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Title: How to stop my self making text contact with ex & update on last meet up Post by: Silverdash on April 19, 2022, 11:53:51 AM Workable tips for not initiating contact with him? Please I badly need help with this. Most of the time it is me texting him. I know this is not healthy. I understand it is my codependency in full flow. I am hooked thanks to intermittent re-enforcement and my own issues. Im working on those issues. I am needy and clingy :( I need to stop being the one to make contact. Me initiating contact most times is not going to improve things.
What I did and tried so far: Changed his name to Ignore & block [I dont want to block him irl if I trigger him] Write text in notes & try to not send Tell myself I'll text him later or tomorrow Reminding my self that me contacting him will not reverse our b/up Update on our last meetup. Details in previous posts of our rs. We went to the cinema as friends aat the weekend. It was fun. At the end he brought up how happy he was that things didnt feel as awkward as our other public outing together as friends. [The last public outing he physically tried to keep as much distance between us and seemed a bit freaked out when his arm or leg would briefly touch mine. We were sitting beside each other. After there was an emotional text exchange intiated by me. It was a BIG big trigger for me to be around some one who avoids me or has issues being physically near me. And seemed scared or nervous to accidentally brush off me. I am not a touchy feely person, so those brushes were accidental due to cramped space. I was very upset. This then upset him. We communicated and got over it. Set up clearer boundaries.] After this recent cinema trip we walked around chatting. He talked about how happy he was that things seem comfortable between us now. He mentioned the previous time. I said I think it was understandable how we both felt that previous public outing as we are both highly sensitive. I said it was probably a normal reaction for HSP to have to that situation. He seemed ok with this. Again he told me how great the new gf is. I listened. I didnt point out his contradictory statements. For example: he says he can be himself and talk openly with her, but later says he cannot talk openly as she freaks out at his strong emotions or doesnt get it or goes cold. Gf will be emigrating in a few months. He says they plan a long distance relationship. I didnt really comment on it beyond saying that sounds hard. He wants them to be stable before she goes. He thinks this will help. I feel worried for him. I genuinely worry this is going to set him back mentally. I didnt say that to him as I felt it would not be taken as supportive. He says gf is fine with us meeting as friends. IDK if that's his opinion or hers... Title: Re: How to stop my self making text contact with ex & update on last meet up Post by: Silverdash on April 19, 2022, 12:18:28 PM To note...I do not want to breakup or interfere in his current rs. I am keeping to my boundaries on this. BUT I do wonder how can I be sure that I am not causing strain in his rs. Am I part of a triangle to either cause instability or to stabilize? I have no way of checking as I do not know his gf. I do like him as a friend. TBH I am giving up on the idea of us reconciling. He is hyper self aware due to treatment and successfull management of BpD. I do not want to fix him. I dont want to caretake him. BUT I do worry for him that his current rs appears to be heading for an unavoidable end due to large distances i.e.: she is going to the farthest place in the world away from where he lives. BUT I wouldnt be surprised if they move in together or he emigrates with her <~ because of what Ive read on BpD I dont expect logic
Title: Re: How to stop my self making text contact with ex & update on last meet up Post by: Cat Familiar on April 22, 2022, 04:44:41 PM What are you getting out of this friendship with your ex?
Title: Re: How to stop my self making text contact with ex & update on last meet up Post by: Silverdash on April 22, 2022, 07:51:43 PM We have a lot of similar interests. Ngl I do question how much was dpwn to mirroring, but then I remind myself many of those interests are thongs he has been interested in for a few years not recent ones. We have a similar dark sense of humor. I enjoy his company. IHe is hoghly intelligent and I like hearing what his pov is on different topics.
I am trying to not be the person to drive the friendship by initiating contact or making suggestions to socialize. Pandemic has prob compounded any co-dep or trauma bond as he is my first new friendship since 2020. May be NRE plays a part. When we're a round each other or texting, I feel like he cares about me...but that could be wishful thinking. Title: Re: How to stop my self making text contact with ex & update on last meet up Post by: formflier on April 23, 2022, 07:31:05 AM What an interesting thing to think through. I really liked your idea of writing notes and then trying not to send. It sounds like every so often you do send? Can you describe how many you send, versus don't sent 50/50 or 70/30 or ? It seems like you have the knowledge that you should NOT be reaching out to him. Can you describe how you came to that conclusion? Last: I'm wondering if you have a friend/accountability partner that you could text instead. Thoughts? Best, FF |