NAMI classes and have learned quite a bit. Apparently, the therapy for BPD is DBT? I have mentioned it to her along with giving her information from my classes. I also have an 18-year-old daughter graduating from high school this year, and I feel she sadly did not get as much time from me because of all the issues from my older daughter. I am a single parent and my oldest has nothing to do with her father and my youngest tolerates him.

I guess my thing is I am feeling so guilty for making her move out as agreed. Was it the right thing to do?  How do I handle her? It seems like anything I say offends her and I am blamed for pretty much everything wrong in her life. Thanks so much in advance.

Welcome! You're in the right place and I'm sorry to hear what you're experiencing. There is nothing like NAMI where I live but I've found the resources on this site are very helpful, along with other reading and counselling. I can relate 100% to your story, but my BPDd is now 34.
From my own experience, setting limits - and holding them - was hard. I was also a single mother for years, and spent a lot of time in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I was blamed (still am) for everything.

My daughter is also very smart and beautiful, however, her incredible potential is stunted by years of the self-loathing, shame and isolation from her eating disorder and BPD. Participation in treatment has been inconsistent and I was never smart enough to introduce the concept of a contract for anything (good for you) so she had some skin in the game. Without proper limits set and upheld, I was a willing participant and financial supporter of her many starts and stops... of university, jobs, travel, activities of daily living, etc. There was always a reason for another chance, another fresh start, a temporary boost, another dole out of cash, another rescue and relocation, another co-signed lease...  Looking back, there is plenty I'd do differently and holding firm sooner tops the list. I didn't help myself and I certainly didn't help my daughter learn to problem-solve. She's still suffering unrelenting crises and accepts no responsibility for the consequences of her choices.   

No one can tell you what the right thing is to do because what's appropriate and effective for you may miss the mark or be completely wrong for others. What I can tell you is that from what you've shared, I'd make the same decision and not let her come home. From what you describe, she's an adult, capable of exploring options for herself and making choices. 

Be strong. Keep us posted.
T