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My Mom’s next appointment for her macular degeneration shots is next Friday.

At the last appointment about 4-5 weeks ago, I reminded her I had a new job and so she would need to ask someone else for a ride.  That set off a torrent of abuse described in an earlier thread.  Since then I have been busy with  a new job (came out of retirement), so I have been LC with her.  On valentines day I brought  her a cute miniature arrangement, and she showed me a fabric card she was making. The LC has felt  strained but cordial.

Since her last eye appointment and the rage event,, she has discontinued one of the prescriptions her ophthalmologist ordered as treatment, which she has been receiving via home care.  It was a bedtime ointment which she has been receiving since late October.  It was treatment after an infection which could cause blindness.  She is still accepting the “drops” treatment 3 X per day.  Mom created this narrative that she was allergic to the ointment because of headache.  She has previously been on this same ointment back in 2020 and 2014.  She called her opthalmologists office and told them she had allergy.  The office called her back and advised her to stop the ointment.  So she cancelled the ointment home care treatment. She hated this bedtime treatment “because she was always waiting for them at 9pm”.  

Yesterday H asked me when mom’s next eye appointment was.  I reminded him it was next Friday, but I wasn’t taking her.  H: does she know that? Me: of course! That’s what brought about the last rage.  H: well you better remind her because she probably hasn’t made alternative arrangements.

He could be right, with the BPD propensity to always create the next crisis.

This has released a flurry of guilt and self-questioning.

If I raise the point with her It will probably unleash another rage.  If I do nothing, she will probably ask me what time I am picking her up.  

Her appointment is at 9:30, and takes 1- 1 1/2 hrs.  My staff meeting is at 11, which is when I start work that day.

I could offer to drive her in, but she would have to find someone to pick her up.  The problem is that she likes/wants/needs to have someone there with her to help interpret when she can’t hear or understand.

What I have realized in the last day or two is that she made me her “long term care plan” so she wouldn’t have to go down the assisted living road.  I cannot be her nurse or her counsellor etc.  I could be her daughter, but she has made me into her mommy. But I can’t be that either. Added to all this is the fact that she is currently disregarding the medical advice of two different specialists.  

The other point that may be valid here is that last year in the pandemic I had a one day a week job.  The ophthalmologist reserves a specific day each week to give these eye shots, and last year my employer switched my work day to the only day the specialist gives these shots.  Mom found a friend to drive her.  

I have been working on emotionally detaching for the last couple of years, while remaining supportive in my role as a daughter, and doing my best as her needs have increased.  Of course my best is never enough..  It is as if she thinks I am her possession, and I owe her…

Any advice on how to navigate the conversation with her about who she’s arranged to drive her next week to her ophthalmologist for her next set of eye shots?

How to assauge my guilt for not taking her? Or conversely,  is it my responsibility as her daughter to take her?

My H works that day so he can’t take her.  There is no other family.

Exhale.

You don’t need to be the one to take her, but if your husband is right, that she assumes you will, then I would bring it up. She will probably try to make you feel guilty, because that’s what she does, but you have a choice in whether you take on that guilt. I hope you will choose not to take the guilt on.

I would  remind her that both you and H work that day, so she will  need to reach out to a friend to take or pick up. I know older  people don’t like Uber, and there are all the pandemic related concerns, but perhaps that or a taxi, driving service is also an option. You can offer suggestions, but it isn’t your job to solve this. She found a friend before and can do so again.

Good luck!

It seems that this appointment is a real test of whether you will allow your mother to be responsible for her care. Of course, she is likely to do everything she can to make you feel guilty including possibly not finding anybody to take her. You have been anticipating a scenario like this for a long time. Reminding your mother to find someone to take her to the appointment is all you can do, if you are to effectively reinforce that you will no longer drop everything to be her caretaker.

So here's what I'm thinking...

Spend one conversation a week on what you can do for her that week, for example:

"I can buy groceries on Monday evening, do your week's medications after I put away groceries. H can do A, B, C. You have an eye appointment on Thursday that you'll need to arrange transportation."

Start getting the week laid out at the beginning in terms of what you can do (positive) and what you can't do (she's on her own).

How does that feel?

