BPDFamily.com

Wouldn't my relationships with my siblings be existent if my mother were well?

The very fact that walking away from my mother led to an eventual breakdown of each sibling relationship still throws me. Yet the fact this happened  is in itself a reinforcement of the elephant in the room.  BPD.

 You all still believe Mom is mostly healthy? You think she is the victim?  Or do you often wonder if I am the one that got it right by leaving? The unknowns are forever long.


I can still text one sibling and get a response, but it is the most dull relationship ever. And i often wonder if they respond just to be nice, but have no love for me in their heart.


My mom is not well. She has triangulated us all her whole life, and when I get sad about her absence from my life, I remember that I ALSO  do not currently have sibling relationships  and I truly believe she is about 90 percent of the reason.

That is not normal. That is not okay.

I've been doing work for 3 years..and my life is wonderful in my NC situation. 

But damn sometimes the irregularity of "my personal normal" is just SAD.

This is a vent post. I know that in this forum we all can do that when needed and it is nice.

I wonder ...

I know pwBPD triangulate sibblings, and pit them up once against another. I know my BPDm tried her hardest to do that to us as well. I do think she tried to push me away from both my brothers by:
Lying about them
Instigating competition about who is the most successful and best child
Making me feel like an outsider to her special relationship with them, like I don't understand them

I think she used similar tactics with them, projecting on me, to basically create a wedge between us. And for a long time, we barely talked to each other and we would mostly fight when we did.

But I recently came out of the fog about who she is, and let both my brothers know what was happening to me and why I had stepped back from the relationship. I told them I loved them, told them how much they had helped me through our rough childhood.

They both understood and decided to stay out of it (my mother and I falling apart). 

Both they both still hate each other.

Somehow, I escaped the triangulation, and was able to keep both my brothers love and protection. I find that when I am truly authentic with them, they have nothing else to show me than love and support. Even if they both still care for my mother's mood and needs. There is still hope.

I also know some healthy families in which siblings don't like each other because of different personnalities. For us, we are all very different, but somehow trauma seems to keep us together.

And so... I think sibblings rivalry, love, competitions etc. are affected by an unhealthy mother but we also have to recognize our brothers and sisters own decision in continuing the abuse and triangulation... Some people like chaos, some people needs chaos to feel something...

It is so sad when parents pit their children against each other. There is so much manipulation and dishonesty going on behind the scenes, it is often nearly impossible to have a handle on all that is going on, while the parents are alive and after they are gone. I was naive to think that somehow my relationships with my siblings would improve after my mother with BPD passed away. I have ended up going low contact with my siblings and would be no contact if it were possible. Sometimes No Contact is the healthiest choice even though it hurts beyond words because your siblings are the only people you will likely have with you for nearly your whole life and are your closest biological relatives. Low contact is also painful because it means you have to protect yourseIf from being harmed by your siblings. I now surround myself with honest open people as much as possible. I am not God and cannot mind read hidden agendas. The healthy people make relationships easy and comfortable, and know how to deal with conflict with honesty, respect, and kindness.

Rather than focus on one person, it helped me to see this from a family systems perspective. A family functions as one unit. If there's a disordered person, the other family members also take on certain behaviors so that the unit can function- such as enabling, a golden child, a scapegoat- etc.

When one person changes their role, it affects the system. Each person in that system then begins to feel discomfort- because everyone has a role in keeping things as they are. The first reaction is to get the person who changed to go back to their role, so that they are "balanced" again. If this doesn't work, then they may outcast that person and rearrange themselves into a new balance.

When I began to have boundaries with my BPD mother, she didn't like that. I got an email from my father "I just want us to be a happy family again".

What? Happy family? Yes, we were a functional family- we had some good times together- but I'd not describe it as happy. BPD mother didn't seem happy and she is emotionally and verbally abusive. To translate this meant-things go better in the family when we tolerate her behavior.

Changing my role led to being discarded by some people in my mother's circle. However, they also had the choice to do that or not.

Family systems also impact generations. Sometimes these patterns aren't well understood- it feels normal to them. My mother's family can be enmeshed. She's talked about how someone didn't invite a family member to one function so the whole family boycotted it. It functions as a unit. However, to them, they think this is the right thing to do- as it's been what the family does.

Your siblings may be responding in the way they know to do. It probably isn't personal to you.

Sister 1 has maintained a surface level relationship with me up until recently when things exploded with my uBPDmom again; now she is "hurt" and says she has things to talk to me about but she "needs time."

Sister 2 hasn't spoken to me in several years. Refuses to answer my texts, etc.

Sister 3 has also maintained some relationship, but recently is wanting to talk about all the ways I have hurt her (all with perspectives that are skewed by mom & enabler dad);  we have talked several times recently but it's pretty much a train wreck right now.

All that to say, I'm with you. I don't know if my mom ever intentionally triangulated us - she says that she's never wanted anything more than for us to be close as sisters/family - but me being the one who stepped out of the drama and got a healthy perspective and set some boundaries, resulted in distance from my sisters too, sadly. It's one of the biggest losses in my life.