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Her mood swings and insistence that I feel as badly as she does don’t control me. I flee this specific kind of abuse. It finds me, and doubles. Is it the devil? Is it my destiny? Punishment? Something I chose before incarnating? Rather than run or say I can’t take it anymore, I can take it for the rest of my life. I’ve spend decades facing this wearing various skins. When I leave it it finds me.

Hi Really now. I've read your post a few times now and each time it takes me deeper into something about living life alongside bpd. I think it's the constant battle to hold oneself in the face of constant emotional pressure - not to say abuse.

One explanation I tell myself is that bpd is intense, focused emotion that is designed to draw another in so that abandonment is avoided - even to some degree. The emotions rise up, pour out and often that itself is the thing that temporarily closes over the wound of abandonment.

The effect is that we are made to feel totally guilty and responsible - it's our fault that they are suffering, it is our responsibility to 'fix it'.

I found I carried the guilt and responsibility wherever I was, whatever else was happening. The only freedom, I think, is freedom from the guilt and responsibility.

So I've used a variety of means to try to get this freedom and to hold onto it: I use Red Chestnut Bach flower essence; I use mantras; I use all sorts of self help things to help hold this freedom. I imagine myself walking beside dd - my eyes fixed on my journey while she makes terrible decisions, sends verbal abuse my way and creates chaos.

Sometimes I can't manage it and I get drawn into the chaos. But more and more I am able to keep walking freely beside her, loving her in spite of the chaos and pain.

I feel like I have some 'me' space in my life now. I hope you can find some way that suits you to find the freedom from guilt and responsibility so that you can value and respect your own life, your own being and journey.

Thank you for your post - it makes a difference to us when people are prepared to express these things.

This makes me think of the Amy Grant song, "Somewhere Down the Road, " ...  "So much pain and no good reason why...". I relate to these posts and Sancho's words.  My husband and I lost four immediate family members during a two year period - to suicide,  Parkinson's, alcoholism and traumatic brain injury.  The grief was immense. But the pain of trying to help my bpd daughter is even worse. I often feel helpless and there is no end in sight.  I just try to keep walking down the road.