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Before seriously considering my wife having bpd I read articles about the effect of secrets in a romantic relationship and the articles often stated that anything that would make your partner upset is a bad secret to keep, the rest is fine as it is normal to not tell your partner everything.

I did not fully understand this advice because I can't imagine why I would keep a secret if it didn't upset her, but I made horrible decisions based on this idea - I started telling her every little betrayal I could think of to ease my conscience, thinking this was a key factor in our relationship struggles - I thought I was taking responsibility.

This is one year ago and it's been a rough year for the whole family.


What would the advice about honesty and keeping secrets sound like in a relationship with a borderline partner?

This is a struggle for me. It boils down to the fact that I want honesty so badly and yet so much of what I'm thinking and feeling I cannot share with my husband. It is a deep sadness and grief for me.

That is a really, really tough question and a really, really good one.

I think I'd say this. Once you get a handle on the precise way your wife processes information, and accept that new information will likely NOT help her to evolve and accept instead that "it is what it is and will not change" then you can evaluate on a case by case basis.

I would suggest that each time you consider "sharing" vs "not sharing" you start by asking yourself these two questions:

1) Am I sharing for her benefit or mine? (Put another way - In very concrete, here and now terms, of what benefit will it be for her to know "this"?

2) What are the costs of sharing vs what are the potential benefits of sharing - in the precise moment?

Hope this helps.

Rev

It’s difficult to accept, but a relationship with a pwBPD is not one of equals. It would be lovely if we could bare our souls to this person we’ve committed to and whom we love, but as you’ve experienced, often the information shared is weaponized.

At best, I think these relationships are ones of caretaking, since the emotionally healthy individual has greater executive control.

As Rev points out so eloquently, weighing the cost/benefit ratio of sharing is something you wouldn’t have to consider to this degree in an emotionally healthy relationship.

This sums up my core struggle.  I think I could handle most of the rest of it all.  I'm down for a lot of ups and downs and intensity.  But I just hit a wall at the thought of having more or less a third child - though one in a package that can cause me immense heartache and pain.  And who will possibly never mature one bit.

I've also been compulsively honest over the years, and it was also disastrous.  It's so big for me to be writing here and not sharing it. And this has allowed me more security in keeping more to myself in other ways.  That's all good.  But it still feels hollow with my wife.

I'm still open to working through this. I love her deeply, and I would be fine if, say, she was unable to walk, even if that limited my life severely.  But I would be equipped for that kind of flexibility, where I'm really not equipped for BPD flexibility, with my caretaking tendencies.

That's a really interesting and insightful moment of self-awareness. I wonder if it wouldn't be worth it to start an entirely new thread with this question about flexibility. I bet you a lot of people here would be able to learn and share from it.

I'd certainly wade in on that thread.

What do you think?

Rev

Great idea :)  I will, though I have another more pressing thread I'm going to do now, as I'm just off of 90 minutes of dysregulated emotional chaos.

Could another aspect related to this be codependency, feeling we have to share everything, not only secrets but most of our feelings and thoughts. Could learning not to be beneficial also on a personal level. Like accepting that I have own feelings and thoughts and that it isn't that important to share it every time.

Even in a *healthy relationship*, not that I have much experience with that  lol , I’ve heard it’s important to have personal privacy.

In a word ... most likely.

Rev

Your feelings and thoughts are your own. It is your decision to share if you want to. I believe anything related to you personally isn't something you have to share. If it is something that could affect the other or others than yes discuss it.

So as my brother in arms Rev said...most likely.

Always remember you are only responsible for your own thoughts and feelings...no one else's. Always value personal privacy because there is a constant war on personal privacy in this society. Full transparency has been taken out of context. There is plenty that quite frankly people just do not need to know because it isn't their business. This is where boundaries come in and where most people fail in spectacular fashion. When you create a boundary the only way it works is if you constantly reinforce it. Can't flip lop like a pancake or your boundary will not be respected and you will lose credibility.

Because of the wishy washy world we live in what I just typed here will seem foreign to most. However, I am all about health of the self...mind, body, and soul. And, more than anything focusing on independence over co-dependency.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you all for your replies.

Right now I'm not in a good place. I'm feeling guilty from engaging in discussions on this message board. If she found out...  :help:  This is such a huge betrayal. Still I continue which is a huge risk. How do you cope with this?

I have been at home on parental leave for two weeks now and I'm not so sure what to think of anything anymore. We've been getting along mostly but every few days there is a situation I have to try not to turn into a huge fight.

Since we have over 100,000 members worldwide, it’s unlikely she’d ever discover your posts, as long as you secure your devices and go incognito.

You have the right for privacy and you are trying to improve a very difficult marriage. How is asking for help and sharing your concerns a betrayal?

I'm not understanding why you would feel this is a betrayal. So to that end...perhaps you could help us understand why you feel that way. Your feelings are always valid, but us understand your perspective better so perhaps we can better assist you.

From how you are wording this it is almost like you are in a hostage situation or someone has complete control over you and you are not allowed to think and act for yourself...which that would be the very definition of unhealthy. Additionally, you are walking on egg shells and it appears you are just hoping and wishing things will smooth over, but yet you are continually preparing for the other shoe to drop so to speak. Right now from what I see is that this is very unhealthy for you emotionally and mentally because you are showing signs of being hypervigilant.

Please understand I am just trying to help you see what you are providing to us here. We want to help you. Ultimately though you have to want to help yourself. No matter how things turn out or which route you decide to take it is your own and I support it as long as you be happy and healthy.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

It's a betrayal because she would view it that way. I would encourage her to do something similar but that doesn't seem to be of interest to her.

My biggest issue is guilt, real or imagined. She talks a lot about gender, how a man should behave for example. She has a fairy tale view on romance and I'm not living up to it at all, but she sees potential in me  lol. She gave me a major beating tonight and she wants me to accept my role as a man and beg for forgiveness, sit by her side until she falls asleep, that kind of thing. The real man who can take a beating accepting that if he has hurt his woman, he deserves it. 

I think I can understand any weird logic in the world.

Hey there 15 years...

Can you say more about what you mean precisely about "a beating".  I am feeling a whole host of emotions in reading this. I applaud you desire to do right by your children and their family. And I am increasingly becoming concerned for the wellbeing of their father. If you were to be speaking to another man in your situation, and he read these words above to you out loud, and then said "15 years, please tell me how to fix this.", what might your answer be?

Just a thought.

Hang in there.

Stay safe.

Rev

Rev - I started another topic about this yesterday, maybe you can check that out and say what you think. Thank you for your support

Can you provide a link?

Does this work?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=352307.0