BPDFamily.com

I recognize that with BPD, the pwBPD has an impairment in emotional regulation.  I recognize that despite the fact that J is completely aware of the problem, she cannot help but escalate and chase conflicts that arise.

To J, she may understand that people have misunderstandings and disagreements, she is forced to feel that any communications of regret, apologies or offers to reconcile the issues by myself, her impression of me is that I am a vertiable Lucifer in the flesh.   She can’t help but see any attempts to resolve or de-escalate problems as the work of an actor looking to manipulate her into a false sense of calm.   Eventually, time causes a return to emotional homeostasis.

My biggest problem is that many of my human flaws cause her to instantly reject me as toxically flawed.   I have ADHD, for example- so I am often very distracted by ANYTHING.   She may say things and I have problems understanding or paying attention to everything said.    On top of that, J has a tendency to convince herself that she says things and that it was just ignored.   

Example:  “Are you hungry?”  is followed by DEAD SILENCE.   4 straight minutes later she replies, “I SAID 8 F*CKING TIMES THAT I AM HUNGRY!” at the top of her lungs… “OPEN YOUR F*CKING EARS, DIPSH!T!”

Sometimes she will say something that I didn’t hear or that I didn’t pay attention to and she takes literal deathly offense to the fact that I didn’t hear her or that (my ADHD coping mechanism) I went on auto pilot and said yeah or chuckled… Again- mortal abusive behaviors to her- but that’s just me being ME.

While I can’t change my flaws and personality and coping mechanisms for my own problems (which I admit are not helpful), how do I help keep her sane and myself sane at the same time?

No, you cannot keep her sane, but you can do that for yourself. You cannot stop her verbal abuse, but that doesn’t mean you need to listen to it. Why not take a time out, telling her you’ll return in a half hour and then “we can have a respectful conversation.”

Boundaries
 (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

Since she is so disregulated, you have to make the decisions concerning what is tolerable in the relationship. Is it possible that you are in fact tuning her out for self-protection? If so, you need to deal with that. If, on the other hand, you have explained to her that you may not always pick up on something she says, but that you aren't doing it to upset her, then the ball is in her court. It may be annoying to her, but annoyance doesn't equal a free ticket to become abusive.

You have then to decide how much verbal abuse you want to take, and how you want to respond to it. I told my W if she gets angry or abusive, I'll end the conversation, won't argue, and I won't do what she wants. After a couple of months this is working about 50% of the time, which is considerably better than zero.