BPDFamily.com

My world had been turned upside down. I met my wife in March 2012. We had a great relationship. She has always been a very sensitive and emotional woman, but NEVER toxic, unfair or shown serious signs of bpd. We are both Christians and are very much involved in our church and loving small group. Married in October 2016. Had a great marriage until our son was born in 2019. Then COVID hit. Then bpd symptoms slowly began to overtake her. We grew apart during COVID lockdown, struggling with caring for our child and each other. 

In August of 2021, I caught her texting a man she met on a girls weekend trip. Based on what I read, no physical intimacy  occurred, but she told the man how unhappy she was and that she doesn't feel loved or cared for. This hurt met deeply and I worked my butt off to make her feel loved. We started counseling together and separately. But things slowly got worse.

Throughout the fall of 2021, she began going out to bars, partying with a girlfriend and a reckless group of friends who she had met through her toxic older brother, leaving me at home with our son. She was lying about her whereabouts, staying out later than she had planned on, non-communicative, very "checked-out." "This is NOT the woman I know! What is going on?," I kept asking myself. In December 2021, she told me, "I don't know what I want anymore, I need space." She became extremely hateful and inattentive and I could not figure out what I had done to her. So we did sort of an "in-home separation."

In January 2022 I found a box of condoms in our closet that didn't belong to me. She spent a week or two denying that they were hers, blaming me for being a terrible husband, gaslighting, etc. I then found a charge on our credit for planned parenthood for $450 and a refund of $150. When I called the clinic and asked what the cost of an abortion is, guess what...$450

Her mother gave me access to their phone records, as she is still on her family's plan. I discovered ongoing text messages (Can only see incoming and outgoing data, not content of messages) from two different numbers that I didn't recognize. One conversation beginning in Sept. 2021, one beginning Nov. 2021 and they persisted until the day I called her out.

I looked up the phone numbers, found who the numbers belong to and their social media profiles. They were two men around our age. Then I called her out. She finally confessed she had been unfaithful, became pregnant and didn't know if it was mine or another guy's. So she went for an abortion, paid for it, changed her mind, and they refunded her.

In the coming weeks, I tried to give her an opportunity to fix her mistakes, to own them and to make changes. She didn't. She continued to go out partying, being defensive, blame shifting, gaslighting, etc. She eventually got to a place where she was apologetic, yet didn't show remorse.

Her rage was so unbearable and the conflict so high, that we decided to separate. about a month ago, I moved into an apartment about 15 minutes away and we are splitting time with our son. In my emotional state, I hired an attorney and began to file for divorce, hoping she would see the devastating impact she has had on us. She easily went along with my idea. Our pastors have been regularly meeting with us, offering some counseling. They encouraged us to slow down the divorce process and make a decision when we are more clear headed, so we agreed and pause all divorce proceedings.

Since the separation, she has since been seemingly repentant. She stopped going out and hanging with the toxic friend group. She's been regularly attending church, small group and seeing a therapist who unfortunately is two states away, on zoom, but only once a month. I don't have access to phone records any more, but I truly believe she has stopped communicating with the other men, though I don't know for sure.

We no longer have any conflict. She is being very cordial, patient and we text, call each other almost daily. Mostly communicating about our son. However, she is still not showing much sign of remorse, definitely not trying to "win" me back. Sometimes she can be expressive, sending pictures of our son, pictures of he and I together. But she's mostly very direct, matter of fact and business-like. I have been very emotional. Hurtful at times. I have gone through the grief process and my anger was making things worse throughout February. I was definitely pushing her away and didn't want to reconcile. I was done. Since separation I've had time to process, I've realized I DO want to reconcile...to the woman I married. But NOT to this version of her that seemingly came out of nowhere.

I feel like the woman I married is gone and will never come back. The sweet, emotional loyal, caring woman that I knew her to be up until 7 months ago is nowhere in sight. She's been replaced with a manipulative, heartless, emotionless woman that shows no signs of caring for me whatsoever. I feel discarded. I feel worthless.

I own my mistakes from our marriage. Over the years I often times was checked out myself. Dealing with a hidden drinking problem that even she didn't know about, because it didn't directly affect my personality and I hid it so well. I am almost 90 days sober now and making huge strides in my personal and professional life despite the pain I am in. 

She has not been formally diagnosed by a licensed psychiatrist, although her therapist is confident she has bpd. And everything I've read on the matter, she certainly does.

My questions are:

What is going through her heart and mind right now?

Will she ever be restored back to the woman I knew her to be? (She is open to getting more intensive help, she knows she has bpd)

Will she ever feel or recognize the impact of what she has done?

Will she ever feel remorse?

Will she ever try to mend our relationship?

Ultimately, she has to make the progress, she has to make the changes, but is there anything I could be doing or should be doing to enhance the chances of her changing and coming back to the marriage?

Is this all just a lost cause?

To answer your questions, it’s impossible to know what is going on in her heart and mind without asking her, and even if you do, you may not get a truthful response.

She is a different person than the one you originally met, in that she is now a mother and has had the experience she’s had in the last few years. So, no, she won’t be “restored” to the original. However, it is possible that she might become someone with whom you are compatible in the future.

She might never understand how devastating her behavior was to you. People with BPD tend to have a compassion deficit. She might feel shame and embarrassment, but that is different than comprehending how you’ve felt.

It’s possible that she may want to return to the marriage. Or it’s equally possible that she might feel shame and self loathing about how she behaved and that the marriage is a casualty of that, in that it would remind her constantly about her infidelity.

Yes, it’s up to her to make amends, confront whatever led her astray, and make a commitment to be an honorable partner. Will she do that? Time will tell.

What you can do in the meantime is take a look at the Tools at the top of this page, check out recommended books on this site, keep reading others’ accounts, and post more of your story.

Thanks so much for the encouragement and support!