BPDFamily.com

 :help:

Hello all,

I’m writing this at 4 am after mulling over the terrible gut feeling I’ve had for the last few weeks due to the severe increase in my mother’s outbursts. A little background…

I am a 28 year old female who works as a social worker. Growing up, there were always subtle signs that my mother had difficulty regulating her emotions as well as not so subtle signs of enmeshment. Her behavior was somewhat normalized as a child and young adult, often leaving me and my 22 year old sister feeling guilty and fearful of saying no.

My mother’s behaviors have DRASTICALLY increased over the last 6 months, leaving my 11 year old sister in complete distress. Last week my mother up and left the night before Easter, telling my stepfather she wants a divorce and that she is done parenting my little sister. My sister stayed with me for the week while my mother and stepfather went out of town in order to “work on their marriage.”

Immediately upon their return (5 hours after they picked my little sister up from our house) my mom had an extreme outburst, again threatening to leave and told my sister again that she is “done being her parent.” My 11 year old sister is adopted, so this is majorly harmful for her.

We are having a family “meeting” on Thursday in order to come up with a plan for creating a healthier environment. However, my step father has been manipulated for so long, that they are both placing the blame on my little sister…stating “she just had a whole week with you doing fun things, we expected her to be in a better mood when she got home.” Neither my mother or step father want to place the blame or accountability on my mother, despite her harmful behaviors toward my sisters as well as myself.

I am asking how to even begin this process of accountability with trying to prevent an extreme physical/emotional outburst from my mother on Thursday. Any thoughts? Or any thoughts on how to move forward in general? I feel distraught, alone, and sick a majority of the days. My mother is stonewalling me right now, not willing to take my phone calls. So I imagine that I will not be speaking to her until in person on Thursday. She sees a therapist now, but is not truthful with her regarding her outbursts from what I’ve observed. Any help is appreciated.

This is the age where the relationship could get more difficult- adolescence- where the child is becoming more autonomous. Could it be that your sister is the "scapegoat" child? You may not have noticed the extent of your mother's behaviors with you if you are in a more favored position.

It's good that you are a social worker and so know the laws in your region about what constitutes child abuse and custody laws. Being rejected emotionally by a parent is tough. Would it be possible for you to become the foster care home or gain custody of her?

Don't expect your mother to accept accountability. Her husband will enable her. Your sister will likely remain their scapegoat, unfortunately. It works for them- they bond better when they have a mutual "persecutor" on the Karpman triangle. You mother takes "victim" perspective and her husband "rescues" her.

Be careful about jumping into the triangle dynamics. This works for them and so trying to convince them otherwise might not be effective. In this case though, there is a child involved. A true victim is someone who doesn't have choices, who can not be on their own and that is your sister who is still a dependent child. Yet, your mother sees herself as a victim. Your step dad will step in to "rescue" your mother and blame your sister. You see how inappropriate this is, but they may not. It may take some legal intervention to protect her.

They may also see you as "persecutor" in this triangle if you intervene but hopefully you can do something for your sister. If they do, try to not take it personally- it's the dynamics.

Your little sister is the real victim there, no doubt about it. And I second Notwendy that the dynamic will not change. If it does, it will take years and the damages will have been done by then.

Emotional abuse is still abuse. Whether she is being physically assaulted or not, her mind is being actively broken down by your mother and stepfather right now, and she needs to be protected.

As to ensure no outbursts from your mother, at least during the meeting, there are plenty of ressources on this website about JADE vs SET. However, those are tools that can be more easily used by adults... For an 11 years old, it will be closed to impossible to manage your mother's outbursts and frankly, she shouldn't have to. This is your stepfather's role: to protect his daughter. If he won't do it, an ideal scenario would be to get her out of there, into a loving home (may it be you or another family).

There was a time when I would have told you : children are resilient, but since I started therapy, this time is long gone. Abuse is abuse and child abuse specifically should never be tolerated. She is still a child.  

I want to recognize you and the role you are taking in all this to help your sister. Many people close their eyes, I am grateful to see you are not closing yours and actively working in finding solutions to help your little sister.

Good luck