BPDFamily.com

Will try to be brief this time! When I have triggered my husband and he shuts down to me (only speaking when absolutely necessary, no contact etc) he consciously makes a big effort to be a fantastic father to our 3 young children. I’m not complaining as I am so glad for them that he is able to function and be the great Dad that he is. I’m confused if this is a usual pattern for BPD. Husband is undiagnosed, but he discovered the condition after researching a few years back and holds most of the traits. Is he intentionally trying to make me hurt? His dismissive manner with me is all the more glaringly apparent when he is so present for the kids. Or is it shame and embarrassment that causes this? Or does it sound like another PD altogether?
Thank you

When my wife stops speaking to me she can accomplish lots of things with the kids. Normally she is very present with the kids for short periods of time quite often during the day but she has a hard time doing things with them for longer periods of time, especially outside the home. She says it's because of her adhd (not diagnosed).

She herself has told me she needs to be motivated to get things done. I guess when she's angry at me its motivating to show me that she is capable of taking care of herself and the kids. And she wants to be a fun mom.

Last summer she took S5 to the beach by herself which impressed me, but she was ignoring me for a few days when that happened.

There can be other motivating factors too, being angry at me is not the only one.

I wouldn’t neglect to think that *drama* and hurt feelings can be a component of that type of behavior. “You think I’m a terrible person, but look what a wonderful dad I am!”

I’ll never forget having lunch with my BPD mother outdoors at an upscale restaurant when she was alternately softly yelling at me, then being incredibly charming to the server.

I'll add that one variable of this behavior could be the closeness of the relationship. As Cat mentions, a pwBPD may demonstrate "acceptable" behavior with someone where the relationship is less intimate. BPD seems to be about "relational wiring" issues (among other things). The difference in intimacy levels is pretty stark between parent-daughter and parent-waiter. There is also a difference in relational intimacy levels between spouse versus child. I suspect that the higher the relational intimacy level, the stronger the dysfunction, as those are the "wiring patterns" perhaps most affected by BPD.

Of course, there is still relational intimacy of its own type between parents and children, though it's a different flavor than between partners, so yes, the BPD traits can and do show up between parent and child. Yet the parent-child relationship is less intimate than the spousal relationship.

It may be that even though your H is having serious difficulties in the spousal relationship, for whatever reason his "wiring circuit" for acting in the role of parent is functioning OK at that time. Kind of like how Cat's mom had "normal" wiring for the patron-server relationship, but dysfunctional wiring for the parent-child relationship, all at the same time.

It may not be intentional, even though the contrast is so stark and obvious... to us. In addition to the relational wiring issues, part of BPD seems to be the lack of self-awareness and/or misattribution of causality. They can literally be the ones doing the "two different kinds of relating" at the same time, yet be unwilling/unable (if there's even a meaningful difference) to see themselves doing it. And/or, even if they notice "something going on", they may blame others for the issue -- kind of like, "I notice that something wrong is happening in this interaction... I have that awareness... but I cannot correctly identify that I am the one doing it, yet it is still happening... so I attribute the cause of the wrong thing happening to whoever else is around".

Anyway, all that is more a possible explanation than excuse. It really depends on the individual pwBPD whether they're motivated by drama, hurt feelings, proving something, etc, or if it's just the "relational miswiring" part of the disorder showing up, or a combination, or other. I think a lot of what pwBPD's do comes across as "purposeful" and if so it doesn't make any sense. I think ascribing "normal purpose" to their behaviors neglects to remember that it's... a disorder.

Again, just a possible explanation, not an excuse for behaviors.

Hope it's helpful food for thought!

kells76

This is all extremely helpful, thank you for taking the time to reply. It’s also strangely reassuring that it is not an intentionally malicious act when often it feels so much that way from my standpoint.
The past couple of days have seen an escalation in erratic behavior from H. He lost his temper with my youngest. She was throwing an almighty fit herself before school and his anger level, voice, and words clearly frightened my little one. My middle child and myself were also shocked and fearful at the outburst. He then appeared to have a complete breakdown and went to bed before recovering his cool with the kids and giving me even more resentment/silent treatment. He has said he is leaving us but is vacillating between holding the anger for me and then texting me with very apologetic, remorseful messages. I have again encouraged him to seek some treatment so that we can take steps to heal our relationship but, at the time of me writing this, it’s still a no go. I’m now away for a few days with my kids. Planned trip. H decided not to join. I am feeling relief to be away to give myself some space and reassure myself that I am doing the best that I can given the circumstances. Such a mess.