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Hey all. So it has been a week. I have noticed emotions, sat them out, slept a lot, no crying yet. Yesterday my dog (my hairy child lol) was bitten badly by another dog while we were out running. My dog is very timid and gentle, I choose him because he was bullied in his litter and the smallest. Dogs seem to pick on him and yesterday when he tried to run away from an aggressive dog, the dog took a bite of his leg.

It was very upsetting and I lost it. I started screaming at the owners and then started to cry and shake. Obviously in part it is just all the stress of everything I'm dealing with at the moment and my dog is very precious to me. The owner was lovely and has said she will pay vet bills (we are at the same vet). She was very apologetic. My dog had to be operated on to remove a bit of muscle and stitch the wound together.

I realised that normally I would have told my mother about it and she would have made me feel that some how the dog bite was my fault. My mother usually asks questions in a crisis that cause you to question yourself and feel bad e.g...did you not try to stop the other dog? Maybe you frightened the other dog? Will your dog be okay? What if your dog dies? What if the other lady doesn't pay, how will you afford it?

It was such a strange feeling to realise that I usually would have turned to her for support but come away feeling utterly bad and ashamed. I won't even tell my brother about the incident in case he tells her. When I recorded the conversation of my mother and her friend (when I left the room), one of the things my mother said was that my dog was nervous because of me.

Some times I feel so sad for my mother, I think about her being upset at the no contact and crying in pain but then I remember the trauma bond. That she would only abuse me again. I am no contact because I simply can't take anymore abuse. I feel sorry for her at times but I know she won't be feeling sorry for me, there is no empathy. Like the dog incident yesterday, she wouldn't think to comfort me for the frightening experience, she would be blame me for it happening.

My pup had a difficult night but I stayed up with him and he is better today. He sees the vet tomorrow and hopefully he will be on the mend.

Goldcrest,

First I am sorry to hear about the event with your dog. It must have been so frightening. When a dog lashes out like that, it gets very stressful really quick. And so, I completely understand the shaking and crying... Plus with everything you've been going through, I can completely relate to your attachment with your "nervous" dog.

I also chose myself a cat when I got by myself, and I also ended up choosing the smallest, sickest cat available. She was a scaredy cat, scared of everything but me. Somehow, it was very healing for me to gain her trust and she became my best friend, my familiar.

You don't make your dog nervous, you are probably as nervous as he is! Just saying that because I know I was just as scared as my cat was... I chose her for this very reason, I could relate to her state.

My mother also does that, questions in a way that will make me doubt myself. I used to believe she was just scared herself... And while it might be true, a parent's role is not to make her children feel scared and doubtful, but to provide a safe environment for growth, which they failed to do.

I hope the crying helped a little bit. The sleeping a lot makes me wonder if you are not freezing out your emotions? Reverting back to what you would do as a child. I do that as well when I am emotionnal, I dissociate and I want to watch tons of movies TV shows or sleep, all just to keep me from processing the pain.

Sending you lots of hugs, to you and your dog. :) 

Thank you Riv3rW0lf  :hug: Interesting what you say about disassociation, I think you might be right, I really haven't cried about my dad's death either. I cried in waves after dealing with the awful events at the hospital and then I can cry suddenly but quickly the tears shut down. I can't hold a solid memory of my dad relating to me in any meaningful way. She is always there. He was always distant from me because (he admitted once) he knew she was listening and would get jealous.

When I feel overwhelmed I sleep. I used to do this as a child, either get in to bed (when my mother was attacking my father) or make stories while staring out of the window. I'd talk to myself a lot too.

The thing I am struggling with, and I get it, is mothers day is coming. I have this convo in my head that I want to send my mother a card, because I know not doing so will be damning. So the NO CONTACT is already being eroded by fear and guilt. I am just observing the internal struggles. I want to send her a card but I don't want her to contact me. It is messed up. I am always worrying about her feelings and I notice how quickly my anger towards her disappears and my worry for her comes in. I am just sitting with it all. I see it for what it is but yes it is really hard.

First..I hope that your dog is doing better! I get it...I have a hairy child as well :)...it's painful to see them in pain. I think you're reaction was normal in this circumstance! Wishing him a speedy recovery.


