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We spend the evenings after the kids go to sleep together, every night, so I have very limited time for myself at home. Time for myself at work is not the same thing, it's great but not fulfilling. Usually we watch youtube and eat something and drink tea. She will no longer trigger herself by media (not sure how long this will last) so there is not a wide range of alternatives that we can watch. So some nights we just sit and talk. And by talking, I mean avoiding to offend her in any way while mostly letting her choose what to talk about. Sometimes I feel the chemistry and I forget for a second how small my space in the relationship has become.

I have picked up a book from the library. The cover, the title and the book summary shouldn't be triggering to her. I will read it as often as possible and simply say that I'm caught up in the book. If I finish it this week, it will be a triumph, if I finish it next week, it's a success.


I wanted to write this post because I have to start thinking about the fact that living a boring life at home is a deal breaker for me too, not only being raged at and feeling guilty.

Reading a book by myself is a first step. Hard to feel guilty for reading a book isn't it?

I don't know if boring is the exact term. A lack of drama can feel boring compared to the ups and downs of drama. However, having strict limitations on what you can watch, say, or do is restrictive and that can lead to boredom.

A high conflict relationship is full of ups and downs and this can feel more exciting than calm. While you might wish for a calmer relationship, it may take a change in perspective.

Oh. I meant that the boredom is as much of a deal breaker as the drama and not only as opposites to each other. It's tiring to go home from work and not look forward to coming home. It's tiring to weight my words all the time. It's tiring to not just go home and have a full range of possibilities. To feel sad if I'm sad and happy if I'm happy.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's depressing.

I can relate to this.  My evenings are not so strictly bounded.  And my recent efforts have given me more space - I'm going to see a friend tonight, booked a night camping and more.  But I can very much feel trapped watching a show just to keep the peace.  Or sticking to a super rigid routine because I can't deal with the fall out if I am "unpredictable" (which happens anyway because I'm not a robot).

I'm trying to sort this out from the boredom I absolutely can feel from the lack of drama.  I also am trying not to create my own drama by changing everything all at once.

I too want that emotional freedom and some sense of ease to my downtime.  I'm accepting I won't get that and trying to come to terms with it.  I do really like my spouse much of the time.  Is that worth it when I have to plan activities or look busy at all times to get any space - even when we're calm?

Would you have any space to carve out even a 15-30 minute break to workout or something like that?  Just as a start.