BPDFamily.com

Hello,
The history of the relationship with my mother is crushing down on me. So much good, it has seemed like ... and so much hurt and bad. Just excrutiating pain and sometimes my thoughts are so so tiring. I read here, listen to videos, journal ... live my life which is the best it's ever been and I am so thankful for. It's the HALT thing, hungry, angry, lonely, tired as didn't sleep a lot last night.

I just had 3+ years of a phone relationship with my mother that was mostly fun and loving ... with some challenges that I weathered and never commented on. Before that she had given me the silent treatment for about 12 years, second chunk of time. When we reconnected the first time on the phone I cried hard and had this primal feeling in my body that I wanted to move to her town and live near her. Have been gone, geographically, since I was 18. Couldn't live there but in my fantasy world I could. I could have a FOO that I could enjoy being with. Not going to happen, all the signs are there. Grateful that I do have that with husband and son.

I am a hurt child inside and can't see that ever going away, the grief, loss, abandonment of being accused, of being given the silent treatment since age 12 ... and the present moment feeling of crisis. How can I expect myself to feel differently? I can be detached and not "in" the feelings and I'm okay ... but they come up, they come back. Didn't sleep well because of it and feeling more vulnerable today. But I've lived with this gripping at me all my life. I've survived these feelings with binge eating ... and doing personal growth work.

But it's like a tragic accident.IT HURTS SO MUCH. OMG the jekyl/hyde thing hurts so much. I've wanted to be in a relationship with her and have a Mom. Since we reconnected I'd casually say something about "my Mom" as if I was just like everyone else ... yup, I have a Mom and we talk and I'm normal.

I AM SO SAD. It's happening again, it's all coming up inside me. It always happens the same way~ I say something in a regular tone that is relatively reasonable but heard as if I'm a demon who has shattered her existence and deserves to never be spoken to. THIRD time.

She called me 3 days in a row and we had good conversations until we didn't ... other times she'll go for weeks. Red flag, I wished I had been more careful but here I am. It's not going away, it's not going anywhere. I get feelings of wanting to cope in self destructive ways which I won't do but the core of me just feels so gutted. On one level. On another level I'm living my best life in simple ways, a good marriage and home, work, saving money, cleaning my house and working so hard with my mind. And shame. I feel shame putting this out there. I don't like having a mother with these issues and I hate the denial around it and need people to talk to. Thank you.

Hey CryingGame, I am so sorry you're in pain. I hear you and others will be a long soon to listen too.

The hardest thing with a BPD mother is when you start to trust and hope that things might be "normal", as normal as they could be with a BPD mum. When you think you have a worked out how to manage the relationship. But you put a foot wrong, say something in the "wrong" way, show something of your own unfiltered feelings, or say no to something you don't want to do and the illusion gets shattered.

Because we have spent our lives bound up in their feelings, hardwired to respond to their need, grief, pain, anger I think (forgive me I can only really base this on my own experience of my mother) we have little sense of our own pain and needs. I know I often mistake my mothers pain for my own, I know that I am still, at 50, learning to self soothe and parent myself. When I was younger one of the ways to soothe myself was through binging and purging, it helped to numb and soothe the rising and overwhelming pain, and yet the emptiness I felt. The purging helped to expel the rage. I have worked through my eating disorder but I still see food as comfort but I don't beat myself up for this. I see it for what it is and I have compassion for myself when I consider destructive ways to cope with impossible feelings.

As others often say to me, please don't be hard on yourself, someone said the other day, on here, to consider how you would respond to a friend who had written the above. If you could sit with yourself as a child, what would you do for her, to help her feel loved? This concept of self love used to make me feel yucky but now I can engage with it, and see it is simply about doing something when you are in pain that will help to calm and soothe you. We never had safe, reliable, consistent mothers to soothe us so we have to do that for ourselves now. It is so hard come to terms with that loss, the neglect.

Do you have a plan for when you will make contact with your mum again? 6 days ago I put a boundary in with my mother for no contact for just two weeks, two little weeks of my life. Yesterday I found a blocked voicemail on my phone from her, of course I listened to it. It was the Waif, ignoring my boundary and asking me to reassure her. My mood went through the floor. I spent all last night consumed with worry for her and guilt and hurt, hurt for her. What about hurt for me? I didn't respond to her appeals and this morning I feel a little less worried. I remembered that if you can try and sit with these periods of intense pain and hurting, tolerate them, they do pass. I think each time you do nothing but focus on your own well being, it starts to become more of a habitual response.

Take good care of you and here is a hug  :hug:

Hi,

One thing that helps me when I get distressed is to remember that "this too shall pass".

I just wanted to extend a virtual hug to you.  :hug:

My way of dealing with uBPDm was also through food when I was very young...  But when I started being shamed for my weight, I found solace in video games. I would play them constantly, I would only stop to go to school... And drugs. But I wouldn't recommend any of those as an escape route.

Like Goldcrest mentionned, I am also unsure how to self soothe. I realize now that anytime a really huge emotion comes to me, I either dissociate or I dig myself into some kind of work that involves moving around. I used to go for runs but now I am basically stuck at home, taking care of my kids. So I just... Hide in my mind for a while. It is not as effective as going for a run, but at least I am not unleashing on them. I hate it when I get triggered and fall into my past, and I get impatient with my children, when they did nothing wrong. I find it so hard to swim back to the present, and I am still trying to figure out how to do that... Waiting to hear from a therapist these days... They are all full.

All this to say: I have no idea how to manage the emptiness. But I noticed recently I don't feel it as much as I used to though, maybe because I try to focus the present, on what is working for me right now, instead of on the pain I carry.

Recently the only truth I could come up with is that I just need to accept I will always be sad, and to understand that having a background of sadness will not keep me from experiencing joy. Because I do feel joy, and I can still laugh at my daughter's silly jokes. Even though this joy, is always tainted by sadness.  And it's okay. There is something beautiful in sadness too... Some kind of hope. And that's what I attach myself on when I get too deep. The beautiful side of sadness... I'm not sure how to explain it any other way...

Thank you Goldcrest and Riv3Wolf so very very much for writing to me. Goldcrest your share makes me see the benefit of the silent treatment vs coming at me when I put a boundry up... and Riv3Wolf, isn't it hard to BE parents while trying to recover our Selves.

RW, I like what you shared about the sadness ... it's like grief, it doesn't end or go away. I mean, it IS grief, we are grieving an ideal. GC thank you, it is the shattering of something you just want to be dependable.

So happy to say I am not binging and feel more in recovery mode as I started the new year with a big push for my recovery.

I feel shakey though...and maybe a bit mad. I'm mad at being treated this way. It is an incredulous way for someone who sees herself as a loving mother to treat her daughter. UGH why do there ... no point. It hurts. What I hate the most is the control and power it has over me ... feeling abandoned and needy. I AM AN ADULT and can provide for myself and coming here to read and write is a way I'll do that.

The thing is I hate spending time on this, giving my energy, my life force, to this. But ... I need to do a little when I need to, maybe daily, just not all day.