BPDFamily.com

Where to start...  I'm so sad.  My H was diagnosed BPD several years ago but he says he is BP.  He self-medicates with "herbs".  He periodically gets furiously angry with me.  (I have a theory that the dark stout he drinks makes it even worse) We (my 15 yo daughter and I) walk on those eggshells everyday until  we learn what the day's mood is.  The frequency of angry events has increased to weekly (?) and I can't do anything right. He is degrading and belittling; gaslighting (it's working...) Last Friday there was an incident for which he blames me for ruining his vehicle (long story) and he has now informed me that he hates me forever.  He said he's leaving me, but actually kicked ME out of the house - now he says I left and abandoned him.  He said he's blocked my phone number.  He keeps texting my daughter and putting her in the middle asking her when she's coming home and showing her pictures of her beloved cats.  Or the other day he asked her if I'M ready to come home yet.  How can I go home when he says I've ruined his entire life and our marriage has been a huge debacle? (no lie there.. 30 + years or this...)  I'm so sad :(  I want to go home.  :(

Substance abuse + BPD is very complicating. It’s hard to know which is contributing more to the problem.

With BPD you’ve probably heard that feelings = facts. Yes, he says horrible things to you, but that is his expression in the moment; it doesn’t necessarily indicate he believes them on a consistent basis. Hence, the request for you to come home and the idea that you left, rather than he told you to leave.

If you want to go home, do so. And if you haven’t already, take a look at the Tools at the top of the page.

Something that could help would be to not listen to his rants. Leave the house, telling him you’ll be back in an hour or so. Or leave the room. Living with someone with BPD you need extremely clear boundaries…and a very thick skin. It’s painful to hear awful things said about you. Take your ears elsewhere.

Another cat aficionado,
Cat

Thank you so much - your words were exactly what I needed to hear today ♥️

Really sorry to hear this and we all know how draining it is. My husband recently told me when he gets angry it’s almost like he blacks out and can’t remember half of what he says or does. I filled in the blanks for him when he was in a calm and rational mood recently and he genuinely looked horrified. Said he didn’t remember it the way I said it happened. He’s also done similar when quoting various arguments in the past.

We recently went out  and it got stressful because of him and he basically started ranting at me in public about how I’d ruined the entire trip and it was all my fault. Normally I would snap back and defend myself but I literally just ignored him. Moving away from him wasn’t an option as he was driving his vehicle but I ignored. It was the hardest thing to do but with in about 30 minutes he was in a better mood and it didn’t escalate. I think me not responding made him realise it was all him causing the issues. Unfortunately being closest to them we get blamed for everything that goes wrong. Also using the children is pretty common with BPD. It’s not right but you are not alone.

Unfortunately we have to change how we behave to accommodate them. Explaining or justifying intensifies their anger.

My husband also self medicated with herbs and when he gave up his behaviour got even worse. It’s very complex

Thank you for sharing that - if we get to a point where I can go back I’m certainly going  to try the no-response method although that is extremely hard for me when I hear the bs that comes out of his mouth… i am intrigued by the “black out” anger because I often wonder if this happens to a degree. Sometimes I wish I had hidden cameras recording…

So one week away now… he still has blocked my number and no contact. Has some texting with my daughter. This feels like he meant what he said about being done. This sucks.

Week two is over now. Still NC. Sometimes I see my phone say he has notifications silenced so I’m really not sure if My number is blocked or not. I hate the waiting. I feel like I must fix this. My daughter is very stressed out. He told her today that she has to come get the cats -3- because he won’t be able to feed them next week. We can’t bring them where we are staying and she is beside herself.  I told her we will make sure they get fed. Then I went and texted him to please talk to me so we can figure things out. I don’t know if that was the wrong thing to do? I don’t know if he’s still in the hating me mode? I assume he is or he would unblock my number. I’m trying to not have my daughter ask him things for me - it’s so hard. My stomach hurts and my brain hurts.