BPDFamily.com

Hi there,
Just found this website and felt compelled to post. I've been with my bpd diagnosed husband for almost 10 years now. Tough 10 years. He swept me of my feet and I left my home country to move to the UK where he is from. We have a child too. Toddler. Since having her I'm more and more realising I may have to leave to protect her from his mood swings. He is suicidal, throws things, slams and yells with any sign of stress. I think it got worse since we got a child. He is so very depressed. I contemplated leaving him before but I worry he will kill himself. I ve been called a protective factor by health professionals before. Its a heavy badge to wear. He's been trying to get help but they are not offering proper therapy here for bpd. He had one private therapist but he says she triggered him so we are on the look for another one. He can't work. He can't function. I feel lonely and terrified how his behaviour will affect my daughter. He is a good man but when he is unwell it can be unbearable. I want him to have a proper chance at therapy before I can make my decision  but how long can I wait before he affects our child massively.  She is only entering tantrum phase and I can see that will trigger him a lot already.

Welcome to the Fam.  :hi: I just wanted to let you know we are paying attention and listening. Glad you found us. This will be a phenomenal resource for you. Some of my team will be chiming in here most likely as I am going to tag them in here. Continue to post and vent as much as you need to. We will have your back here.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

*welcome*

So glad you made the decision to make your first post! 

Can you share more about what "compelled" you to post? 

I'm curious about your decisions to post on "detaching" because it appears you are really interested in seeing if therapy works.  Did I get that vibe from you correctly?

Best,

FF

Thank you both for such a warm welcome. I dont think I realised I posted in the wrong topic but I think I am thorn between giving a chance for therapy and finding a way out sooner rather than later. I know therapy will take long time and I don't know whether me and my daughter have that time to  give. He often says he ll kill himself in her presence, he hits himself and I am terrified of how that is affecting her. I think I might have to leave to safeguard her but that could put him at risk of suicide. I would move back to my home country if i left him and thats another layer of complications that i just dont know how to handle and how will affect everything. I dont want him fully out of her life either but he is not good with travelling and i just dont know if he ll be able to cope. I met someone the other day whose dad has bpd and he said it traumatised him for life. He shared a lot and  feel like i ll have to do it but not sure I have the strenght yet. I might be waiting for him to give me a strong enough reason but i may be numb now and he may have already done enough in the eyes of someone objective. I can't talk to my loved ones about it so I'm not sure. My head is a bit of a mess...

What do police and doctors do about this when examining him/talking to him?

How often does this happen? 

Has he ever made any "attempts" to follow through on the threats.

We can keep talking about what board is appropriate, there is no rush to switch.  We are all just so glad you are here. 

I'm sure we can help!.

Best,

FF

Moderators have moved you over to the bettering board.

That's not to suggest you posted in the wrong place, instead we believe the "vibe" over here on bettering will help you/guide you better than on detaching.

Best,

FF

Police and doctors do nothing. If he actually tries to kill himself they lock him up for a day and that's it. System is so bad here.
That rarely happens these days though he says he'll kill himself a lot.
Today he slapped me in anger for the first time ever. 9 years together amd that never happened before. I'm a bit stunned to be honest and don't know what to think.

Thank you, although considering the latest development,  I think I should me moved to the conflicted about leaving board. I spoke to my therapist and she has urged me to make safety plan and seriously think about leaving now, especially as he slapped me in frot of our child. I am making every excuse under the sun but i know  this is the right thing to do. But it's so hard. I just feel I should forgive him and make him feel better. He is quite distraught over what happened. I am overly emotional atm and can't think straight. I hate that I ll be a single parent and I can even start to think of the logistics of all of this. Apart from my therapist I told no one. She thinks I should notify someone so there is a record but it feels wrong. I ve been pondering leaving him for years and now there is a strong enough reason I feel like I can't...or don't want to. When he is in a good way he is a great dad and person and such fun to be around. But bad ways will come more often with my daughter starting with the tantrums. They are triggering to him I can see. That's how the slap happened. He was drinking that day too.
I would appreciate any advice or thoughts. I know what's right but God, I feel like mourning and crying the end of a perfect relationship,  which it never was.

Hello  :hi:

Welcome to bpd family.

I'm also in the UK my exbpd had some help through steps2wellbeing which they can offer cbt/counselling, There is some private programmes to bpd here also or if when the police was called in my situation  I had a dv officer and he had threats of suicide and would call them or he would be in hospital for feeling suicidal.
 
Has he got a mental health team at all, and do you know if he has told the truth as my exbpd would say all kinds of thing with therapy or felt betrayed by his health professionals even his gp and would give up on medication, has your husband been offered any?

So violence towards you has started?
 :hug: I'm sure this is all very upsetting for you and it must feel really confusing at the moment be careful as it may get worse as he has started that.

I would say here in the UK it has changed I think it wad 2019 but not sure if that is 100% correct but if a child is seeing that behaviour it is now classed as domestic abuse to children and it does come under safe guarding. If you are considering staying you do need to safe guard and have a plan when he is in a episode/ splitting etc.

if you are condersidering leaving I suggest you make a plan to leave and be prepared it can get worse on both sides.

It is good that your thinking of your child's safeguarding.

I know it really does hurt when we are in a mouring phase of our breaking down realtionship.

My exbpd Did occasionally hit me but it did get worse and my children did witness  it I have 19 month and a 11yr old and my daughter struggled with the behaviour and unkindness. my toddler started to have sleeping problems.

So if you look back at your self in from 55 let say where do you think you will be,

what life would you like to have for you and your child?

I'm going to pm another area that I think that might help you and benefit you and your toddler.

if you ever need support can always pm me if need be.

Take care.

I forgot on the pm

the thing I sent they have some books on there also it might be worth looking at them if you can but don't read them at home.

So proud of you for engaging with you therapist on this issue.

As far as moving boards, that's something you do (we don't move you..just present the options). 

So..I'll keep an eye out for next post on the conflicted board.  Just go ahead an make your own post over there.

Best,

FF

Thank you so much for your message and response here.

He is under community mental health team but they are planning on discharging him to the GP soon. He has been under them for years and i have been fighting them to offer proper treatment. They don't want to offer cbt (he did do some and refused other) as his needs are too complex for that and are unable to offer him longterm therapy. They are assessing him and thinking on adding a comorbid diagnosis of bipolar. He is on medication. Crisis team tried to add another medication  recently after a crisis but he refused it. I supported him in it as the assessment of that was so poor and he was previously on that medicine and it didn't help.

He has been in hospital before but only for a day or two after a suicide attempt. He was never kept in long-term.

I am aware this is a safeguarding issue. He was half asleep and had a drink when it happened, and of course it isn't an excuse but the thing that is so confusing about him is that he is the most emotional and sweetest person when in his right mind. Cries watching adverts, loving and caring.

I was considering leaving before. I dont know why now, after he actually slapped me, there is this strong resistance in me.

I guess i am also worried about him. I am the bread winner of the family. He doesn't work and is not able to deal with any admin things. Also the logistics of leaving, me potentially moving to another country... i don't know, there is too much there and my mind is rushing and freaking out.

But thank you for your thoughts. I really find this all helpful. Just hearing other people experiences is a lot. For all this time I ve never spoken to anyone who was in a relationship with a person who has BPD.

So glad you are connecting here.  I hope we can help you sort through all of this.

We get it.

Best,

FF

Thank you FF. Really appreciate it.