When I read GagaGirls response...I had the idea of maybe even also bringing over a calendar with those large spaces to write the weeks appointments, duties, etc? I think the idea of one conversation a week where you clearly state what needs to happen and what you can and can't provide is a really good one. Maybe also having it written down for her each week could help prevent any miscommunication, forgetting, or opportunities to create crises by saying you never told her. It may also help prevent you from feeling guilty next time because you will know that you wrote down that she needed to find transportation for that appointment/day and you will know it was/is already clearly communicated. Maybe that will put a little more responsibility on her and prevent you from needing to also worry about reminding her and opening yourself up to more communications and opportunities for her anger/abuse? I hope it goes well!

Before my mom went into hospital, then rehab, then home hospice -- Mom was living with us with a pretty active schedule of doctor appointments, hair and nail appointments, church, etc. and a calendar with extra large blocks was exactly what we used. And we had all three of our schedules on the calendars -- Mom, my husband, and me -- plus the scheduled mornings that her paid caregiver was scheduled. We lived by it, because it really threw my mom for a loop if she scheduled something then found out there was no one to take her.

Oh gosh, this is tough, because you do care but you can't be her constant nurse. It would be one thing if she were compliant with the medication, and seemed to understand its importance- and just needed a ride,  but she's not compliant and this is concerning.

I think it's fair to remind her you have work that day. I also wonder if she misses the appointment, and also isn't compliant with the medicine, would this tip the scales to the realization that she needs more assistance? Is she able to pay for someone to help her at home and accompany her to the doctor appointments? Is she legally competent to be in charge of her medial care?

Helping is a wonderful thing to do- when you can do it, but is the helping so much keeping her from being considered unable to care for herself?

Who is in charge of her finances? Can you hire someone to help take her to appointments and also use her funds to pay for that?

Once we were planning a family event, and BPD mom was coming. I realized that unless someone was with her constantly, she'd be constantly asking me to do things for her through that. She also needs assistance but it would be more than that- asking me for water, asking me to do things but I wanted to enjoy it too.  So, I looked for and paid someone to "elder sit" her during that time. They came with her and were her companion for the day. It was very much worth the expense and she had this person all to herself and was happy about it. Sure we spent time with her too, and she got to see everyone- but I could be a guest, not her assistant.

BPD mom had enough money to cover this, but I saw this as doing something for me. If I took charge of it, then I knew she'd have the help she needed. It may be that you take charge of this for some of her appointments as something you do for your own peace of mind.

NotWendy is right -- it is impossible to do it all. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...impossible.

There must be a method of dividing responsibilities and expenses. Your mother has not yet accepted that.

Is the path forward that she confront some limitations that she can not handle? I don't know. Methuen, where are you in your assessment?

Methuen, I have nothing useful to offer except to say that reading your post just made me feel angry on your behalf and also sick with the similar experience we have. A mother that deliberate sabotages her care when she doesn't get her own way, THEN making it look like you were responsible.

You are navigating something really tough and I think this is the crap any kind of contact brings, be it low, no, grey rock...they still can destabilise us. Just look after you, build your fortress and remember who you are, regardless of what you do for your mum. Kind, compassionate and a survivor.

Thank ya'all for your replies.  You've given me lots to think about.  Also really appreciate the empathy and yes - validation.

Today H and I brought lunch to share with her at her house.  She was happy with that - momentarily.  Near the end she asked "so whose taking me to my appointment".  I nearly choked.  Couldn't believe it...after the rage which came (after the last appointment when I told her I would be working  and unable to drive her).

So I gently reminded her that at her last appointment I had said I wouldn't be able to take her and she had got mad at me.  So then she said:

"no not that.  You said when you brought me flowers on Valentines day that you would take me".  

 :cursing: really?  

What we said was that we would try to find a way to help with her family doctor appointments (Dr's name) when we could.  But clearly she heard what she wanted that day, and not what was actually said.

So, I replied it was unfortunate that there was confusion with misspeaking or mishearing, but I had a staff meeting Friday morning so I couldn't take her, and H works Friday as well.

She replied "well I'm not making it up".

So I rinsed and repeated, and she said "well I can take a taxi" as a threat.

H said "that's a good idea".

We did a few other things for her, gave her leftovers from the lunch, and departed.  

There was no thank-you for lunch.  Inside she was boiling.

If H hadn't been there, she would have raged" at me all over again.

I can't be alone with her anymore.

It felt horrible afterwards.  I was driving in circles around town.  Couldn't focus.  Decided to get off the road.

