BPDFamily.com

This is my first post. I took a class two years ago to try and help me understand BPD which my daughter was diagnosed with after trying to kill herself 5 weeks in a row. Everyone said DBT worked great but my daughter is an adult (25) snd her insurance didn’t cover it. I offered to pay but she didn’t have time.

She stayed with me after getting physically ill. It was about 5 months. I think it was the second or third time since I’d divorced her step-dad. She stole from me and used my credit cards without permission. Took my car and had a small accident. Also without my permission. This was actually not unlike when she lived with me and her step dad. Her dad was bi-polar. He’s dead now. Turned out both her dad and step-dad were abusive. So I feel guilt over my daughter being stuck in that hell with me. I really wanted out of my second marriage many times but people in the church and the courts made me feel I should stay because he was good at hiding the abuse.

 Even though my daughter is living on her own, she usually only contacts me to vent or ask for money. I feel sorry for her. Still see her as my poor little girl. Even then she stole from me and gaslit me as a young child. I tried so hard to be patient but at some point her step dad convinced me she was bad and I started getting mad. She told me I changed.

I am alone now and old and my life has been impossible to get back on track. I miss her but when I see her it is hard. The last time she told me over and over how she thinks about suicide.

I want to hug and love her. I can barely touch her, stroke her head. Then she withdrew again.

Then she calls me asking for money. I tell her I want a relationship. I want to work toward healing. I guess I’m wanting too much. She has said she’ll never live with me again because we didn’t get along. I took her to drs and paid outside costs for naturopathic help. I made her special allergy free meals. She is forgetting I would eventually get upset only after repeated offenses of stealing and lying to me. And being drunk and on Prozac which I reminded her of this last time she said we can’t get along. That she wasn’t herself. I think she may be an alcoholic too. Her dad was. My brother was. He’s dead, too.

So I cry and cry because I miss my beautiful daughter who didn’t get totally intolerable until she was 16. I think I must be co-dependent as I had childhood abuse. She witnessed abuse as a child. I actually was abused. I know witnessing it is still abuse.

I don’t know if it’s genetic or caused by neglect. Her dad kept me in court for 14 selfish years with no rights to her. He was pro se and bi polar. Her step dad used his legal abuse to abuse me at home. Then my daughter became abusive. I hated getting angry. I ended up doing it in defense.

I don’t do that today with her. She hadn’t done it in a while. But she’s not close to me. Now we live several states away from each other. Not that I saw her that often as it was. I want to help her financially and suggested living together but not necessarily being super entangled. Just to have her there and I could realistically help her if we shared expenses. It’s probably a bad idea and she wants to live alone. She can’t afford to however and doesn’t like her roommates. I think she’d rather live in a dump than with me because I have boundaries and she needs to try and push them when we’re together.

I don’t know when I’ll see her again. I know I was a good mom in some ways but she remembers a lot of negative things. Even what didn’t happen.

My heart is breaking as she’s all I have left. Do they ever grow out of it? I’ve walked on egg shells to my detriment and don’t want to do that but I don’t know how to get past all this pain. As I said she will reach out but its usually selfish intent or a build up to get me to trust her again before she uses me again. I feel I can’t fully trust her motives.

Hi Kare222. You have been on the painful journey that we all have here - painful and exhausting because we love our children and have done all that we can - and more - to try to show our love and offer every support we can.

It is more so because of the intense emotional rollercoaster ride that we have had to go on. We have the memories of the delightful baby, funny little things that they said and did . . . . .

Then dealing with the person they become when the symptoms of this horrible illness start to manifest.

I have read many peoples' experience here of those times when their child ceases contact. Sometimes it is on and off, sometimes it goes on for a long period of time. When this happens there is a huge gap in our lives; we are anxious about what could happen to them; we are sad that we can't have normal times with them, or just ring them up and sort things out.

And I think we are exhausted from what we cope with over many years.

When I have been through these times - dd- has come and gone many times - I learnt to try to relax and be kind to myself because I didn't know what was going to  happen next. Each day I spent some time sending loving thoughts to dd - doing something like just going out for a coffee or catching up with a friend - things I couldn't do when she was here.

Most of all, know that in letting go you will still love your dd.

Ps In the early days as Child psychiatrist told me that in many cases the symptoms of BPD were much less in the 30s-40s. My dd is just 31 and I can see some lessening.