BPDFamily.com

My husband of 11 years (together for 16) wants a divorce. This is the 2nd time, maybe  3rd (if I count a very stressful week a few years ago) that he has run from the marriage.
Some background: As a teen, he was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar though no medication or combination of medications has ever worked on him. In 2012, he went on a hedonistic binge—affairs, drinking, etc (a year or so after being married) and asked to end the marriage. I tried hard for 5 months to save the marriage and it didn’t work; I even left town for a month, which only gave him more freedom to pursue a ton of affairs at once. Eventually, I moved out of the US and went back to my home country. About a month or so after moving back, he wanted to work on the relationship. I agreed. In 2014, we moved to my home country because he was unhappy in his job. Almost immediately, he became unhappy living there and kept threatening to leave. In 2015, in a big blow out, he wanted a divorce again and almost left the country and changed his mind when the movers came to pack all his stuff and ship it back to the US. We saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed him as BPD with bipolar-like symptoms triggered from substance abuse. In 2916, we moved back to the US as the stress of my home country was too much for him. This also was done impulsively. Fast forward a few years. Rage and constant negative outlook on his life and work aside (he has changed jobs 4-5 times in 6 years) he has been a wonderful husband. But with the pandemic stress and a very tough boss, he was lashing out again and sought therapy. He was in dbt for months but never bought into it or did the homework diligently. He was then told to try meds again and tried lamictal for bipolar (no idea why the docs in the US are diagnosing him as a bipolar; he has not had manic depressive episodes except with substance abuse and he has been sober). Lamictal didn’t help either., in Dec 2021, after a few weeks of feeling disconnected from each other, and a heartfelt conversation on why, he told me he thought he wanted a divorce. He told me that I’m sexually not on the same wavelength as him. I told him my libido lies in my head—that his extreme rage, insults, criticism, name calling, etc has made it stressful with sex taking aback seat. ( I admit I have a lower libido but he masturbates every day to porn and sometimes as much as 3 times a day. I also have pelvic floor dysfunction. Sex has always been painful though I have very much enjoyed it and never denied him sex. For the last 1.5 years after several episodes where I tore down there, intercourse has been an issue though we have been intimate in other ways.) When I told him about how his treatment of me might be affecting my sex drive, it was like an epiphany for him. He told me he’d never change and the chemistry was gone and he didn’t think we could make it work. Two days later, upon the insistence of his mother and doctor not to be hasty, he decided to work on it. Two weeks later he wanted out again. A week after that, another heartfelt conversation later, he wanted to work on it. Except he never did work on it. I did: I tried to change things on my end, approached him sexually, fought less, etc. But a few weeks later, he told me his feelings were not back. I was in limbo and in a high-anxiety moment, said if he was pausing the divorce only to resume this song and dance in the future, that j would end it myself. He agreed. Since then he has stuck to his guns. But he wants to move at record speed. He wants to sell our house, which we only bought 6 months ago. I am trying to see if there is any way, with help from family, that I can keep it. While he has reluctantly agreed to give me a few weeks to figure that out, he implicitly pushes every day for me to move out to go live with my sister or cousin. When I left to be with my sister, telling him I never wanted to see him again, he cried like a baby and said he wanted to ask me back but wouldn’t as he knows he will do this again. I moved back home a week later because of the inconvenience and he has since pushed even harder for me to move out or to sell the house so he can afford rent elsewhere. He has cried for hurting me and feels guilty. He says I’m his best friend—he is closer to me than anyone in his life but he wants to that’s not what he wants in a marriage. He makes jokes about life after divorce sometimes, not realizing how cruel he is being, and at other times tells me he cannot imagine never seeing me again and will selfishly come find me even though I expressed that when this ends I want nothing to do with him. He insists he is not cheating on me but I think a lot of the porn he watches has him fantasizing about a life of hedonism. Sometimes he says he will find someone who is a better match, at other times he says he will be alone for the rest of his life as he doesn’t want to ruin someone else’s life like he did mine. He left for two weeks to go stay with his parents as seeing home is making him feel guilty. Less than a day of being with his parents and he tells me what a big mistake it was to go there as he is so much more stressed: he says his dad is constantly criticizing him. He wants to talk to me and share his life and hear about mine but is basically friend zoning me. He wants to move of the city, leave his job sooner than later, and then go find something else though he has no idea what or when. He doesn’t want our dogs either. I’m heartbroken. Do you think there is anything I can do to bring him back, and get him to therapy? Multiple therapists have told him he is dealing with some childhood trauma that needs to be addressed. I realize it’s no magic pill, but I wonder if it could be a start. Unlike other BPDs I read about often, he is very good at accepting his faults; he thinks I deserve better. I do too, but I would like that better to be with him. In the meantime, can I also buy time for the house? Any thoughts on how to set that boundary and not be pushed because of his impulsivity. Thank you for offering a listening ear (reading eye?) and your thoughts and guidance.

In reading your account, there’s a lot of description of what he wants, but very little about what you want.

If you imagine looking down the road five years, ten years, twenty years, what  would you like your future to look like?

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. A LOT resonates with my situation. Husband of 23 years diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. Has been abusing alcohol since he was 15. Length of his binges have sometimes gone on for 9 days. Oct2020, he started seeing another lady. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts at reconciling where he promised to terminate the affair, we are now separated. I think he is not handling it well (drinking again) but I am holding fast to my boundaries as my mental health is important. We have 18-year old twins I need to be strong for, as well.