BPDFamily.com

Good morning all,

Its been a few months since I last posted.  Today is more for me to get my thoughts out - use you all as a journal - so my daughter wont be able to rifle through my things and find what I have written and hold it against me.

'disclaimer' I am FULLY and utterly in a poor me mindset.  I cant stop crying and I cant bring myself to see anything in a positive light at the moment.

In fact I FEEL BPD as I am SO affected by how my daughter is doing.  If she is good and taking her meds and feeling strong - I am well.  When she is low and unhinged - so am I.

I am doing my best to use the skills I have learned in DBT and most days they really help.  Today - maybe I am hormonal -  I cant seem to get there.

We had a long stretch of GOOD.  She was strong and her meds were taken on time and properly, she was going to school and working.  Things were going so well that I actually bought grad photos (criminal how much they charge for those honestly) thinking SHeS GOING TO DO IT! 

Then early January my husband and I needed a break (is there a thread about how hard this is on marriages) and he moved out for 30 day trial separation.  While we both did our best during this time - I struggled emotionally and my daughter cut him off completely.  While the break was extremely good for our marriage - from that point my daughter went south.

Side note: I do have a younger daughter who was also recently diagnosed with severe anxiety and the dr wants her to take meds as well.

I know we cant change the past but I am stuck in this place of WHY did I think I had what it took to be a good mom.  My friends and family hate when I talk like this and they feel I am a great mom BUT they dont see the ins and the outs of our family.  Its so hard to believe it when your child and now children and suffering SO MUCH.  How can you say they were raised well?

Im the kind of person who needs things to make sense.  And it just doesnt make sense.

Daughter with BPD, daughter with anxiety.  Neither are going to school very much.  Both abuse weed and now my BPD daughter has upgraded to prescription meds.  I found out she stole my Ativan (I have a prescription for when I fly so obviously its been full for the last few years) and she busted it up and snorted it.  She's tried multiple different meds (benzos, morphine pills etc) recently and I feel powerless.  She's been driving while high (weed) and making very dangerous choices.

My husband and I are getting ready to take her car away (we paid for half) and I know this will create an episode with broken walls and physical abuse from her end.  Especially since she is currently on day 5 of not taking her meds. But I don't have any other choice.  She is a danger on the road and irresponsible.

I hate that I have to do this.  It will likely keep her in a place of spiralling down and I struggle so much with giving her ANY reason to keep making bad choices but this is just the reality of my life.

I dont know if any of this resonates with anyone.  I feel so lost and alone.  I wish there were more in person support groups because I need a hug from someone who REALLY GETS IT.

Signed - Poor me

Trying2Survive,

Just chiming in to say I relate to you very much. I often have the same thoughts about parenting. Why did I ever think this was a good idea, that I was prepared enough for this? Didn't I used to be more patient and relaxed, etc? I'll think about driving and not stopping, knowing I'd never do it but then feeling guilty about the thought. And yes, this is incredibly stressful for a relationship, though I have found that it has helped my husband and I learn to communicate better so we have a united front when approaching our BPD daughter. That has taken time and is still a work in progress. And her mood affects me SO much. It emanates through the house. Her accusations hit me deeply, even when I know they are "inaccurate".

We are going through (another) rough spot with our daughter, requiring that she leaves our house after sleeping on our couch (unexpectedly) for 2 months and not following through with promises of saving money, among other agreements. We knew going into the conversation it was not going to go over well. She blames us and others for her problems, accuses us of of not loving her, not including her as a part of our family. She screams, cries, etc. She also doesn't follow through with medication, self-medicates, makes terrible decisions in relationships and with money. She won't recognize that her decisions are a large part of why she is where she is. I avoid hard conversations with her because I know they'll go badly. But then I'm not holding her accountable by being silent. When we discussed this with her, she acted in the expected way, she stormed off, drove off and we haven't heard from her since then (just a day ago). I'm worried, of course. Like you said, what downward spiral will this send her down. Then we feel responsible for that downward spiral, but that's not the reality. It's actually not necessarily anybody's fault, right?

I have worked hard to set boundaries for my own mental health. I love her so much and I do feel so incredibly sorry for her. And at the same time, it doesn't matter how much we do, it's never enough. It's lose lose. So I'm working on protecting myself and my other family members. And I feel relief at the same time I feel deep sadness and guilt. And I think of all the things I could have done differently, could have said differently. And then I think of the many things I've done for her over the years (sacrificing my own well being in the process), that have gone largely unnoticed. And none of it makes sense, right? It's sort of like the saying ... the only constant in life is change. For this, it's more like, "two opposites can be true," or something...it's hard to wrap the brain around it all. Easy to feel like a failure. But it does help me to stick to the mantra - I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I cant control it. For me, guilt is always the resounding feeling. And this helps me - at times - let go of that feeling.

So, please accept this virtual hug. I feel you and I know how it important it is to find people that can relate. And I'm glad you have friends and family that support you and can remind you that you are a good parent. And I understand why you question that.

I hope this helps, if even to know someone else is suffering alongside you. ha.

M-T

Thank you for the response M-T. 

When I read peoples posts I honestly feel like I could have written them myself.  It feels very unfair to know we will likely always live this way.  Its mentally taxing and it also pushes people away.  Who wants to have coffee with the mom whose kid is always melting down and always in crisis.  Most people think we just PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed this parenting thing right up.  They dont believe there is 'nothing we can do'.  Its so exhausting.

