BPDFamily.com

My girlfriend is in one of those ruts that take awhile to get out of and I'm hoping she can get out of this one. In the past before I was educated on BPD I would do what anyone else would do when someone is saying stuff to them that doesn't make any sense, I would try to explain myself and tell her she's way off. I now know that that will not help. Now its just gotten to the point where I end up apologizing and try to make a scenario that distracts her without her knowing I set it up. She has told me in the past that we can talk about her issues but never when she is having an "attack". I agree with her in this aspect but I know that every time I bring something up that slightly upsets her she shuts down. She's been saying that she tells me literally what to do to make her feel loved by me and I swear I do as much as humanly possible, at least until the point where I'm not completely disregarding every aspect of individuality. I plan stuff for us to do together 10x more than any other couple I know but no matter how much more I do she says I'm doing the bare minimum. Its to the point where every BIG test I've had this semester (3rd Year Engineer Major) she says I'm not doing nearly enough for her because I have to study. I refuse to drop out of college but its no secret that since I moved in with her my grades have dropped rapidly. She has never once asked me to leave college but instead asks me to create more hours in a day (not literally) but that's the only way I could see me giving her the amount of attention she desires. I LOVE my alone time and I don't know if its because I enjoy being by myself or if its because I have to walk on egg shells around her 24/7. I sincerely love her but I don't know how to manage my own life anymore.

I know this post is all over the place, I'm new and every time I start typing I feel like I could write a book if I had the time but I cant let her see that I'm on this website as she has heard stories from other girls in her BPD group (idk if that's a great idea or not to be in it) that other guys come on here like me but then start treating their SO like garbage but i know in reality they are just treating them like a normal human. Last time I brought up that I read a ton of stories about guys in my same position she started screaming and told me to never do that again because I'm not a doctor. She can't possibly see how much her BPD effects others and I know I can't tell her because then in her head 1 of 2 things will happen. 1. she will call me a liar until she cant scream anymore. 2. she will become in a spiraling depressive state that will ultimately cause her to scream at me for making her feel that way.

the primary thing that youre not doing, really doing, is listening; really listening.

following someones list of "the ways to love me" is never going to yield success, no matter how closely you follow it. perhaps, even especially how closely you follow it.

your partner needs a lot of attention and reassurance. pathologically.

which is to say on some level, to make it work, you need to try to provide that. and on some level, its also impossible to provide.

because in providing it, youre trying to do the impossible. make the need go away. you cant achieve that.

furthermore, people with bpd traits, are inherently not good at communicating their needs. those needs may change. the extent to which youre meeting them or not meeting them may change. the blame for that difficulty in communicating her needs get placed on you.

the key is to learn to read between the lines, find the valid part of what she is communicating, and ask yourself whether you can meet that need, and to what extent.

shes asking to spend more time together. in part, that has to do with the waxing and waning of your attention. she has a need...but shes also being needy.

part of loving someone with bpd is separating their needs from their neediness. we have and love needy partners. loving them out of their neediness isnt possible. having a relationship where needs are met, by and large, is.

it means separating what may be a situational pull for your attention from "these are my needs in this relationship and you are not meeting them".

it means stepping back from taking the need and the neediness personally, and asking yourself if there are realistic solutions (there may be, there may not be).


it also means realistically assessing your needs vs hers, and whether, or to what extent, the two of you are compatible in this area. i needed a lot of alone time too. for me, an ultra clingy partner was ultimately not a good fit. its possible that we could have found a happier medium; mine and my exs way of communication wasnt the greatest. its also possible we needed different things and couldnt provide those things for each other.

If you are an engineering major, I'm guessing you are a problem solver. If that's so, then the first thing you have to realize is that you are banging your head against a brick wall. Once is putting it more politely, but basically, the way you are used to solving problems will not work in this relationship.

You cannot "fix" your GF. If she indeed has BPD her needs are beyond your control. But you are entitled to help yourself. If your grades are suffering, you are entitled to do what you need to in order to rescue them. This is part of what we talk about when we encourage people to set boundaries. After all, you already know that no matter what you do, she will protest that you aren't doing enough.

You need to set limits, in a non-angry manner, that will allow you to function reasonably. You can try to learn how to change your thinking and your behavior in ways that can diminish conflict with your GF, and for this the stuff you are learning in engineering classes won't help, unfortunately. Don't neglect your studies, but when you have time look at some of the books listed at the top of this website under "Tools."