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I read a post some where else about pwBpD using friendship with exes to get over what they previously shared with the same exes. "They are using you to help them get over you". Is there something to this hypothesis? It makes question the friendship on offer. Is being a friend me potentially shooting my self in the foot? I dont wanna sabotage a future reversing of our breakup.

For context my pwBpD is an ex lover. He has a GF, they were together before we ended. We are now friends. We do friend things like go out together to eat, meet for coffee, go to the cinema and play video games. I am mostly happy with friendship for now BUT I do want him back as more.

Do you distrust him due to the fact that he was cheating on you/or his other girlfriend?

He and I both practiced the poly lifestyle as Friends With Benefits. I was aware of his GF, she was a FWB of his at the time. I knew at all times how things were progressing. Non-surprisingly they became serious fast. Literally the hour before he ended things with me, he had been texting plans for us for the following week :( He and she wanted to explore monogamy (she is mono). He says she stabilizes him. He has a habit of giving up himself in relationships for that stability. He is in treatment. His therapist encouraged him to go mono. Their relationship has a built-in end date due to immigration issues. They'll wither get more serious to be overcome that or they wont.

I distrust probably because I have read too much about BpD. He is in treatment. He appears to have his symptoms under control. I find myself questioning every thing. Am I a stabilizing third leg of a stool? Am I ruining any potential return to us being lovers? I have a history of codependency myself which I am having to re-addrrss with my therapist as it has been triggered by the quick end.

Let’s look at it from his girlfriend’s point of view. She wants to be monogamous and he has agreed to do so.

So he’s seeing you. Is he disclosing this to her? Is she OK with you being friends? How do you suppose she’d feel if she knew you were waiting and holding out hope to return to a sexual relationship with him?

Depending upon how you answer the above questions, is he demonstrating integrity through his actions?

That is a very good point @catfamiliar
I had not thought about it from that angle. I did ask previously if she was okay with us being friends. He said she was okay with it, which I found surprising because most people would not be. He also told me that she 'may' be open to opening their relationship at a later stage...which I also found unusual...because why would she ask to be exclusive and for monogamy if she wants to open their relationship at a later date. I think I'll ask a few open questions the next time I see him as a friend and literally listen to what he is saying. I put a boundary in place a while ago asking him to not discuss personal issues about his relationship with her. I felt it was weird to know deeply personal things about a person I have never met or even chatted to.

I do try to see beyond his diagnosis, but the more I read about it the more I question. I think you have pointed out some thing obvious which I had chosen to ignore up to now, thank you for opening my eyes. I do not want to be engaging in such behavior if he is being disloyal or lacking in integrity. Cheating is a firm boundary for me - and he knows this.

Hi Silverdash! I wanted to say that I admire, and feel inspired by, how honestly you are exploring and expressing your feelings. That's not always easy.