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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Silverdash on March 30, 2022, 05:00:06 AM



Title: Is he punishing me for accidentally triggering his jealousy?
Post by: Silverdash on March 30, 2022, 05:00:06 AM
TLDR: Please advise me. Ex pwbpd is giving me the silent treatment. We are meant to meet soon. i dont know how to respond to this treatment if i am to keep my boundaries, respect and eventually reverse the breakup.

Ex pwbpd is in treatment. He ended our fwb relationship and wanted to stay friends. Now he is in a exclusive relationship with one of his other fwb. I suspect he uses our friendship to make things stable with his gf or to keep her on her toes with him and making effort. I would like more than friends but I am happy to have friendship until he wants more. I respect our boundaries. I would not allow him to cheat on his gf with me.

Normally we text nearly every day since he ended our intimate relationship. I was very busy in work so there was 2 days I didn't text him, But there weren't any unanswered texts or messages left unread. He text to ask how I was. I told him about being busy and we had a little chat via text. I told him how positive things are for me and some plans I have.
He read these and did not reply for many many hours, this is not normal behavior for him. Then he replied he hopes it continues and that he is jealous. I replied with a joke to cheer him up and asked a him question. I even spelled out it was a joke cos some times he can misinterpret humor. Then nothing. Silence. He was online and active on his phone. He didnt open the messages. He logged in several times since then. After many hours he read the messages and still no reply. Normally he never leaves a question unanswered. He knows that silent treatment is triggering for me. I cant help but feel he is doing this because he feels jealous that things are good in my life.

I have chosen not to react or question him via text on this. I am aware it could be twisted as me being needy or him being busy...even though I can see he has been online many times since he read my messages. I am meant to be seeing him in a few days to collect an item. I'm trying to think what way to proceed?

1: Say nothing, text on the day to say when I will arrive.
2: Text and ask if he wants me to see him or not.
3: Call out the silent treatment and remind him it is a trigger for me.
4: Ask if he wants to be friends or not.
5: Send him a PO Box number to forward my item to and cut my losses.
6: Say nothing. No texting. Don't visit as planned. Wait until he re-engages.

I realize I am being triggered by the ST and afraid I may react too emotionaly to this so I havent done any thing yet ...  What is the best way to proceed if I want to eventually re-start this relationship? Thank you in advance wise ones! I have found this website a great resource. I have also worked through the members workshops and lessons. I have a concern that he maybe using me to practice his DBT skills, I am anxious that he will be practicing the ending relationship skill on me next :(




Title: Re: Is he punishing me for accidentally triggering his jealousy?
Post by: kells76 on March 30, 2022, 09:49:53 AM
My first thought is that when interacting with pwBPD in a case like this, it can sometimes go better to move forward "as if" their dysregulation isn't happening.

Unpacking that a bit with an example:

Last year we were set to take an international trip with the kids. We'd let the kids' mom (uBPD) know about it a year in advance. She was there 6 months in advance to help get passports. She has our phone #'s, email addresses, and we all know where everyone lives. All that to say -- nothing about this plan was a surprise and there were multiple well used familiar ways to communicate.

A few weeks before the trip, the kids told us: "Mom doesn't think it's a good idea". We heard this from the kids, not through an email/text/call/statement from their mom to us.

DH was getting pretty wound up and wanted to engage with that (i.e., JADE, convince her to change her mind, etc etc). We ended up moving forward with our plans "as if" we hadn't heard that stuff from the kids. She is an adult -- if she thinks it isn't safe for the kids, she has multiple ways to tell us, and plenty of time to do so.

Engaging with the implied communication (notice that yours is the same -- nothing is explicit, there are a lot of "maybe it means this, maybe it means that" questions, it's pretty nebulous what "not replying" may or may not meant) gives it a weight and reality it oughtn't have. It also means that instead of you being the stable emotional leader in the relationship, you are "hitching your cart" to the pwBPD's "out of control horse". Their out of control emotions are what's guiding the interaction if we engage with these nebulous statements or silences.

