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So... This happened.

Yesterday, we bought a puppy. It is our family puppy, but truly, it is my puppy, I can already tell, as he is lying on my feet sleeping. And my husband said so himself : " he is your puppy ! You train him !".

I visited two places. One were labradors, and the other German Shepherds.  

None of the puppies still available came to see me. One went to play with my daughter but none showed any sign that they liked me. Almost got the one that played with my daughter but something kept me from doing it. I had to wait, and see the other place...

Then I went to visit the German shepherds. As I stepped out of the car, I saw the father, in the forest. They had leashed him so that we could see the puppies by themselves. He was huge. And I felt a bit scared, taken aback. He was barking, wanted to come say hi, probably. Huge dog, imposing. The mother didn't mind us at all.

Then I went to see the puppies and funny enough : one kept coming to see me. Three times, I found myself petting one without seeing his collar, and everytime : it was him, the little green collar. Later, felt something against my leg: he was sitting next to me.

And I knew: there he is. My dog.

He came home, the cat, who is always scared, came to say hi, she isn't scared at all of him, like she knows him already.

And I am surprised to see how familiar he already feels in our house.

And I realized that part of me already feels more anchored in the present. The power of a dog.

And I know that he will become very big. A huge, male German Shepherd. So I am already socializing him, brought him to the park, am asking random people to pet him. He is already getting recall command and the look at me command. I have treats, I have a clicker and I have a purpose. I am taking this very seriously and would like to teach him to service me when I am having emotional flashbacks.

This is my dog. And weirdly enough : I feel safer in the world. My husband told me I felt different today. And I feel different... Supported. It is really strange.

I was just starting to realize how stressed I am in public. And I know having him with me will help me feel less threatened. I don't want him to guard me or anything... but I went through many abuses as a child and as a teenager. My mother set me up to be a victim, I was bullied, sexually assaulted, intimidated.

As small as he is right now, he already helps. And it helps that this breed is so very loyal. Already this morning, someone petted him. He let her touch him, once, then came right back to sit against my leg.  

I know this will require a lot of my time, to find him "work" to keep his intellect busy and on the move. And I am looking forward to it.

Funny irony is : my BPD mother hates German Shepherds ! lol  

She often offered me to buy me a puppy and to train him for me because of my children. She knew I have always wanted a dog. I almost told her yes a couple times, husband was the one saying no. I am glad I waited ! She just wanted the puppy phase, and it would have been yet another control and hurt for me, to have the puppy she trained... My puppy, my dog, is my responsibility, until death do us part. Plus, the children are good to him, and this is good for them. A bit more work for me : but this is work I really love! Training a pup is so rewarding.

Riv3rwolf, this is great news! So happy you are enjoying the company of your new dog. And yes, so much better to get a dog for yourself than one of your mom's choosing.

There is nothing better than a good dog! Oh, I love them.

Funny story...there is a breeder near us that specializes in German shepherds for police work. There is a temperament test given to the pups, and my friend got his dog at a huge discount because...get this...the pup was too sweet for police work. I just laughed. He is now one HUGE dog that is so well-trained and such a wonderful companion to my friend.

FeelingStuck : thank you, I felt full of energy today, even though the whole house woke at 5am. It was a full day, very busy, but I felt calm and patient. I found the missing piece of our family, the one I needed to feel truly secure.

Gagrl : it is funny ! The lady I found here had only managed to sell one on 7. I think people here are a bit scared of German shepherds for some reasons, and I admit that I, myself, was a bit unsure about them. But I read on them a lot yesterday and how loyal they are to their family.

Even the little pup we got doesn't seem at all interested in meeting new people. I will get him to, just because I want him comfortable and trustful, but I can clearly see the "guard" temperament.

I think this is why my mother doesn't like them. She always prided herself in how dogs just love her so much... How her best friend's dog prefer her to her friend, and how she just knows what is best for dogs... Thinking back on it: it is a bit weird. Like she is competing for her best friend's dog's love and attention.

Well, my stepfather has a sister, and she loves German Shepherd, she always had one, even two at times, it is her favorite breed. And my mother hate them, and I think it is because : they didn't give a damn about her, they were not aggressive at all, but they were very loyal to their owner, and they really did not care for my mother.

To a point where she actually made up a story about how one of her dog seemed anxious... So she said the son of this aunt, who happened to be homosexual, had probably raped the dog... Thinking back on it, this is such a horrible thing to say. I was maybe 17 when she told me that... Thinking back about it, it is so very wrong and a strange story to make up. Now I think she took it badly that the dog did not mind her... She couldn't get its attention and she resented the dog and the owner for it.

So very strange... It's a beautiful irony that today I have a German Shepherd ... Maybe part of me was looking for a breed she couldn't steal from me... But no .. it really is the guarding temperament. I just feel more secure now.

I am pleased for you! And that it is your dog to nurture your way. My first dog I was pulled about by so many family members, insisting that I trained her this way or that and mostly their methods were negative. My instinct told me she needed gentle teaching and eventually she flourished this way but not after mistakes had been made. I loved her so much and she really kept me going through some dark times in my life. She taught me what it was to love and nurture, she showed me the good parts of me.

My current dog, a boy, I made sure from the word go that I did all his training and he is so loving and gentle. Like you suggest, I find that with him I feel I can go to cafes and walks/run and I am less socially awkward and we can chat about him.

Enjoy your new love.  :wee:

Thank you Goldcrest !

Yes, we are doing very gentle teaching here as well.

My husband though, just doesn't have my patience. I was hearing him this morning while I was working: NO! STAY! NO! *swear* STOP, GO THERE, NO!

I came downstairs. He was trying to have him sit on the mat. I told him what word and what sign to use and he got pissed at me. (He wanted a dog too, by the way!). I showed him, gently called puppy over, to the mat, he came excited. Petted him, good boy. Told him to sit with the sign. He sat. Good boy. Told him to stay with my hand in front of his nose. And he stayed. Good boy. Brought his favorite toy over. And he stayed there, playing with his toy. He is a very smart pup. I have been training him only for two days now and he is getting it real fast, I am very excited. My husband felt bad. He gets impatient. Pups don't respond well to impatience.

So I am unsure what I am going to do about it. I hate hearing him scream and lose his patience like that. Bad for the children, bad for pup. But I have to get this thesis done... I don't know how to help him manage his anger better.

He really wanted a puppy but now seems in over his head when he has to watch the children.

We will get through. At least, husband never gets physically violent.

My mother would let my stepfather beat our dogs... kick them and put their nose in their pee... I think that's how people did it back then. I remember feeling so sad and confused, looking at them doing that. Dogs learn much faster when they are not scared of us. They are constantly looking for a loving bond... Like we were.

German shepherds are more easily trained than some other breeds. I have miniature schnauzers -- one male, one female. They are very, very smart dogs but have a stubborn streak that makes training sometimes difficult.

(And they don't shed, which is a big plus! You will need a stiff, strong brush for that German shepherd.)