BPDFamily.com

I've been lurking on these forums for quite some time and I've never been able to find the words or courage to figure out how I can explain my situation. I have been with my pwBPD for close to a year now, we live together, and I have gotten to the point where I just don't know what to do anymore. In a lot of arguments we have, she typically starts them and it results with me being called selfish, inconsiderate, or uncompromising unless things unfold the way she wants them to. She responds with the reason she rages or have episodes is normally because I did something to trigger her and I don't know what the triggers are most of the time. It's like she only wants me to change my actions and to ignore her faults because she can't help her responses because of her mental illnesses. Whenever she mentions she needs help with daily tasks or some kind of adult responsibility, she tends to nag on about it and how she never has any help until I speak up and step up to whatever issue she's having. She thinks it's okay to act that way and that it's wrong when I don't step up and take responsibility for things pertaining to her. Her reasoning is she said I knew what I was signing up for ( single mother of 2 kids with neither father in the picture) and if that's too much for me then maybe she needs to find another partner who can give her the expectations and help she needs cause she can't "do this alone". I love her but we're not married and I can't constantly be her saving grace.  She has said to me that her relationships always go this way and she doesn't even see that the common factor is herself. I don't think it's fair for her to expect that much out of me and devalue my feelings for her whenever I don't immediately step up in those moments. She tells me my lack of enthusiasm to help means I don't care when in reality, I'm just tired of being her only source for everything and her not seeing how detrimental it is for my mental help. I've encouraged therapy, which she thinks it’s pointless, but she wants to try again. She doesn’t really have the best medical insurance so finding proper help has been a struggle but we are still trying. It's so much I wish I knew how to word with how things happen in our relationship to the point it drives me mad. I know I'm not perfect but am I really the inconsiderate and selfish partner she says I can be? It's hard to convince yourself otherwise when all you hear is how short you fall when it comes to being a supportive partner when it matters the most.

It sounds like she’s projecting her qualities upon you. It’s very common for members to report that they are accused of being selfish, unsupportive, thoughtless…the list goes on and on.  :(

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Hi Turtle,

So many pieces of your story rang so familiar and I'm currently going through one of those arguments right now. It definitely makes you question your core self. If you're on here looking for help, I think you're far from selfish. I agree that there is a lot of projection going on and our BPD people are very good at identifying their own feelings but not so great at understanding how we feel. Its funny because "selfish, inconsiderate, uncompromising/stubborn" are word for word exactly what I get called by my uBPDbf.

I also get nagged often about not completing my "assigned tasks". How it's the least I can do for him, considering all the sacrifices he makes, etc. Their sense of entitlement is strong, and maybe one of the reasons why nons (at least me) are resistant.

Another member brought up to me the concept of cognitive dissonance. You know you're a pretty alright person (as I'm sure is confirmed by +90% of the other people you hang out with), yet your partner is trying to paint a different picture and convince you that you're a terrible person. Its hard not to take it personally and believe me I have spent hours crying over it. It's ironic how they value people who are really confident & emotionally strong, but they work so hard to tear that down without a second thought. It's interesting how BPD is such a complex mental issue and yet many of the people who have it all say the same things in the same ways in similar situations.

You are doing your best and that's all you can hope for! You are a strong, amazing, charasmatic, empathetic person or else your BPD partner wouldn't have been drawn to you. You are not alone and I hope you find a way to support your own mental health too.