BPDFamily.com

I follow an extremely helpful psychologist on Instagram that posts relevant insights and advice, for what seems like many of us folks have in common - suffering from trauma (and usually with childhood disrupted attachment)

Her Instagram is @the.holistic.psychologist - she posted something particularly relevant today.

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"Many of us carry an unresolved abandonment wound from trauma, childhood emotional neglect, or any part of our past where we needed connection + that person betrayed us or denied us love.

When we experience breakups, those feelings all come back up to the surface + we can start to internalize a breaks up to mean something about who we are. “Not good enough” “unable to keep someone” “never chosen.”

Our egos can create many stories to make sense of the loss. Usually, the ego takes rejection extremely personally (it’s how we get to feel valid or important), when in reality breakups happen for a wide variety of reasons.

Some of them have absolutely nothing to do with us.

REMINDERS FOR WORKING THROUGH THE ABANDONMENT WOUNDING OF BREAKUPS:

1. Move your body: The mind tends to go into racing thoughts post breakup because of the fight or flight response. Move your body to shift thoughts/emotions.

2. Don’t try to talk yourself out of pain: “he was a jerk” “she was selfish” “I’m better off anyway” “I don’t need anyone!” are all things we tend to say to ourselves and they rarely work. It’s ok to feel sad. Be kind to yourself, check in on yourself, let yourself cry. Losing someone you love always hurts.

3. Try not to make impulsive decisions. The abandonment wound can cause intense hormonal + chemical responses in the body. Sometimes this makes us believe we can’t live without a person, must have them back, or make a terrible mistake breaking up. Breathe. Give yourself some space. Let the emotions settle before making any decision or knee-jerk emotional choices"

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I hope some of you felt a bit more heard, and not alone when reading this.  I highly recommend following this account.

I can confirm this.

The initial discard with my ex ( a year ago) brought up so much pain that I was forced to address my own childhood trauma (and I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD). I actually thank him for that - I could still very well be pushing down my trauma if it wasn't for him and even though right now I am doing some extremely hard work I know that I will be better off in the long run.

Granted, not every single person who dates/marries a pwBPD has mental health issues/PTSD; I often wonder at just how many of us do have unresolved trauma from our past that allowed us to look past the red flags of a pwBPD simply because they "chose" us. I have had to admit that that is really one of the biggest reasons I wanted to be with him - because he wanted me, he made me feel desired and "enough" (at least until the discard). 

A few weeks back I wrote 5 pages in my journal exploring this. I wrote out a good/bad list - and the bad was twice as long. It was really eye opening to see that and I honestly think that it was a turning point for me. I had still been clinging to him and the previous 5 or 6 weeks had been a mess of emotional turmoil for me. But since I wrote that journal entry I have started feeling better - and I realized last night that I am not having the emotional swings surrounding "where is he, who is he with , what is he doing" anymore. I also recently started seeing a trauma focused therapist and even though we have not really touched on that relationship yet, I feel like I am making progress surrounding my own abandonment/rejection wounds.

My exBPD and I still talk (though we were NC for 3 1/2 months last year) - if you read my posts you can see it was a mess with a lot of back and forth and I struggled hard with deciding whether or not to remain friends. Even just a couple weeks ago, I nearly completely blocked him (that's when I wrote the journal). But I am starting to learn boundaries and starting to understand how to treat him like a "friend" and not to keep trying to force a relationship. I would never have gotten there without (painfully) exploring my own childhood trauma and abandonment wounds.

I guess what I am trying to say for anyone reading this is that its a really good idea to explore "why" you got into a dysfunctional relationship and "why" you want to stay/go back. Put aside the "we've got kids, we have history" stuff and really explore yourself. Dig deep and address your own issues. The things I am finding out about myself and why I act like I do and my own issues has been amazing and I am well on my way to being the best version of myself.

@ILMBPDC these are really wise words! I agree totally.

interesting!

i follow @thesecurerelationship on instagram. a lot of good stuff, although i wish some of it were less generalized. for example, i just think if youre going to be learning from examples of communication techniques, that it should be understood that these are examples, not something to copy and paste.

since i started following that account, i get a lot of recommendations for the one you suggested. on the whole, seems like pretty good stuff.

When you say you wrote a good/bad list... What exactly are you comparing? Your ex's qualities, your reasons for being with him, the good and bad times in the relationship? I am on the conflicted board because my pwBPD spouse has said she's filing for divorce this week and I can't seem to do anything about it (I don't want the divorce) but my logical mind also tells me that my marriage is not healthy. So I am trying to find something to ease this pain.

Al of it - I wrote the things I liked about him/reasons I wanted to be with him and a list of things I didn't like/reasons I knew we shouldn't be together.  I was super honest with myself and just wrote it all down, even the things I would basically lie to myself about (like, one of the reasons I wanted him was because he wanted me. I just wanted someone to want me and would overlook how he made me feel because of that. And that was a hard thing to admit to myself). It is painful to open these wounds, especially if you have been lying to yourself or trying to feed yourself a narrative to make yourself feel better. But once I fully admitted these things and saw it in black and white I started working to heal. I have a long road ahead of me due to childhood cPTSD but I feel like I am finally on the right path and I feel like I am making huge strides in letting him go.