BPDFamily.com

My relationship with my mother has never been great, but overall it was...fine. We went through phases. In middle/high school, I felt like I was her only friend. She vented to my about my dad, her lack of good friendships, my grandma, etc. It felt fine then, I am an regimented person often thinking in black and white, never fit in super well in public schools and felt pretty strongly about many things, so I vented a lot to her as well too. So I think I thought that it was a mutual relationship - we both supported each other. But, as continued into adulthood, she's spiraled downward. I'm 30 and she's almost 60. I now live across the country from her, married and stable. She, however, divorced my dad in 2014, moved to another state, started over, and for a while was doing well. BPD caught my attention a few years back, I started to read a book and wondered if maybe it afflicted my mother - but after mentioning to her and getting an angry response, I dropped it. She was doing fine anyways, independent with a job she liked, a town she enjoyed living in, with friends and a love interest. She seemed to be doing better than before her divorce. So, I dropped it and forgot about it.

But, since last year, she was fired from her job and her mental and physical health has decreased drastically. She has complained about physical illnesses for months, but doesn't follow through with her Dr. appts or prescriptions, from what I can tell. She is quite paranoid and seems to have delusional beliefs about other's intentions, and is very fearful of people who are "good" or "evil", and often thinks that she's the center of some nefarious plan. A few months back, I started to rethink the possibility of her having BPD. I read a book on the topic (Daniel Lobel's When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for Adult Children) and it was VERY eye opening. Since then, I've been talking more with my father and my 4 other siblings - my mom hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but it's very clear that her actions and symptoms line up spot on to someone with BPD.

It's been a helpful realization but an exhausting one as well. I've always thought that there was hope that eventually I'd get to have mother that would support me and actually care about me...rather than me having to parent her in every interaction we have. Realizing she has BPD has been incredibly freeing and also very weighty. A few of my siblings have chosen to distance themselves from my mom, which I understand. I am trying to figure out how to set boundaries so that I can stay mentally afloat, but I also want to help her (if she's willing to be helped). She's in a very bad spot right now, not taking care of herself physically, possibly ill (although she may be lying about some illness/physical afflictions to get attention), and has some very deep paranoia fear that is driving her day-to-day activities. She doesn't have a job and doesn't have a relationship with most of her family close by (some by her choice and some by other's choice). I have tried to offer help with finding her a new home (as she is very fearful of her current entire town - she thinks they're out to get her (literally thinks they're trying to kill her) since her political beliefs differ from most in that area), but she often questions my trustworthiness and doesn't share details often because she doubts my love and trustworthiness and she isn't willing to trust.

I am trying to figure out how to move forward, knowing now that she is and has been afflicted by this serious mental illness. I'm exhausted. The confusion on whether I should keep hope that she can get better or whether to cut her off completely hounds me. She calls me in spurts and she dominates 90% of the conversations with general nonsense (which is reality to her - people scheming against her and no one loves/supports her, including me sometimes)...it's exhausting. But, I'm worried for her. Occasionally, I think that maybe I can nudge her to consider a residential treatment program or to bring up the topic of BPD...but usually she ends the conversation before we actually get to talk about anything real. She is not living a healthy lifestyle and at this rate, she'll need more intense care than most at her age in a few years...which I think she wants. She wants me (and my 2 other sibs who are still talking to her) to run to her side and save her. I want her to be okay, but I need to be okay also...and I don't know how to accomplish both of those things. And to set boundaries and not let her walk all over me like she trained me to do throughout my childhood.

I'm in a processing stage, realizing that my childhood was not normal and my mother is quite ill...still trying to wrap my head around that. Trying to figure out what a relationship with her looks like. I'm confused yet hopeful and also exhausted.  If you're reading this far, thank you :) Looking forward to joining this community! I've been going to therapy for a while as well, but thought that having conversation and being open to advice from others in similar situations may be very helpful!

Hi graciek !

Just wanted to extend a heartful welcome to the forum.

Yes, when you said :  I am in a processing stage, realizing my childhood wasn't normal. Yes. I get it. Take. Your. Time. I came to his realization in November and while I instinctively knew it, opening Pandora's box is a lot to process. I lost myself, but it is a good thing because now I can start building again, which I sense is also what you are looking to do. Find and free yourself from the conditioning her illness caused onto you.

The thing is, realizing one's mother is borderline and feels entitled to being cared for by her children, as opposed to caring for her children... It comes with an eye opening that can be quite painful... I found this website to carry a lot of very helpful ressources, but also... Just writing it out and having others, who get it,  comment and share their stories and insights, is so very validating and helpful... Validation is by far what I missed the most in my life. I was a ghost, no one saw me, unless, like you, I accepted to become the therapist, the savior, the friend. But I could never be the little girl who just wanted to play and be loved. Does that ring a bell?

I feel your worries in your post, for your mother... But I also see you are aware of everything you need to process for your own health. I find that keeping high contact with my mother, personnally, erode my self esteem and it seems to hinder any progress I make, if only because part of me seems to always "fall for it". She has a way to appear sane from a distance, almost loving and then to hit me anytime I get too close... But then, some users here found ways to make contact work as well. It is a very personal choice, and one that I hope you will be able to make without guilt (toward her, or you).

Welcome to the fam, graciek! We're glad you're here!


Sometimes you can't get both. Sometimes you can find a balance of the two, but there are usually compromises to one goal or the other.

My BPD MIL also wants someone to run in and take care of things for her. Knowing how to care for her becomes more complicated by the day as she ages. She's indecisive, leaving other people to make decisions that she then criticizes. She is waify which instinctively makes others want to help. She refuses to use her muscles, which leaves her physically weak and in need of assistance. She was upset yesterday because her doctor "didn't have a nice bedside manner when he learned her ankle was still swollen because she wasn't following his instructions." My H struggles with boundaries and saying no to her. Physical distance from her (she lives 2 hrs away) is my only saving grace.

I want to commend your courage in taking an honest look at your life and the impact of your mom's behavior. Not everyone can do that.

What boundaries do you want to set? Helps to start small and be specific. We'd love to help you brainstorm!

 

Welcome to the forum.

I joined a few months ago and it has been such a relief just to get some validation.

You talking about how your mom is just waiting for you and your siblings to save her could not have resinated more with me... In fact, your whole story reminds me a lot of me and my mom. She is very impulsive and recently sold the house we all grew up in after she divorced my dad... She did this without having another place to live and she is spiraling. She literally has 1 week to move out and still has no place to go... I know that she is waiting for me to say "you can move in with me until you get on your feet" but this is an absolute no. Even if I weren't moving to a new state in a month, it would still be absolute chaos. But this is what BPD moms do, right? They get themselves in these situations and expect the people who are still on their side to "save them."

I connect with what you're saying so much. I too recently discovered that my mother was Borderline and that she essentially used me throughout my childhood for emotional support. You are so right... It is such a relief and yet such a burden at the same time. I didn't even mention BPD to my mom. I just suggested she seek mental health treatment. And while she admits that she needs it, she will never go. There is always some excuse. And since I am in the mental health field, she just assumes she can dump everything on me...

I am slowly learning to build up boundaries and you will too. Sometimes I slip up and let her in too much. She gets upset, we don't speak for a while, but then eventually she calls because she has burned most of her bridges and she knows I will always answer. I love her and I want to help her but you can't always help people who can't accept that they need help...

It's always going to be a process but you will get through it. This website has helped me so much in just a few months. You will build boundaries and makes mistakes. It's okay. You said it best... It's great that you want to take care of her but you also have to take care of yourself and your family. I'm sorry I rambled a bit. Thank you for sharing. Keep posting and good luck with the process.