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The communication between me and my BPD ex was very bad in the last few weeks. The problem is that I have to communicate because we have 2 yo daughter together. And this is tormenting me. Now she is accusing me of having a personality disorder, a mix between borderline and narcissism, she says. And I am starting to believe her. I asked my therapist if I have borderline, and he assured me that I don't. He said, "your ex was talking about herself, not about you". Meaning that she was projecting her inner feelings on me. Of course, I have my own issues, extreme fears and emotional dependency, otherwise I won't be in a therapy for 2.5 years. Before I left my home, I reached a stage where I could not sleep anymore. The stress caused by the relationship and my own dependency on her was unbearable. I did not have any other choice other than to leave. So for her this was a sign that I have BPD. I told her once, if you really believe I have BPD, why then you want me so badly  back in your life? She answered, "because I care for you". The problem is that I believe her lies and accusations. Why do I do that?

Yesterday, I did the mistake and engaged with her. I was with my child in the playing ground, and then she came and asked if she can set a bit. I agreed, and that was a mistake. I brought my girl back home and wanted to discuss something with my ex about my daughter. She twisted the conversation to be about our relationship. When I tried to avoid the topic, she accused me of having BPD and personality disorders. And before I recognized it, I was actually doing what she wanted and talking about our relationship. She wanted still to know why I left her, although I told her several times why. The discussion became very emotional. She told me she was sorry that she became a burden to me and that she respects my decision. I was very near to hugging her! Why? Because I still PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing love her, I miss her ... I feel like I can't live without her. I cried the whole evening at home and then woke up at 4:30 am feeling panicked. I could not take this anymore, so I told her that I don't want any contact for 2 weeks. This means, of course, I can't see my kid.

Oh man, I am in a very difficult place right now!

  I have been through this myself 5 years r/s and a child. The BPD here has one or a mix of these motives :

1- Validation that she can have you again. That way she can do the discard later.

2- Validation that everything was your fault so she can jump to the next target and be the victim guilt free. She cannot accept that it was her behavior that destroyed the household and left a child in the wake of divorce.

3- Just to keep you on the back burner for vampire feeding supply.

 I have gone through this cycle and went back to being intimate with her under different labels. Every time I did that it was a BIG mistake. It only prolongs the suffering and delays the healing.

 I too loved my ex so much and wanted nothing in the world more than to be with her. You have to understand that the change is up to her not you, and it is unlikely that they will change even with therapy.

 On our last encounter after I was abused for 2 years I had reached a point where my emotions somewhat shifted. I verbally defended myself by being on the offense, showed her the sheer power of the apex emotional predator I could be and that I only took the abuse and became a doormats because I loved her so much…

 She was shocked to say the least. Since then she appears to have moved on from attempting to recycle me. I’m not advising you to do the same but you need to go NC except about the child. I had to do what I had to do because I was ALWAYS being recycled even when she was involved with others. When I figured she sees me as a push over I showed her that I was only giving her my back because I loved her so much. I had to stop her from recycling me so I can hold my end of the no contact -except about child- deal. So far it worked and it helped me hold my end of the deal. There were couple faint attempts and I easily resisted them. She was not as persistent in pursuing a recycle.  She had to go elsewhere for validation and find replacements. In your case your ex seems to be more passive and you don’t have to confront her. Just make a determination to contact her about the child only. Make sure that is clear and known. Don’t be alone with her. Keep the relationship at arms length. Shift your focus to yourself and your child. It takes time.

 I know it is unlikely to learn from someone else mistakes and you may end up getting recycled under different labels too to learn how harmful that behavior is. If that is what you must do just be careful not to get in legal trouble or worse. You are not alone.

Thanks NotAhero very much for your reply. I really appreciate you took the time to read and answer me.

I think your point about her need for validation makes sense. She told me that she felt sorry for me because I am alone, and she asked if I also have some empathy for her. And when I said yes, she wanted to know exactly why. She wanted also to know if I still have feeling for her, and stupidly enough, I admitted that I too still have feeling for her. Basically, she got the validation she wanted. I don't want to do that anymore, it is like opening again a wound that is trying desperately to heal. How can I stop that? how can I limit our contact to be only about our child? Whenever I try to discuss anything serious with her about our daughter, she twists the discussion to be about her. How do you deal with that?

