BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am 33, married, with a 4 month old daughter. I grew up in a household where at least one of my parents has BPD; they have never been treated. Most recently my parents retired and my mother came to visit. I have been in therapy for the past 6 months with a counselor who has been treating me for PTSD. During the course of my mother’s visit I became more withdrawn, irritable and stopped sleeping regularly. My mother would constantly be seeking attention, wounded when it was not provided, needlessly shift the focus of conversation to her and in general invade my personal space. Finally, I confronted her about it and made it clear that a relationship was to be on my terms. She called me “mean, nasty” said “you don’t talk to your mother this way.” She since tried to guilt me into more time with my daughter since she was able to visit my nieces. I am drawing a line in the sand at this point stating she is welcome to visit but only if she accepts boundaries. My father is pissed, I expect my brother will be as well. I’m not sure I am doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing for yourself, and your daughter as well. What you are experiencing is being treated badly by your mother because you are setting healthy boundaries with her. She is pushing back wanting to be able to continue to mistreat you.

Welcome to the forum!

I opened my eyes to my mother's illness when I had my first born. Like you, I was feeling deeply uneasy in her presence, as if she wanted to steal my baby, steal my life.

I have been working on validating my own vision of my life, my past, since then. And boy... Self care was long overdue.

Follow your guts. Your parental instinct. As the parent in you awake and come to life, it will help in your healing, in opening your eyes on your own past. Validate yourself. Recognize your resilience and your strength and trust in yourself.

If you do not feel comfortable in your mother's presence, it is on her, not on you.

My own mother tried to triangulate my six months old against me when I visited, if you can imagine. And again, when she hit three years old.

She triangulated my nephew against his mother and my nephew against his sister. She creates wedges between people ( my brothers and me, my brothers, my father and me) and if I let her, she will try to triangulate my daughter and my son against me. I know it deep down.

Its hard. They use guilt and shame us into compliance. Stay true to yourself, stay true to your instincts.

It’s unfortunate and sad, but by setting these boundaries you are valuing yourself and your daughter. Focus on yourself, yours and your families needs.