BPDFamily.com

It's me again...  :hi:

 :help:

I have a question that I really need an answer to... Hopefully, the Vets in the group will weigh in.

So I know that my spouse's capacity to love is disordered and I have in essence danced along with the dysfunction this entire relationship, even now knowing what I know, still conflicted about dancing one day and then disengaging, deserving more the next. All the advice tells me to look inward... When I do, the thoughts are dark and there isn't much light.

My question is... I can read BPD books, articles, podcast, workbooks, tools/workshops, make attempts at better communication, healthier boundaries all with the understanding that I am trying to help my partner & our marriage, done with extreme vigor. But when I pull that mirror up to my face... I don't seem to feel like I can put that much effort into helping and loving me. Why is that? And what can I do to change that? I am working with a therapist twice a week... It's just so much easier to dive into understanding BPD for hours on end than it is to consider what is it about me that I am beating myself up for not keeping together an unequal, emotionally draining, hair falling out, physical symptom producing & depleting, alternate reality marriage? I am even more upset that she is replacing our pups than I am that she is shutting me out of our life. I have done whatever was asked and anticipated most of what wasn't to help/love her but can't figure out how to put that amount of energy into myself, someone please tell me why?

While we're not professionals here in peer support, we have "been there, done that".  That said, ponder how you can step outside your immediate circumstances and look from the outside in.

An example of objective versus subjective contemplation is to imagine you know someone (not you!) who is stuck in breaking her dysfunctional patterns.  What would you advise her?  Nothing may come to mind right now, that's okay, but don't give up too quick.  Still try to come up with ideas.  Sometimes one answer isn't a solution, it may require a series or a variety or both.

One thing I recall often suggested is to be busy, preferably doing something you like... long hikes, a hobby you never made time for before, seeking out new acquaintances, volunteering for a community project, etc.

Also review what are called the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss and how they're impacting you.  Review articles 4.01 and 9.02 here in our Tools and Skills workshop:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0

I completely agree with ForeverDad.

I also think that recognizing that you're putting more effort into helping your spouse than you put into helping yourself is important and a good step. You mentioned you're working with a therapist. Have you brought this up to your therapist as a concern?

I just realized this when I went to visit my spouse last week. I came to visit, I was setting up outings, I was calling and texting, I was doing 100% of the work. It wasn't until I realized that I hadn't eaten the entire day because I was so focused on my spouse. I will see my therapist this Friday... I have a laundry list of things you all have been gracious enough to bring to my attention.

I'm not a professional in mental health, so I may be splitting hairs here where there's not that much difference... but my impression has been that, using our situations as an example, we or our children are reasonably normal but in difficult situations and we go to counseling whereas those disordered ones with significant personality disorders and internal issues go to therapists.

Just my impression over the years.  I won't rain on anyone's parade, so use whichever term you wish.

I honestly did not know the difference, ForeverDad. My mental health practitioner is a licensed social worker... So I use them interchangeably.

There is a Grand Canyon sized difference indeed and I think FD was quite succinct with his definition. Counselors typically won't have the tools necessary to help deal with major disorders.

Counselors and therapists have different education, training, etc. Counselors are more generalized. Therapists are more specialized.

Now, DM you have a lot of work to do on yourself, but you are more preoccupied with your spouse. you still put the whole world before YOU. That isn't healthy. Being selfless when necessary is commendable and noble. Being selfless all of the time is unhealthy though because it means you have weak boundaries and you struggle setting boundaries. People will take advantage of you only if you allow it and show them it is ok to do so. Want to see a difference in how you are treated? Put up a boundary and stick to it.

We can all help you here, but what I ask of you is to start thinking critically and asking yourself some tough questions and being brutally honest with yourself. The most important thing is to show yourself some self-love and kindness. You are not flawed. No, you just have areas of opportunity that have been neglected is all. So focus on those areas and work towards improving them.

Always remember Rome wasn't built in day. This is going to seem very different and unnatural to you at first, but if you stick to improving you will make progress one step at a time.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

You have a good heart and want the best. Most of us do. We're not therapists and never expected to be with a partner with BPD. Learning to love ourselves, and have decent self esteem, is just hard sometimes. Maybe people were cruel in our past. Maybe now. Regardless, don't beat yourself up. You're probably just a giving person. Be gentle with yourself.
PS I love dogs too; I love your screen name.

Do you have thoughts on why this might be?

A challenging childhood can make it hard to develop a strong sense of self, one that is expert at taking care of oneself without fear of reprisal.

It's not uncommon for many of us here to come from families where we were taught that love meant putting the needs of abusers ahead of our own.