BPDFamily.com

In the beginning I truly thought my mom was a "queen" because she was attention seeking to me, but now I understand she is more waif than anything. the confusing thing is she has a strong front to protect from helplessness, but under the hood she is so so so afraid of everything.

I think this is a big discovery for myself. It would answer why she doesn't seem "as bad" as other types.

 Because instead of scheming to hurt me, her "hurting me" was  more a result of not being able to care for herself, not be able to change course, and continually ending up near full blown crisis.

This is a different tasting emotional injury. I have always wanted to keep mom safe, and she could not ever do that for me. My mom is not a witch type, which would explain the overall positive love feeling I have for her. 
Sometimes she would have jealousy over my ability to meet my needs.
I felt exhausted. I felt she could lose it on me at any moment if I didn't meet a need, but then have amnesia that i helped her and FOG me into something else. (this was what happened 3 years ago)

OH MOM...you complicated human.

Anyway I am going to paste the resource. . May it help someone else too :)


Ps. If you don't know my story.. I am NC 3 years. Thinking of mom a lot lately probably bc i keep visiting this website. LOL. 

Hugs to you all.
Keep going  :hug:


The Waif

Typical Thoughts

"I am a worthless victim.  I do so want to be loved and protected, but I am not worthy of it."  Philosophy: The glass is not only half-empty, but is about to spill all over the floor I just washed.

Typical Feelings

Helpless, hopeless, and despair. Rage can be masked by sadness and depression, but released by rejection or abandonment. Waifs distort their own errors or disappointments, leading to more shame. They feel vulnerable, defective, anxious, moody, and irrationally fearful.

Typical Actions and Central Dilemma

They look to others to "save them," but ultimately refuse assistance because helplessness makes them feel safe. Ironically, if they mistrust everyone and let no one get close, they stay in control and no one can abandon or disappoint them. Waifs may hurt themselves to express shame, but they are capable of raging if they feel rejected or abandoned. They don't ask for what they need, then appear Martyr-like because others can't read their minds and give it to them. Waifs may have crying spells and be unable to give nurturing to others.

Typical Thoughts, Emotions, and Actions of Family Members

    "The greater the sacrifice, the more I show I love her."
    "She desperately needs help, so I must save her, no matter what."
    "My needs are not as important as hers."
    "If I learn enough about BPD, I can heal her."
    "I like being needed, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the BP's neediness."
    "I get confused and frustrated when she rejects my help."
    "Her behavior isn't all that abnormal. I can manage it and so can the kids."
    "I feel abused, and my self-esteem wasn't all that high to begin with."
    "I try to help, but she turns it down again and again."
    "If a method for coping with this doesn't work, I plan to keep trying. It will eventually succeed."
    "I am unable to protect my children or myself from this behavior."

 The Effects of the Waif's Behavior on Children

    They feel angry, afraid and alone.
    Children may feel like failures for not making the BP happy, or they may keep trying and trying until the mother's death. This enmeshment (inability to separate) may hinder grown child's relationships, which may be fraught with dependency.
    The child may become cynical, angry, and feel manipulated or turn into overresponsible nursemaids seeking elusive approval.
    The message to children is that life is something to be endured until you die.
    The BP shelters children to such an extent they find autonomy disconcerting.

https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/borderline-mother-types

I'm so sorry you had to grow up with this lmatter33.

Waif expression of BPD can be so very very confusing and equally hurtful in a way that makes it challenging to get validation for the pain and suffering you experience. Waif traits seem more be covertly aggressive which makes them more shadowy and therefore harder to meet head-on.


This is my BPD family member to a T.

The assistance is at first embraced because it is attention and then it is rejected because it is perceived as controlling and/or a judgment that she is considered weak or useless.

My BPD family member also cycles to queen depending on the relationship. She was not fully in waif mode with her exBF, who was thoroughly puzzled by her demeanor when she was among family members.

Wow! That hit home! I've been listening to a song that I loved during my childhood and interestingly part of the chorus is "You're a slave to money, then you die"

I remember how it hit me as a kid and I remember wondering if life would be as miserable for me as it was/is for my parents. Thankfully...it's not! But the "endure it until you die" is very fitting for them. My brother and I were never taught that there was purpose in life...just survival. Sadly, that's all my parents knew/know.

Thanks for sharing!

I went on the website to try and figure out which type my mom is...It's like she has been one or the other of those figures depending on how old I was.

Witch as a young kid with a bit of waif
Waif as a teen
And now that I have children, she is definitely a queen.

Thanks all for your responses.  The space for processing and compassion is so appreciated:)

It’s interesting that the cycling through types may be common. Ive never thought how “ the type” may  change as a person cycles through stages of life. Or change as children grow and become aware.  Survival mechanism traits I suppose.   

At this point I’m sure we all (here) know that BPD is not one size fits all.

Yeah, I think categorizing mostly helps to acknowledge and validate our truth... It helps to read something that resonates inside, to put words on feelings we couldn't quite describe ourselves and render all of it conscious... and of course to find strategies to better cope... I would imagine one cannot deal with a (mostly) waif like one would with a  (mostly) queen?

But in the end, they are who they are.. complex human beings, just like us.

I agree with both of your statements.  Nicely stated.