BPDFamily.com

I once met a woman on an e-dating site who lived in another state. We texted and talked on the phone for ten days or so, for an hour or two every day. I've never been married, and as we talked she began to seem like just the girl I'd always been looking for. I had the time and the money then, and I arranged to fly there to meet her. Because I was in a line of work that would have allowed me to relocate, the idea was that I'd stay for about a week, and if we really hit it off I'd consider moving there.

She'd seemed to be looking forward to meeting as much as I was. But almost from the moment I first saw her at the airport, things started going south--and not from anying I'd done wrong. The only good part was the sex, and after only two days I came home. Just a couple months ago I happened to read something about borderline personality disorder, and as I read on I t as if this very pretty, smart, educated, but lonely divorcee, with her beautiful house in the woods, used me like a male prostitute.

Now, a dozen years later, I feel sorry for her. I think deep inside her, there's hought, "That's her!" As I recalled both the way she'd acted and the feelings and experiences she'd volunteered, it became clear she met at least five of the DSM's criteria. Looking back, I feel a little demeaned. It'sa real sweetheart, and I hope she's been able to become happier or maybe even find a guy to love. But she was also cruel and selfish. I remember moments with her when I thought, "I could drop dead, right here, and she'd just shrug her shoulders and say to herself, 'Oh well'. All she'd miss would be all those orgasms I gave her."

All this raises a question in my mind:  If borderlines are just the victims of a psychiatric disorder, why are they responsible for ANY harm they inflict on other people? And if they're lonely and depressed, why should anyone care? If you're going to act like a rude, manipulative jerk who just uses people, why should people who see and hear about the way you act NOT avoid you? It's because our actions have consequences that we learn either to be nice and friendly, or to have other people shun us.

Hi there Curious.

That is an excellent, excellent question.

I'd like to take a stab and see where things go. I'm pretty sure your questions are rhetorical, but I think they merit discussion just the same.

If borderlines are just the victims of a psychiatric disorder, why are they responsible for ANY harm they inflict on other people?  BPD is not a psychiatric disorder. It is a psychological one. That means. that although pwBPD have trouble regulating, it doesn't mean that they are absolved of the choice to get help and stick with the programme. Even at that, psychiatric disorders are on a spectrum. That means that there are moments of clarity that can be seized to get help. So, yes, people with BPD, although one may understand and empathize, can and should be held accountable and responsible for the choices they make. This can, and should, be done with compassion.

And if they're lonely and depressed, why should anyone care? Who would want to live in a world that cares less about people than we do now. I certainly don't. I can care about someone without accepting or tolerating abusive behavior, for example.


If you're going to act like a rude, manipulative jerk who just uses people, why should people who see and hear about the way you act NOT avoid you?  Agreed. Avoidance is a peaceful confrontation.

It's because our actions have consequences that we learn either to be nice and friendly, or to have other people shun us. That's the principle upon which DBT is based. (or at least one of the principles anyways.)

Who's next?

Rev