BPDFamily.com

I’ve been struggling for years with how to best deal with my son with BPD traits. In and out of therapy. One crisis after the next.  This past year has been extremely painful after he graduated hs and moved out, he has barely talked to me. I finally reached him yesterday after not being able to get ahold of him at all since December. He said he didn’t want a relationship with me anymore because of all the horrible things I’ve said about his girlfriend. His girlfriend and her family hate me because of all the horrible things I’ve said (that I haven’t ever actually). I have thought all this was part of his illness, because his reality is typically so off and blames me for many things I never did. But he said my other child, his sibling, has told him things I’ve said and he gave me a list. I went to my other child and she admitted it. This isn’t like her at all. I’m extremely hurt she would pour fuel on the fire and do this, especially as she’s seen how painful this has all been already for me. But I also have empathy because I think it came from a place of years of my attention going to therapy and taking care of his chaos. I wonder if she needed the attention that badly. It seems to me that she liked him not being the center of attention for a change. She has seemed to really enjoy having me to herself this year. I always tried to give her a lot of attention and love, despite the chaos, but I understand that this all has greatly affected her too. Not only does this affect us as parents, but it is heartbreaking how much it hurts our other children and how much it hurts the family system. My dreams of a unified family where my adult children and their spouses all do things together will just never be a reality. I’ve been trying to accept this new reality as I read everyone’s stories on here. It sounds like everyone is struggling to accept their realities.

So I definitely understand why should would do this, but there also needs to be boundaries around not telling lies and also, just wow, one more curve ball to an already exhausting situation. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation with siblings of a BPD adult child being so affected they (I’m sure not fully consciously or maliciously) tell lies to make it worse?

My two children (upwBPD is 24; younger sibling is 22) are completely estranged. The older one made life miserable for the younger one, who moved out of our home at age 19 and who has struggled with severe depression. They haven't seen each other since then. This estrangement has been the worst part of my son's BPD—it's torn apart our family. The compartmentalization gets exhausting (totally separate relationships with each one, separate travel plans, etc.), but I don't know how else to handle it (I see a therapist once a month). I try to take comfort in the fact that the younger one is doing much better now and is thriving in his new life in another state, but it's really hard to see how far my older one has fallen. His status still has a huge effect on me—when he's doing well, I'm good; when he's unstable and agitated and talking about yet another job change or move or health problem, I get really depressed. I sympathize with everyone on here who've had their family structure wrecked by this disorder.

Thank you for your reply! I’m so sorry you’re going through that. It sounds awful. It’s hard to understand. It’s so hard. It seems like nonstop chaos and everyone is at odds and there’s nothing that seems like it can fix it.