BPDFamily.com

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  For many years before I ever heard of BPD, I also had this line in the sand in my head:  "I will not be her parent.  I want a partner."

We would have explicit discussions about how she was "disabled" and could never fulfill my needs or be normal.  I would love her if she was in a wheelchair, right?  I would not expect her to "run a marathon" if she was in a wheelchair, right?

And I have always argued that I am super flexible, that I don't need a cookie cutter marriage and all that.  But I always had that line - that at some point, I needed a partner. 

I was clearly hoping she would just get spontaneously better.  I now realize this is not going to happen.

And I'm so unsure about how to proceed.  She's emotionally abusive when she splits.  And she does not react well on any level to the boundaries that I set.  There is no just saying something bland, walking away and having her regulate on her own.

I read in some post recently that these relationships are more "on off" than a normal compromise. 

Can I live with on/off?  I don't know.  The "off" is awful to experience.  And I want my kids to be in a healthy home.  But I also see people here who seem to make this work - to just hold love in your heart, know they are in immense pain and ride it out.  You also get this feeling in a lot of the books - all the strategies for dealing with a person with BPD.

But is that a real marriage?  Is that one I want?  I realize this is my own decision.  The problem is that I realize I'm trauma bonded.  I also realize we have a lot of good things in common separate from that.  I just don't know if I can take the life altering meltdowns, even if they were reduced from weekly at this point to the old pattern of maybe monthly or even quarterly.

I hear you and am very much in the same position. It's painful in so many ways and one of the worst is the bad conscience and feeling like a liar for partly wanting out of the relationship.

I sometimes miss the times I looked up to her and thought that she knew the truths about life. We bonded over thinking "other people" didn't get it. I still think she somehow sees things other people don't want to see, but I'm not sure that's how life has to be.

You are in a very difficult place, first. Confronting the loneliness of not having a supportive partner. We all should be entitled to this, right?

Two suggestions, which may or may not be useful. You say she isn't reacting well to boundaries you set. First, there are techniques for setting boundaries that the books discuss. Things like validating first and then the importance of speaking with empathy, controlling your body language, and so forth. Are you using these?

Second is just trying to take baby steps. If you are setting a limit, make it something easy to comply with, that may have some chance of success. Several times on these forums I've compared a pwBPD to children. With young kids when you set some limit they may kick and scream at first, but in the end it can be reassuring to them, because it teaches them the world has some order and isn't just ruled by impulse and chaos. Sometimes this can apply with BPD.

I really relate. I've been in the same rickety boat for 30 years! I want what you want, an equal partner who recognizes my needs like I recognize hers. Comments to posts like this, echoed by our couples therapist, are usually along the lines of mitigation, making the best of a bad hand. Our T apparently thinks that the goal is for the best possible outcome, even if that is still leaves much to be desired. That may sound like a good therapeutic strategy, but a less miserable relationship might still be miserable. Are we being unreasonable to expect more?