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I've been doing a lot of reading and self reflection to come to peace with the breakup with my narcissist bpd partner. Not that I'm there yet. I realised how much I have inflicted the pain with my lack of boundaries, self-love and lack of healthy emotional communication. I realised that even in the sadness of reading posts and understanding he wasn't really there, he wasn't really who he showed, he didn't love me... He showed me what I had inside. He gave me what I needed in the moment, and I couldn't see he was giving me a look into who I am. So that's me, a beautiful person that is caring and empathic, but do need to learn to love myself first. I also couldn't give him the healthy love he deserved either as much as he couldn't. That's my first step: to take full responsibility.

Now here comes the fears I've been experiencing:
- Do I now have BPD or some personality problem? (just by exposure to a BPD 3 year partnership, and towards the last year I was having periodic angry fights with him where for me was hard to maintain control)
- Will I be able to discern people like him in the future?
- Will I be able to stand my ground with the next person that comes?
- Will I protect myself too much and be unable to let the next person in?

These are some of my questions, don't know if you have them too. What do you experience?

Love,
Celine

I've actually heard alot of people ask a therapist I listen to if they have bpd after a relationship with a bpd. She tells them no. They have what is called 'fleas'. Basically you have learned some of their behaviors but it can be changed. Some of the behaviors and angry responses can cause you to feel like the abusive one. She explains this is reactive abuse. I have learned a lot listening to her. She specializes in cluster b disorders. Mainly NPD and BPD. She does a YouTube show every Sunday and you can ask questions. She will answer them on her show and the questions she doesn't get to she will answer on another broadcast later in the week. If you are interested look up 'We need to talk with Kris Godinez' on YouTube. She's awesome!

Hi Celine, thank you for sharing. I'm less than two months out of a relationship with someone with BPD and OCD. I've had many of the same questions. The outcome of this relationship leaves me doubting my own capabilities in finding a healthy relationship (especially since it's not the first time). The one universal theme in the hours of reading and therapy I've done since the breakup is that we have to learn to love and respect ourselves first. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that, but I've found that focusing on activities and work that I love, making healthy choices, learning to enjoy time by myself, and cutting myself some slack, have all helped. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feeling slightly hopeful about the future. I feel like once we learn what it feels like to have respect for ourselves, the answers to your questions will come naturally. You will simply know what you want, what you need, what you deserve, and you will avoid people who don't give that to you, and also be able to give to another what they need and deserve. That's my hope at least! Good luck in your recovery.

 The emotional and mental toll from breaking up with these personalities is greater than the normal breakup. Time and effort ( focus on yourself) appear to be the only answer.

 Personally I have been getting better on daily basis but it is not easy and having bad feelings is normal.

I strait up asked my therapist if I had BPD because I too started to become unable to control my emotions. But I realized a lot of my issues were from reactive abuse. Being lied to, manipulated, blamed and then called the worst imaginable things, will eventually break anyone with an ounce of self respect. Being cheated on early in the relationship, ruined me a person and I became a hyper-vigilant control freak. Another reason I asked my T that.

But when I was broken up with, I lost it. Everything came crashing down. I had tried everything and stayed through the cheating and abuse, and THEY “couldn’t do this anymore”.
I lost it. That’s my own mistake to forgive myself of.

You will be able to discern people by their actions, but you can’t allow yourself rose colored lenses. You have to see red flags and immediately cut the chord. Otherwise, you will start the trauma bond process over.

You will be closed off, for a long time. That’s okay. There is nothing wrong with meeting new people and finding value in it just being conversation. I know it’s lonely, but it’s just as lonely and damaging to move on when you’re not ready. You’ll just mask all your pain.

What I’ve realized, my break up hurts because it’s the realization that I choose the wrong partners. I’m drawn to broken, impulsive, damaged people, because that’s what I am. I’ve been cheated on in almost all my relationships. And I stayed and tried to make it work. I can’t let go. I act irrationally when someone breaks up with me.


It sucks. It hurts every day. I miss them so much.

But this is what had to happen for me to realize my issues. This happened so that I can learn to be a better person. A better partner. And to find healthy love.

Maybe I never will. But honestly, being in my last relationship was absolutely destroying me. So being alone isn’t as bad as I thought.

I just have to break my trauma bond. And I will be free. Time is on my side.

You will see I typically say be kind to you and take care of yourself. There is good reason. The odds of you being left with projected feelings from the disordered partner are quite high. You asked your therapist if you had BPD...many who have had a relationship with one who may have bpd ask the question if they are the one with the problem. This is why those with mental disorders and more specifically those who may have bpd cause crazy making behavior.

So this is where I say please take it easy on yourself. How you are feeling, how you do feel is for the most part par for the course. Look at your grief through the prism of PTSD more so than anything else. It will make more sense that way because you suffered a trauma.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

this is really the crux of it.

personality traits are not contagious. we cannot "catch" disordered traits. you do not get bpd, or any other personality disorder, temporarily, or otherwise, as a result of being around someone.

the fact of the matter is, we were in a stressful environment. we were tested. and our reactions were what they were; they were how we reacted under stress.

if we cant own that, if we cant learn from that, then theres not a great deal of hope for a happier, healthier relationship the next time around.


if you are able to vulnerably explore how the relationship broke down (time appropriately), and what part you played in that break down, then you will go, fearlessly, into the next relationship. with a better "partner picker", and an even greater capacity to love.

having said that, grieve the relationship first. detach. everything else comes a lot more easily, and naturally, when one does that.