BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I was wondering if some of you are in a similar situation as myself:

I have a son of 18 and a daughter of 17 years old from my previous marriage. My son is on the highly functional autistic spectrum. He is at university, I only see him in the weekends. My daughter has a lot of social anxiety. I see her every other week when she is not with her mom. I love them both very much and even though they have their own challenges, they are great and very polite kids.

My new GF has BPD and a daughter of 10 years old, who means the world to her, and I'm growing also very fond of her.

From the beginning on, we both agreed, my GF and myself, that we wanted to become one family and thus, buy a house together. But as our relationship moves on, I start noticing very strange behavior of my GF whenever she is around my kids. She became very anxious, very silent, almost overly shy. As if she just wants to run away. In the beginning, the first nights she stayed over in my house, she had panic attacks every night. She wanted to leave in the middle of the night. Saying she did not belong in my house, and that she was not wanted. I did not knew of her BPD back than.

To give you a concrete example. One day I was working outside in the garden, and my GF was doing some paperwork in the house. All of a sudden, she came outside and told me, almost like a five year old, that my daughters music was very loud (although it wasn't) . I than told her to ask my daughter to put it down. But she literally told me, she did not dare to ask. My GF went back in the house, and 10 minutes later she came back out, even more shy, saying her back was sore from sitting on a uncomfortable chair. I told her to go and sit on the bank. She than told me, again like a toddler, that my daughter was doing homework on the bank (I think 4 people easily fit on this bank) and that she had papers and her back pack on the bank. I told my GF to say to my daughter to make room for her. But again she said that she did not wanted to disturb my daughter.

My GF also frequently tells me that she feels as if my kids do not like her. Although my kids are very polite to her, and totally have excepted her. But I explained her that my kids are teenagers, and do not need us (parents) around anymore. But she does not seem to understand that. Because this is a reoccurring topic.

And so far my kids did not have to witness one of her 'episodes' but I'm afraid it is just a matter of time. And me dealing with it is one thing, but I don't want to involve my kids in this.

So I was wondering. How do people with BPD react to stepchildren.

I don't have any direct experience with step children, but what you're describing just sounds at at attempt to make sure that you don't love anyone else more than her and her family. 

I see similar patterns in my uBPDw as it relates to my family of origin.  She is very pro-her family and my family makes her uncomfortable because she doesn't want me close to anyone, but her.  My family is amazing and super respectful, but she'll try to make them seem "bad" so that her feelings are justified. 

That's a simplified explanation but it's my best understanding.