BPDFamily.com

Received a card in the mail from my MIL this past week - who of course has her annoying MIL quirks but is a mainly healthy individual. It was just a general thinking of you card, as H & I are going through some life transitions... but it was soo sweet and encouraging. "We are proud of you both, you do great work and are an encouragement to many people, we are here for you and support your decisions" etc.

I nearly cried when I read the card, at her kind words and at the stark contrast between this and the words I receive from my uBPD mom and my whole FOO (the enablers). They are words like "you are so self-righteous, people don't really care about the work you do," etc. It was such a profound moment for me. As I've tried to start letting my mom's words roll off and not affect me as much, this card from MIL was a reminder of how much my FOO's words really do hurt...and how grateful I am for my sweet in-laws!

I watched this dynamic with my mother. Her stepmother raised her from the age of six and was uBPD/NPD -- much damage was done to my mom. When she married my dad, her MIL was a complete contrast and became the loving, supportive mother that my mom needed.

Find love where it is offered.

This is a sweet gesture!

I moved back in my home province in January and now live 3 minutes away by car from my parents-in-law.

At the start of it, I was very stressed... For me : parents = bad, hurt, pain, control. And so, I was very defensive with them, and thinking back on it, I think most of the issues I faced with them came from them feeling my defensiveness and not understanding it. They wanted to be grandparents to their grandkids and were getting a vibe from me that said : "back off you are dangerous".

At some point, I opened up to my mother in law about my mother's condition. I felt I had to, because I was about to go low contact to no contact, and I knew they had my mother on their Facebook, and she comments on their status and such... And I felt they should know, in case she tries to pull something through them.

My mother in law met my story with empathy and compassion.

Later on, I decided to change my view of father in law... He talks a lot about himself, and again, from my past bias, narcissist behavior = danger and pain. And at some point, something switched in me, and I decided to listen to him, to validate him, to recognize the grandfather he wanted to be to my children and how much he loves them. And low and behold : he listens to me more now as well. Makes delicious bread for us and is more appropriate than he used. I think my own defensive behaviours was what made him react with hurtful comments or disrespectful ways... Triggered something in him.

All this to say... Last week, I went with my children at their house, we had tea, and when I left, I wasn't drained, I felt loved. And so I went again, and again : only love there. They are not overly involved, they don't invade and they welcome us anytime we visit and will take our daughter with them once in a while, and treat her and love her. They want to be grandparents, and overall, while we had our headbutts, they respect my decisions as a mother and they try to help me in my struggle as a mother as well with support. Now more so since I have changed how I approach our relationship and opened up to their love.  

They are welcoming.

All this because I was finally able to recognize my own bias...

Trauma came with a veil over my eyes that I didn't see. I am starting to lift it and I feel my mother in law is currently helping me heal, just by being who she is. Not perfect, but enough.

I am grateful for my in-laws too, and wanted to share your joy of being part of a family that is overall healthy. :)

The BPD family dynamic is, unfortunately, shaming. I got it from my mom, juxtaposed when she was proud of me, very confusing. My ex grew up internalizing mutual shaming between her parents to each other. That's not a healthy mirror. I'm glad that you are supported, despite the annoyances  :hug:

WalkbyFaith I am pleased you have this kind of healthy validation in your life. This is normal, loving behaviour from your in-laws, not the helter skelter world of our BPD mums.

I remember when my dog died a couple of years ago, I don't have children and it was heart breaking having her put to sleep. My mum wailed and sobbed down the phone as if the loss was hers...then the next day, as if nothing had happened, asked when I would get a new puppy. Conversely my mum in-law was so loving and respectful. She acknowledged our pain and was pitch perfect in her response. She still talks about our past dog now, how clever she was and some of the comedy moments we all witnessed.

I have a memory of having a sleepover at a friend's house as a teen. Must have eaten too many goodies - got sick to my stomach. Her mother heard me in the bathroom, put a cool washcloth to my forehead. She was kind and consoling. Likely- to her, it was not a moment to remember. She was just being a mom.

I remember this because this was new to me. I don't recall my own mother acting nurturing. She didn't do these things. There have been other times when other mothers acted nurturing to me, but not her.

I had hopes my MIL would step into that role a bit. Although she's a kind, good person, she is not affectionate. Her family is her #1 love and I know she cares, but she's reserved and doesn't show emotions much.

For me, the nurturing has come from being in the motherly role- to experience the caring bond with someone else ( and also fur babies too).