BPDFamily.com

(Very)Long story short, I'm about to board a plane tomorrow to see my ex who has BPD, under the impression we were going to try and reconcile. I booked the flights in what I can see now was the idealization phase. She's grown distant in the weeks leading up, and it's become clear she's been seeing other people, which has re-opened an old wound.

I feel like an idiot. EVERY step of the way there was a voice in the back of my head saying this was a huge and obvious mistake. But I love her, and so I ignored these warnings because I hoped we would finally be able to overcome our difficulties. If there is any silver lining, whatever happens this weekend, my co-dependent nature is in full bloom and I will be living the consequences of it in real time. I think I'm about to learn my lesson.

So what do you think that lesson will be?

Love isn't enough. I want this to work so badly but I've all but lost myself trying to make this work.

I agree. That will likely be the lesson. You can read my posts for the full story, but a similar thing happened to me. My wife of 5 years left suddenly, flew across the country, I now know she was seeing other people there (didn't at the time), I flew to see her and "take her out to dinner and reconcile." When I showed up, she basically told me she doesn't love me right now, get lost, etc etc. It's in my other posts if you're interested.

Go in realistic, think ahead about what your boundaries and expectations are, and read as many of the communication tools on this website as you can going in (I wish I would have done that), especially about validating, not JADEing, etc. DO NOT BE INVALIDATING OR GET INTO CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS.

She will probably try to push your buttons, make you jealous, feel bad about yourself, project her lying and cheating on you, etc. Keep your cool and don't take the bait. Don't accept blame for things you didn't do, raise your voice, anything. Act in a way you will be proud of how you acted years down the line. And make sure you have some good family, friends, maybe a therapist, post on here. She will warp your mind.

And realize that whatever happens, it's not permanent, BPD emotions and minds change on a whim, often unpredictably. After she kicked me to the curb, blocked me, filed for divorce, called the police on me, etc., now she is acting like nothing happened, calling to see how I am, etc. I think I could patch it up now if I wanted but I'm not sure that I do. Hence, most of my posts are on the conflicted board now.

I'm no expert, but if I can be of any help, let me know, and post on here what happens if you want :)

How did the flight go? I am currently in a rocky long distance relationship with someone with a lot of BPD traits/addiction/depression/ADHD and it is so exhausting. Giving up seems easier with the distance, how did you manage leaving after you went?