GaGrl:
Yes - but she isn't CAPABLE of doing this.  She will NEVER address this.  Instead, the crisis will happen, and she blames everyone else for the crisis.  

She recently had an assessment with the elderly services here, but she withdrew her consent to keep me in the loop.  I don't know what happened.  But if she doesn't want to go to assisted living, elderly services won't "make her".  Not until she loses capacity and becomes incompetent.

She attacks anyone that tries to talk to her about planning, and just blames everyone else for her problems.

Currently she is blaming the opthalmologist for the infection.

She blames me for saying (on Valentines day) I would drive her to her appt this Friday, and then today saying I couldn't.  She could never accept that she might misheard or misunderstood.  I think it's just a strategy to put pressure on me, truly...

She just "makes it up"...all the time...to have her needs met.  I am truly burned out with her behavior.  Drowning in the quicksand.

As for the calendar schedule, I feel like this is a strategy when everyone lives under the same roof.  When our kids were smaller we did this.  However, I have big reservations of getting into this with my mom, because if I have groceries scheduled for a certain time/day, then if a work meeting or something happens and I have to change the time I get her groceries, it's a big big big big problem.  She can't be adaptable or flexible.  Or I can't count on her to be.

Hi Methuen,

I am sorry to hear of the ongoing turmoil with your mom. The late mother of a friend of mine was much as you describe your mother with the addition of physical violence on at least one occasion.  When her mom was declining and her dad had developed dementia, she petitioned for conservatorship (guardianship in Canada) over them both.  She and her sibling then plucked the notice to appear in court that was sent to her parents out of the mail.  When they did not show up to the hearing, the judge ruled in favor of the conservatorship immediately. I am not advocating mail tampering, and I don't know if I would have followed the same path in her situation.  I'm merely putting it out there as a consideration if/when your mom's situation unravels and the government does not step in to get her the help she needs.  I do realize that - at least initially and perhaps in an ongoing fashion - your mom would freak out if you, even with legal backing, moved her to assisted living. 

There really are no easy answers.  I'm glad your husband is a source of support for you during this exhausting and trying time. 

Thanks again everyone for the replies.  You are all planting seeds…

You know how so many of us always say it doesn’t matter how much we do for our pwbpd, it’s never enough?

…and we all know the expression “death by a thousand cuts”….

I talked to her today about a bank card for her.  Later in the day, I got the following text: 

“ (name)  is 102 and still in his own home. His son sees him every day”

I have not replied.  I am speechless.  I don’t know what to say.  Is the best response to say nothing, or…?

Methuen,
My heart hurts hearing how your mother treats you. Perhaps the best response would be to sit quietly observing the uncomfortable feelings brought up by this text until these feelings are no longer bothering you . I don't know if it would be worth it to write your mother a letter tellling her how you feel about how she treats you or if that would be just another hurtful event that she responds to with rage and more hurtful words that would make you feel worse. Your body and mind seem to be telling you that you can't take care of her anymore and it seems that the feelings are escalating as a way to tell you to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe.

I don't see that a reply to her text is necessary.

I never replied…so she texted the same message word for word to my H.

...and like the son of the 102 years old, you could visit her every day only for her to text you next time to say such and such's son visits twice a day. YOU CAN NOT WIN. 

I wonder sometimes if they want us to have a breakdown. :hug:

She wants to hurt me as much and as deep as she can.  Probably because she hurts so much inside….Anything  to break me with guilt so I will do whatever she wants at her beck and call. 

.

Yes, I am slowly starting to believe this with my own mother. After an awful call yesterday where I felt like i'd been dragged by a speeding car over gravel, I really started to question if her goal is to break me.

I (stupid I know) tried to reason with her - as she told me I was killing her with the stress I was causing. I tried to get her to understand that both of us are suffering so the solution would be to limit contact. She simply could not accept that SHE was causing me stress, would not have it. I was the cause of the stress for her and for me. She was doing nothing wrong. It was insanity.

I think Methuen with each of these awful encounters if we can hold on to how damaging they are to us and remind ourselves of all the kind and "good daughter" stuff we do do, we can start to know we are dealing with someone who simply loves to be in conflict. With my mum conflict feels amazing. For me it feels awful and takes me days to self soothe from. I am coming to see (very slowly) that it really is a question of my sanity or her madness.

You are a good person Methuen. You have gone above and beyond for your mother. You do not deserve this and you are not dealing with an ordinary healthy, human being.