BPDFamily.com

I have been living with my boyfriend for a couple years now, during that time (and before) his daughter, who is now 14, has had some mental issues. Most recently she was diagnosed with BPD after her latest stint in the hospital. The diagnosis makes so much sense to me. I have also had emotional struggles and take medications for depression and anxiety,  I worked very very hard to pull myself out of a suicidal hole. So, I find it hard to understand what she is feeling and what motivates her to the things she does. Why she can't see how she self-sabotages or understand that the whole family dynamic revolves around her. Why she won't help herself or accept the mountain of help she is given every single day. (therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, a very supportive father...)

As a "step-parent" (we aren't married, but I don't consider our 9 year relationship to be disposable) I find it really hard to love or even like her. I often feel resentful of the attention she requires and the situations she puts everyone in. From cancelling vacations to Her sister, her dad, myself. Currently my boyfriend has nearly full custody. This just happened recently so we've gone from having time without the kids to having them all the time. It hasn't been easy. I've also recently stopped commenting on anything related to the child with BPD, or trying to help. It's overwhelming and as a non-family member my position is a bit awkward.

Just looking for other's who may be in a similar situation and hear how they handle situations and the day to day irritation. I really do want to provide her with love and support - i'm just having a hard time lately.

 

Hi theliveingf, welcome. You are definitely in the right place for stepparent support -- when there's a PD dynamic in the family ,"normal" divorce/stepparenting groups don't always get it. It's next-level stuff so I'm glad you found us.

First of all,  :hug: for this:


Yes. You're not alone. Going through something similar right now, and it's very difficult to try to care for yourself when you're there, and then also try to stepparent the best you can. Really, really hard stuff. Support is critical so it's good you're here.

I'm also a stepmom; my husband and I have been married almost 9 years and together for >10. The kids are 16 & almost 14 now, so I get where you're coming from, it's the long haul.

While the kids don't have PD's per se, they often "import" conflict and toxicity from their mom's house (short story, she has strong BPD traits and remarried quickly to someone with strong NPD traits...yay...), and that creates its own type of stress, anxiety, and tension.

What you're going through is so relatable:


We had to mentally prepare ourselves to take an overseas trip -- that we'd planned to do with the kids for over a year -- without them, if their mom manipulated them into "not wanting to go". While it worked out, that dynamic is so, so familiar.


I am moving that direction, too. It's too stressful for me to try to "help" with scheduling makeup time. I hate feeling like we're losing time with the kids, but one message you'll hear here over and over is -- we can't help others unless we take care of ourselves first. Please believe me that I am saying this to you while struggling with self-care myself. It's hard, and feels selfish. It's a process.


Lots of stepmoms here so keep checking back in for more replies. Before we drill down into specific situations (it can be really helpful to "game out" some exact things that have happened or will probably happen), just want you to know that yes, things can get better. It may be hard, yet it is possible for things to be "less worse".

Hang in there and post back whenever works for you;

kells76

Thank you for your reply!
Are you the step-parent of BPD daughter?

Your situation sounds similar with a biological mother causing extra harm. The kids just spent February break with their mother and "step-daddy" (vomit) and they both had meltdowns the following day. The child that the mother treats like a princess hates living with us and can't stand her sister (her mother fills her mind with toxic conversation) and the other child with BPD refused to go to school or participate in her DBT therapy all while declaring she never wants to go back to her mom's house.

That puts their father (and our relationship) in a really bad spot. We have them full time for the school year and she gets to see them every other weekend. They will spend the summer with her and then we'll have them every other weekend. Mom moved 2.5 hours away 1.5 years ago

If we allow one child to stay with us, we never get a break. If we split the kids, their relationship will never be the same. If we keep one child and send the "favorite" child to her mother, then mom wins. But it's about what's best for the kids. And so I know the answer is to sacrifice our adult time together - but it'll destroy our relationship. We'll have to cancel 2 vacations we planned for times when they will be with their mother. And I'll lose my mind having a child with BPD around 24/7 365 days a year.

Her mom wants to send her to residential. It's really just an out for her because she is incapable of showing real love and acceptance. Pretty sure she has BPD herself, but the fact that she lavishes attention and kindness towards only one of her kids is mind boggling. I wish I could just replace that love and affection, but I cannot.

What to do...
one child is so miserable here, the other child is so miserable with mom...

What happened that led to her hospitalization?

It is overwhelming to have a BPD step daughter, and given the recent hospitalization and dx, this is probably an understatement for your current circumstances.

How are things at home following her diagnosis?