Instead, consider moving forward with stability and commitment to the plan (your option 1). 

Giving the pwBPD an open-ended choice rarely ends well (2). You will again be left hanging, with them "leading" the relationship with their instability.

Pointing out dysfunction doesn't typically end well, either (3). If "all it took" to "make" a pwBPD function normally was shining a light on their behavior, then none of us would be here, and the BPD conundrum would be solved  *) Instead, that may lead to defensiveness, a "wall" being built, and them "doubling down" on it not being their fault -- not productive for moving forward.

Same with (4). Move forward with actions based on your values and wants, instead of giving that choice away and "hanging" on the possible answer.

(5) -- depends on what you truly want. I hear you saying you want to reverse the breakup and re-start the relationship. You can think about the options on your list and decide which ones are coherent with your values and desires. It's important just in general in life to have coherence and integrity between what we say we want and what we do. When there's disconnect, we get red flags in our life (resentment, feeling out of control, frustration, many other signs to ourselves).

(6) again, depends on what you want, who you want to be, and what course of action you can commit to.

Overall, it's good that you can hold back from emotional reacting, and give yourself time to list out some options for how you want to move forward. Responding from thought versus reacting from emotion is a wise way to go. Moreover, choosing to act based on your own values, in coherence with what you tell yourself you want, "takes back the power" in your relationship, instead of "giving it away" to someone who experiences unstable emotional extremes.

Keep thinking about what it would be like to "be the calm, stable horse pulling the cart" instead of "hitching your cart to the unpredictable horse". Model the managed emotions, flexible thinking, and reasonable responses that can stabilize interactions with pwBPD.

Interested to hear how it goes...


Title: Re: Is he punishing me for accidentally triggering his jealousy?
Post by: Silverdash on March 30, 2022, 12:02:22 PM
Thank you @kells76 your insight has helped me to sit with things. This is the most effort I EVER made in any relationship! Cos he is in treatment I thought we would manage to swerve or work our way through interpersonal issues. The sudden end and change of direction in the relationship has left a deep mark on my heart and mind. Longer relationships with ubpd people must cause devastation at the end.

Stable option 1 seems to be the wiser action. I will not message him until I am going to see him. If I do go I am curious to see his behavior face to face. Will he mask with...
- vulnerability
- over the top happiness and praise for his current lover
- detached coolness
- keeping physically far far away from me
- trying to be physically close to me.

The last time we met he did all of the above. I will bite my tongue to not pointing out he is repeating his previous relationship pattern of masking in a relationship so he can stabilize dysregulation.

I can only imagine the destabilizing effect untreated BPD has on relationships.

I also wonder why he is so keen to keep me as a friend? Does he want me as an orbiter? Im good at reflecting what he says, validating, empathizing etc. I think I maybe meeting some of the needs his relationship with his girlfriend lacks. I feel melted at times with the efforts I made and am making to maintain connection  :( He told me and continues to tell me (before the ST) how I am the higher value choice compared to his current girlfriend...this confuses me more


Title: Re: Is he punishing me for accidentally triggering his jealousy?
Post by: Mack1 on March 30, 2022, 09:59:32 PM
Hi there.
I’m sorry you’re going through all this but I hope you find the strength to distance yourself as it will only cause more confusion and heartache.
I’m going through a separation just now and hearing the same crap about ‘being friends’ and still validating her feelings about how I was all to blame.
But you know what, I will not mention any faults she has, they be denied anyway, as I won’t give any indication of what she has to fix going forward.
The more she thinks she’s perfect, the harder the crash will be as the minute the finances are secure I can’t wait to tell her never to contact me again unless it’s regarding our dog.
I know she will still want the emotional connection as she’s leaned on me for 20 years and still is, so as soon as I can I’ll be going NC and letting her know she can have her needs met elsewhere.
To me this is a emotional boxing match and they don’t play by the rules. So we shouldn’t either.