BPDFamily.com

I have made a previous post talking a little bit more about this relationship, although I got out of a 2 year long relationship with someone who was diagnosed with BPD. It officially ended about 2 months ago, but we have mostly remained in contact until a bit recently(something I talked more about in prev. post) Tonight I'm really struggling with just how quickly they fell out of love with me and how seemingly perfect things were. I don't know why I find it so difficult because, especially for the past 6 or so months leading up to the end, things had just been getting progressively worse. Although they eventually just told me they had absolutely no more feelings for me and had no desire to try and work or repair things, that they just simply fell out of love and that it had nothing to do with me. It just seems like all of the amazing moments we had shared together over the time just don't hold any meaning to them anymore. Within a week of our relationship ending they were already with someone else. I have no desires to rekindle the relationship anymore. Although I still find it so depressing that my mind seems to focus in on the most positive moments, it makes it more difficult to move on I feel. It's just so hard to deal with the fact that after everything I did and no matter how much I was there or how hard I tried it didn't matter. I'm the only one who is mourning the loss of what seemed to be such a special connection, and somebody I thought to be a really special person. They just left.

this is the crux of it, really.

the person on the receiving end of a breakup, almost always, feels blindsided by it. the person initiating the breakup, typically, has by and large (though not necessarily completely) grieved and mourned the loss.

its two different trajectories that both parties are on, and that can be hard to reconcile.

what can complicate things is that when the person you loved has bpd traits, there is usually an element to it where we feel "special". people with bpd traits love hard and intensely. they are quick to commit, and quick to push for commitment. they say a lot of especially loving things.

and then, when someone seemingly moves on so quickly, it can feel as though theyre saying the opposite: that you werent so special. that, too, can be hard to reconcile. it may even feel as though there is something wrong with you for continuing to grieve.

for some perspective on this, while the relationship was special to you, you very likely will not hold it, or her, in the same regard forever. as you detach, it, and she, will lose some significance. my own relationship was my first adult relationship, and, by far, my longest, to this day. it is significant in that regard; there were many firsts, many memories. at the same time, it was over ten years ago, and the feelings i hold around it today are really no different than any other relationship. i dont feel the same way about her that i did during the relationship, or immediately after it. she was special, but she wasnt that special. she is one person in a long line of people that have been, and will be special to me. the same will happen to you. part of what you are feeling right now, and will ultimately detach from, is not necessarily the loss of a special person; it is, in part, the loss of feeling special.

having said that, honor your grief and try to avoid comparing your own process to hers. you are two different people that were, and are, on different trajectories, and processing things differently. it is by honestly and authentically acknowledging our feelings, and fully grieving our loss that we, ultimately, detach.