BPDFamily.com

Thank you to all those who have read my story and commented. After visiting my spouse this past week, I have realized that she is really sick and that she WON'T get better because her reality won't allow her to believe she needs more than a self-help book, a new puppy, doing shadow work on her own, and a "divorce." I would not have been able to take a step back and really SEE her if it was not for your kind and sometimes stern words. Radical acceptance, meds, and

Something I'm still trying to understand...

Many of the vets on here post about pwBPD using expressive statements and not communicative/analytical statements, I don't understand the difference. A statement is a statement, it's used to communicate what you are trying to say. Can someone break this down for me, please?

Are you referring to emotional reasoning? For a pwBPD, emotions equal facts, which is obviously not true.

I'm not sure. I just know that the advice is to take what pwBPD say as if it's expressive statements instead of communicative/actual statements. For example, when my spouse tells me that she wants a divorce, I take it as, she wants a divorce, a factual statement. But others on here see it as an expressive statement, not factual of what she means. So I shouldn't give it weight.

This applies to so much more, "I hate you" "You're the worst spouse ever" "Nothing you do is right" "It's all your fault" "I'm leaving and never coming back" etc... When I look at or say these statements... I mean them. But when pwBPD say them, that's not what they mean, they could mean something entirely different? I am so confused on this.

I just think about it as an extreme version of stuff we all do sometimes. Generally, expressive statements don't have truth value. You stub your toe and say "ow." That's not true or false. It's just an expression of how you feel. But sometimes thimgs that appear to be statements of fact are really expressive statements. When my favorite teams plays badly and I say "I'm never watching them play again," that kind of looks like I'm saying something that can be true or false. But really it's just another way of me expressing that I'm mad about how they're playing. pwBPD tend to do this with all kinds of things. So my ex might scream that "this house is filthy." Seems like something that's either true or false (almost always was false, btw.) But what she was really doing was just expressing that she felt overwhelmed or out of control. And the advice in such situations is to focus on the emotion that is being expressed and not the purported statement. (if you can accurately figure out what is being expressed. That's not always an easy task.) Anyway, that's my understanding of the idea here.

Hi DogMom,

I have read your threads and know you don't want a divorce but your wife has stated several times that she does want one and has actually filed.

I think the error in trying to decide what they want vs what they say vs what they mean is that- trying to do this ventures into mind reading. We can't really know what someone else is thinking or feeling and trying to make some meaning out of things they say is fraught with possible errors.

Basing our actions mainly on what they say/want, would be like being out at sea in a ship riding large waves and letting the waves take you wherever they go. You don't know where they will go and you have no control.

Unless you decide to grab the wheel and steer your own ship.

You can't control the waves, just the ship.


If she wants a divorce, that is her responsibility to take action on. She can file, get a lawyer, proceed as usual.

What is your course to take?

First of all, ( and I am not a lawyer but this seems logical ) - if someone is truly threatening or files, then you need your own lawyer for advice. To be clear: consulting and securing a lawyer does not equal making moves to get a divorce. It's to protect your own interests and assets and be informed of what to do - should she proceed. This is self care.

This may reduce some of the anxiety of the unknown.