Btw, like you, we were together also for exactly 5 years. But you seem to be many steps ahead of me in the detachment process. After the separation , I am experiencing a lot of irrational fears. I spend most of my day trying to contain them so I don't go crazy. It is very difficult indeed.  The last 2 years were like hell and I do believe that I was traumatized becasue of this relationship. 

Finallyout,

I'm sorry you are going though this. It is a real challenge, as all of us here can attest. So let me and the rest of us validate what you're feeling. It's a natural response to the emotional abuse you have endured over a long period of time.

Many of us also are traumatized from the experience. I'm not sure if you read the recent post on "grief through the lens of PTSD." Its has some very helpful information on this topic. I would encourage you to read it if you haven't yet. I didn't realize that my grief over my breakup was compounded by the years of emotional abuse and that I too was traumatized. Understanding that is helping me go a little easier on myself for having such a hard time getting over the breakup and to think about what I need to do to heal and move forward.

Your having a child with her must make it even more challenging because you have to interact with her for the sake of your child, even when being part so you can heal would be beneficial.

Hang in there. We are here for you.

yes I've read the thread you mentioned and that what made me consider the possibility of trauma. Every time I go to pick up my kid, I panic because I have to see my ex.  At the final stages of the relationship, I used to have nightmares about her, to wake up in fear after that. I'd like to discuss that with my therapist next week. As I said, I am having irrational fears, most of them involving my ex. Although nothing currently indicates that something like this could happen. I can't help but to panic. I hope those fears would get better with time because they are interfering badly with my life at the moment.

I guess without this board and the support of my therapist and family, I'd go crazy at the stage of my life.

Waiting for it to get better

 I can tell you I was still in love with her even as she was destroying me psychologically until I came to an important realization with the help of my long time friend.

 My ex jumped to a replacement while continuing to have intimacy with me. Being a high caliber guy the replacement didn’t last, he basically couldn’t afford her for more than 2 weeks. When she realized her true “value” in the market she tried to re-engage with me desperately gas lighting the entire replacement pretending she did it “just to get me jealous “ and that she “never slept with him “ ( as if that’s the issue …).

 That’s when my friend pointed me out that she has a strong narcissistic comorbidity and she knows exactly what she is doing. If she didn’t have a motivating and didn’t know what she was doing she would not have attempted that scale of gas lighting - as pathetic as it was.

 Once I realized that she is aware of what she is doing, that’s when my forgiving nature was no longer there. I realized that “oh she is sick poor girl” was not an excuse and she is just abusing me with intent. It took me few weeks after that to fathom that fact. Then on the final confrontation I was ready for her. When she drifted from our child into the relationship and sex I fired away successive destructive facts to her face putting her in place. Like I said she was shocked, realized the gig was up. Since then I completely ignore anything she says that doesn’t pertain to my child. I do it in a cold and calculated fashion. I immediately respond to anything regarding my child. Any messages about anything else are left on “read”. When I see her to exchange our little one I do look at her with indifference ( therapist told me if you look panicky the BPD will feed off that and try to get under your skin even more). I have been like that for a short period of time since my last mistake couple weeks ago. I do feel different this time. I don’t see her as the woman from French novels that I pertained her to be in my head. She is just a loser, a child- mind you evil one- in a body of a grown woman. With the help of this board and other resources I know that none of this was my fault or my doing, I did everything I could. At the end of the day I was the one who went to therapy and came to the boards to try and save the relationship. My requests were minimum and less than standard ( like don’t scream at me in front of the kids ) and she didn’t bother to even try “well you piss me off “ and by piss her off she means literally my existence because she would go off without me even doing anything.

 So here is the deal, you are not responsible for her feelings. You are responsible for your child. Be strong, be there, draw strength from wherever you need but don’t be the sheep no more. Be cold at least in her presence and she will move on sooner than you think. For that to happen you must let her go, release her to her own misery. Doesn’t matter what good you see in her, let her go.

yes, this says it all

Hi finallyout,

I sent you a private mail a couple of days ago. I hope we can be of additional assistance in your healing process, please let me know if we can help you.

Regards,

Survivor