BPDFamily.com

I have been with my BPD boyfriend for 2 years. He didn't accept or really become self aware of his diagnosis until the beginning of this year (he was diagnosed years ago but was not in a place emotionally to handle it)
Now he is seeing a therapist, a new provider for medication management and has been on zoloft for 2-3 months now.
He says he feels a lot better with the zoloft. Says he isn't as up and down or emotional, makes decisions easier, etc--
but at the same time.. for me living with him I still see the there are still some true challenges and I am quite frankly..exhausted. for a while he was onboard and self aware and taking ownership and responsibility. but as time goes on he is getting this mentality where he thinks he is getting so much better, doing so much better, etc. In some ways he IS, and I would never discount all of the progress he has made-- but its so exhausting because I believe he is harboring resentment towards me for feeling a, b, & c.

He dissociates frequently...gets the out of body experience, is everything real, etc-- The biggest trigger for this is his children. He is not at all happy with the situation and distance with them because of their mother. But it causes dissociation very very easily for him.

He has been splitting all the time and I don't know how to deal with it. He will have a dissociative episode, get really exhausted or "Switch off" and the next day or later either turns into a complete jerk or acts like..nothing at all. He has been aggressive and angry and resentful and avoidant. He lashes out at me if I talk to him, if I don't talk to him. Nothing I do or don't do in those times is right. I don't know how to handle it anymore-- He won't or can't communicate with me at all when he is like this, and it is breaking my heart. I keep trying to hold on, but it is really starting to affect me. I KNOW who he can be and who he is and this BPD part of him is not truly him.
I am wondering if this will truly get any better? HE is just starting to get into DBT therapy with his therapist, but its 1 session for 1 hour weekly.. and its like..that day he is all on board, but forgets everything after that until the next session. He forgets things, conversations we've had, hurtful things he's said or done. When he is like this it is all me. He is better and doing everything he is supposed to, and now I am the one with the issue.

I am trying to be patient and understanding and supportive... But this is hard ya'll. This is so hard. I just want a normal life. I love him so much and want a normal life WITH him. How do I get him to see what he is doing before its too late and he messes up again or pushes me too far?

I KNOW who he can be and who he is and this BPD part of him is not truly him.

Unfortunately, BPD is the filter through which he sees life. We say that people don’t have BPD; they are BPD.

Hoping that he will get over BPD is not going to happen. However, there’s much you can do that will make living with a BPD partner easier and more pleasant. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page.

It’s totally understandable that you’re exhausted. Most people in your position would be as well. What can help is to have good boundaries, enjoyable pursuits that you cultivate on your own as well as good friends and family support.

The communication skills that work well with emotionally healthy people often backfire with BPD partners. Learn about not JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining) as this is something that is destined to go wrong when our BPD loved ones are ill at ease.

The more BPD traits a person has, the more difficulties they bring to a relationship. That he is willing to seek therapy and try medication is a good sign. Many people with BPD (pwBPD) are not.

When he is unable/unwilling to communicate, believe him. Do something on your own. Don’t try to engage him in dialog.

It’s a challenge to change how you respond to him when he’s unkind to you, but you needn’t appease him. That won’t work and he will just lose respect for you.

DBT therapy is the gold standard for pwBPD making improvement, but it takes time and a commitment of several years to make powerful changes.

There is no *normal life* with a BPD partner, just as there is no *normal life* with someone with a physical disability. However there can be a good life with a pwBPD, but you have to make some changes and adjust your expectations.