This really stuck out to me! My Mom has always done this as well! I call it planting seeds of doubt and I've never known if it was intentional or just who she is, either way it was always very damaging to me. I really took notice of it about five or six years ago. My Mom was going through one of her "Your Dad is cheating on me" phases. Well, my Dad had invited my husband on a father/son fishing weekend with his friend and friends son a month or so prior. One day she called me up and told me that she believed that my Dad had cheated on her during that weekend. Then she proceeded to ask me if my husband had said anything about it! I said of course not...it was a fishing trip...they were at a lake! Then she started to ask me questions like: "Are you sure you can trust your husband?" "Are you sure he wouldn't cheat or cover up cheating..since him and your Dad are buddies?" The buddies comment made it clear that she was jealous that they were getting close and was making sure to put an end to that...and it worked! It was the first time that the planting seeds of doubt was totally obvious to me. Who says something like that to their daughter who is a young, married, insecure, stay at home mom of three VERY young children doing her best to get by each day? My mom! Thankfully she never had the power to fully erode my internal guidance, and I responded by going Low Contact. It didn't make me question my trust for my husband, who I've been with since I was 18(16 years together) It made me realize that I needed to question my trust for her even more then I already did. After that conversation I was even more guarded and realized, like you, that I couldn't go to her with anything because I would walk away feeling worse and also doubting myself. I started to process all of the conversations that she planted doubt, fear and shame in me and realized how much it contributed to my insecurities and how much I needed to protect myself.


I've questioned this as well. My Mom's birthday is next month and then the following month is Mother's Day. I still struggle with feeling like I have to do the "right" thing or be the "bigger" person and not hurt her. The thing I have come to understand is that I can never win because she has painted me black. She's going to be a "victim" regardless of what I do because she is determined to be one. If I don't send her a card she's a victim. If I do, then "I ONLY sent a card to hurt her since I'm still not speaking to her!" Ultimately I decided that Im not sending her cards. My reasoning for this is, like you said, I don't want her to contact me! I feel that sending a card is opening the door for contact and I personally do NOT want that. I feel like it will make things worse to send a card and then refuse a phone call or talk, it sends mixed signals about NC in my opinion. I'm sad about it too. It hurts to have to make these decisions, but I have to remind myself that Im making them to protect myself from abuse...not to be hurtful.
However, my decision is based on my own mother and her reactions. Sending your mother a card may have a different outcome...so I don't mean to sway your opinion...just offer my own reasoning so you can weigh your own options. I wish you all the best!  :heart:

I do that as well... I want to cry but my body just stops itself and it cuts all emotions at my throat. I am trying to open it up again, because the downside of this, is that we also don't get to experience all the happy feelings either... The only thing we are left with is irritability and for me, emptiness. I just feel empty.

One thing that worked for me, and the idea actually came from Im1109, was to listen to a singer I really loved as a kid... It opened up my throat and I cried so so much ... I hadn't cried like that in a very long time, actually I can't remember ever crying this much. In my car. Just ... Letting it all go and the music somehow forced it open... I can't tell you just how good it felt afterward.

My therapist was telling me that tears of joy and tears of pain do not have the same chemical properties... And it is important to let them out, because as the sad tears flow out of your body, they help you let go and free yourself.

We should feel. Is what he told me. I still have no idea how. Mindfulness maybe... Meditation instead of sleeping? Don't shut down Goldcrest... For the love of your body, allow yourself to feel hurt and I swear a relief will come after the pain.

I know though, it hurts so much .. the whole body. It hurts to cry, doesn't it? But afterward... What a relief.

I find it very hard to let go too.. it's instinct, I shut it down and I really have to focus on the knot at the base of my throat to cry and still... My body has a really hard time letting it go... Music truly is the only thing I found to really help so far. Maybe you will think of something else?

I think, for people like us, the tears won't just come, because we are too used to not feeling... And when they do, we can just cut them, without even realizing we are cutting them. We have to force them out somehow.

Hugs



I actually just want to resonate what Im1109 wrote down. No matter if you send it or not, both scenarios will have her painted as victim and you as persecutor, so might as well do what is best for your current health...

Mother's Day is a hard one. Even reading the cards, "to my most wonderful mother..." the things the cards say don't reflect my experience. I feel more comfortable sending flowers with a simple card "Happy Mother's Day" and nothing else because it feels more authentic than sending one of those cards.


Although I haven't been NC with her, I think she's almost NC with me. She does call me rarely, but I noticed I have been the one to initiate calls with her most of the time and when I have skipped that, she doesn't call. I don't know if she cares if I call her or not. She does call from time to time if she has a question, and to ask about the kids, but nothing else.

One result of me diminishing the drama with her is that- without the drama, there doesn't seem to be much else. I think the drama was the relationship. It's how she relates to other people and what we learned- and so when I didn't do that, the relationship became very empty. I think this is how it's always been. I don't think she cares if we are in contact much, because she really doesn't care, or she's angry at me and has so discarded me from her circle.

