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Hi! I've been with my partner a year and we live together. I'm usually very careful with this kind of situation eg it took me three years to move in with my previous partner, but with my current partner everything felt so right etc. Anyway when we argue the hurtful things he says are unforgivable. Over the last year I've always excused it/forgiven it quite easily whereas now it's completely grinding me down, and I feel like the things said are getting progressively worse. Has anybody found any particularly good coping mechanisms/responses when in this situation? I'm feeling resentful now instead of sympathetic and wanting to support him. Thanks for any advice- I only found this forum today so it's much appreciated :-)

The easy answer, which can be exceedingly difficult to do is to not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). As you’ve probably noticed, these arguments become circular, and seldom result in an effective outcome.

Best to listen, up to a point, then excuse yourself to do something else, and make a commitment to return to the conversation later, giving a specified time. That way he will have a chance to calm down and perhaps be more rational and empathetic. But maybe not. In that case, best not to participate further and give a response like, “I’m going to have to think over what you’ve said.”

Ideally this will prevent the conversation from degrading into toxic insults. Not a perfect solution, but you don’t need to hear wounding words, as they further undermine your feelings for him.

Hi cautious, and welcome. Glad you found the forum. I have had much success improving my relationship with my wife from what I’ve learnt on here and some bpd books I’ve read.
Not JADEing seemed complex to me so I think I have improved such situations by engaging less with my wife when she is worked up: not arguing = saying much less. This was initially because I was trying to remember tools I had learnt on here and what I’m supposed to say, but I think it helped because it stopped me making things worse. I had been working lots on my own self-confidence, and self-respect, believing I have a right to be me and have my own thoughts and choices, but with a calm acceptance that my wife will never “get” me as I once may have hoped. Amazingly she doesn’t say cruel things nearly as often, but when she does I have learnt to walk away and I tell her, “I don’t wish to be spoken to like this, I’m going to do x”. Of course what she wants is attention, so this has also worked to get her to treat me better. Good luck, there is so much to learn from the amazing team here.

Hi again, I just saw a funny quote, which reminded me of your post:
“Just because I agree with you, doesn’t mean you’re right, I just want you to shut up…”
I don’t exactly “agree” with my wife when I disagree with her. But with bpd, validating their feelings about something seems to have the same effect in calming them down, something as simple as saying, “I understand you feel I ignored you this evening, and that’s upsetting for you.” It certainly helps to give you some of the power back; you know that you haven’t agreed to something you disagree with, but you also haven’t got into these ongoing circular arguments Cat mentioned. To use this example, you would never be able to prove you didn’t ignore someone. If they felt ignored (or at this later time are thinking they felt ignored), then there is no point in arguing otherwise. This makes you much more in control and at the same time, hopefully they will “shut up”.