Update: Last night we tried to have a conversation with her about her dangerous behaviour while driving/not going to school/not taking her meds etc and told her that we need to work together to come up with a solution and get some help.  We did tell her that if she was unwilling to do these things we would have to take her keys.  She protested a little but after awhile our arguments made enough sense and even she (she is a master at arguing her point) that she just decided to give them up without us even asking.  Said she was unwilling to do anything and that was going to make her more 'palatable to society'.

This morning she wanted them back and when I said no the destruction began.  Unfortunately - today for the first time I had to call the police.  I was home alone and she was ripping things off walls/ throwing anything she could get her hands on.  The house was destroyed.  To the point where even when the police arrived they didnt believe me that she was the one who did this.  They questioned me multiple times about who else did this.

She has been taken to the hospital.  My husband came home and it took us 3 hrs to clean the mess...but other than the empty spaces left from broken items on the wall and shelves - it looks like nothing happened.

What do I do now?  Do I go to the hospital?  She is 17.  I forgive her already.  Is this because I am broken myself?  How do you move past something like this? 

When you say its a lose/lose - it really is.  I stay home and let her sort it out - and now I wasn't there for her during her time in need.  I go to the hospital, she will likely treat me terribly and I re-inforce her bad behaviour.

I am trying so hard to use my DBT skills.  Two things can be true.  I can let her bear the consequences and responsibility of her behaviour AND I am a good mom.  But is leaving her when you know this is a mental health issue and something she has a hard time controlling actually the right way to handle things? Is 17 too young to step away?  I have so many questions and I just dont think there is a right answer.

I'm really so sorry to hear this. I wish I had a good answer for you. Our daughter had an episode during the pandemic and they wouldn't allow us to go to the hospital because of COVID. I was somewhat relieved for the reasons you mention below. I didn't have to make the choice about what I should do.

We have struggled hard with our daughter the last 6+ years, but we didn't really get a solid diagnosis until about a year ago. She is now 21, so I don't know what you do when they're still just 17. I'd be inclined to stick with it until she is an "adult", but don't take that to heart. I wouldn't judge you either way and my circumstances are different. She has never gotten violent with us or the items in our home. Even at 21, she is still far from an adult and the balance b/t her playing the "adult card" and "helpless" card is impossible.

 Again, I would highly recommend getting into therapy, if you aren't already.

I just wrote a response to your personal response - before I read this post. I see things have moved on from November.

I so get your dilemma and sending hugs. You are not alone.

Back again. Reread your post. My years of dealing with BPD dd was tied up with the dilemma of cars. I won't go into the years of struggle with this but it came down to this - without a car dd's symptoms skyrocket. The car is almost like a means to self medicate - it calms her, gives her a feeling of the independence that she actually doesn't have because she can't take control of her own life.

After a while I didn't fix up the holes in the walls or doors - they are staying there until I want to move, then I will do the 'big' fix up. So they are a reminder of the response to a 'no'.

I found people don't understand why I am paying to have a new manifold put into the old car that she bought from a 'mate' (clearly ripped her off). That's because they don't understand BPD or the choices that we have to make.

I still don't know whether the decisions I made along the way were the best ones. I tried to think things through and make the best decision I could at the time.

DD got caught driving under influence of marijuana and lost her licence. She went off it and got it back (because it is fat soluble - unlike alcohol - it takes a long time to get out of the system, in her case 13 weeks).

She got caught again and lost it again. This is where we are now. In the meantime she has been on ice and come off it herself - but she can't stop using marijuana. She desperately wants her licence back, tries to go off it, and goes spare - usually at me. She has stopped punching holes thank goodness.

So I wonder if I had been tougher at an earlier age would the journey have been different? Probably yes but I don't know if it would have been better or worse.

When she was 15 or so a paediatric psychiatrist said that often the usual behaviour management methods are not useful in BPD. And when you come to think about it, how many boundaries do we put up around their behaviour that they just - on impulse - smash down and keep going!

Someone on this site said they found it helpful to think of a 'boundary' as something that is there to protect you - rather than limit the BPD person in some way. I found this amazingly helpful.

At some point in time - and I don't know when that is - we step back because perhaps the only way to learn is by consequences. In the case of using a car of course the consequences can be awful. I found I had to let go of thinking about that to - because I didn't have any control over it.

This might be a good time to withdraw the car to see if things can get back to the place they were a while ago. I think it comes down to this - if you think there is a chance that it will help your dd get back to where she was a few months ago then it could be worth a try.

Think through how you will deal with the possible fallout from her. I know it will be tough, but you can come here anytime knowing everyone here understands.

Thank you Sancho!

I agree.  Her outreach worker did say a lot of the things you talked about.  Its so hard to wrap your mind around what it takes to parent a BPD child because its opposite of what the world will tell you to do.  We also talked today about the vehicle situation.  She doesn't believe punishing her for bad behaviour by taking her keys is the wrong choice.  Instead we should put some parameters around it for safety reasons.  We agreed to taking meds regularly and not driving while high.  If those continue to happen - keys are gone.  She feels those are fair and needed.  I agree.  I completely agree with the freedom being a piece of her self medicating - as long as she is being safe.  What a great way to put it.

Thank you for your response.  It validated a lot of the decisions we made today and I needed that.