She seems to have plenty of people around her to meet her needs- which I am grateful for. I don't trust some of them. She seems to be sharing financial information with them, which she has refused to do with us. She alluded to this in a conversation and when I asked about it, she's evasive and won't tell me more. They aren't certified professionals or even trained to do this. She seems to be attracted to people who need money, and I think this gives her control. I don't know if they are trustworthy or not.

I just know that any attempts to help her with this have resulted in conflict, she lies and doesn't cooperate. She'd trust a total stranger before she'd trust her own children. So it is what it is and I prefer to not be in these impossible conflicts with her. If I am not willing to do that, she has no use for me. She brought up helping her with her finances when we last visited, and we tried- and realized it was an invitation to conflict with her. We were then included in a discussion about assisted living and that too, was just a mess. We have decided that these attempts are not effective and so won't be involved.

She does communicate with my children- they are grown now and have their own boundaries with her. But between us, there's not much connection. I understand your feelings that something isn't right. It's not "normal" to have no connection with the person we know as our "mothers". I think this kind of wish for bonding is instinctive. Infants cling to their mothers- our mothers are the link to a child's survival. It's not instinct to stay away from them.

lm1109 I could have written this about my mother!


My mum was always convinced my dad was having an affair, she would even take an argument close to divorce, from something small like if we were watching a film and a beautiful woman was on screen, out of nowhere she would become paranoid my father was lusting after her and then escalate. She would also try to sabotage any relationship I had, either by saying terrible things about me to my boyfriend (they would tell me) or she would try to convince me that they were up to no good and would leave me.



Thank you for the above, what you wrote really helped, and it helped to hear your own struggle. I have thought hard about this and still can't find peace. If I send a card, I help her to feel better on Mother's day. She won't tell anyone I have sent the card because she needs to maintain her victim status but secretly she will be pleased, because it will signal to her that I care (supply). I think though if I am honest the card is more about how I feel, by sending a card, I won't have to feel guilty. That is the messed up bit because I shouldn't feel guilty! She has abused me all my life. Even just two weeks ago she behaved in a way that was unforgivable. I have already gaslighted myself slightly, out of how awful it was...until I come here and think about it again.

I think I am afraid not to send a card. It really will signal to her that this is serious. I know I am serious but perhaps part of me is still struggling to let go. So this is all good thinking and part of the process.  :heart:

NotWendy


I can relate to all of the above. This is where we are with our mother and why things have become so intolerable since dad died. My brother and I are viewed as vultures, yet we have tried repeatedly to help her manage her money, the neighbour and "friends" are all the ones who seem to have ulterior motives. I know I am not needed, their are plenty people around her for supply and to meet her needs. I can only hope that she will lose interest in me but she has always been obsessed with a "perfect family" she has lots of dolls and dolls houses (yep!) and I think she has this infantile longing for a perfect happy family and my brother and I are a great source of shame - despite both being pretty successful. She can't bear that her children won't conform, won't play happy families, won't dress, speak, do as she desires.

The flip side is of course that no contact isn't just about her being okay with it. I know I have a void that needs filling and I know that will take a long time. What you say about the drama really struck me because I knew that no contact would be like giving up a drug of sorts. But I think I was finally finding the highs just as sickening as the lows. It is hard though but also, already I feel freer.

Riv3rW0lf Thank you  :heart: Good idea about the music. When dad was dying I was so distraught, driving back and forth to the hospital, a 400 mile round trip, I started listening to the radio. For a long time I couldn't listen to music, it was almost too painful if that makes sense. The journey up to see dad I listened to a national radio station, mostly upbeat stuff but a few tunes that really stuck with me. Whenever I hear them on the radio I can feel the emotions rising so I have downloaded them.

We were called vultures by BPD mom as well. I think she needs money now. She's been approached by some "nice man" developer who wants to buy her house and promises he'd let her live in it. As if anyone who buys property does that. She didn't agree when we told her that if he owned it, he could also evict her if he wanted to. It's a prime piece of property but it needs work. He could purchase it, renovate it, and sell it for much more. It's not likely he'd let her live in it if he could get a higher price for it.

So then, she talked to "some nice man at the bank" and took out a home equity loan. We discovered that by accident and were  concerned. If she needed income, we would have preferred a reverse mortgage, this way, she'd have no loans to pay off and could stay in the house but we didn't know about this and it's a done deal.

She replied angrily to us "why should you care if there's no house left behind" to which we replied " this isn't our concern. Our concern is that the bank could repossess the house while you still need it to live in" to which she didn't have much to say. We don't want the house- we want her to be able to have the house if she needs it. It's that "nice man at the bank" who probably got a nice commission for this home equity loan and the bank that wants her house- and now they own a good part of it.

So yes, we are frustrated but also realize now we have nothing to do with this.