BPDFamily.com

Since cutting contact, I've been thinking a lot lately about who I really am, what I actually like/enjoy, what I want, and what really is "myself." People say things like, "do something that makes you feel like yourself" or "when do you feel most like yourself" and I really don't even know what that means. I find it hard to pinpoint what feeling like myself means. Likewise, I've never really known how to answer the question of what do you enjoy or what are your hobbies.

And when my therapist asked me a few weeks ago, "What's your favorite thing about yourself?" I couldn't come up with a single answer.

I'm uncertain whether any of this stems from my mother or my childhood, but I assume it does, at least partly. I think I learned a pattern of stifling or catering what I want to what I thought she would want (or approve). And honestly, I believe I've carried that pattern into my marriage. I still tend to treat my needs, desires, and opinions like they're less important than my husband's, or else just bury them inside until I feel resentful. I still defer to him to be the decision maker most of the time, and I still want him (like I wanted my mom) to tell me what to do when I'm struggling to make a choice. Basically, I still don't trust myself.

I wish there was a test or a formula or something to give a definitive answer to who you are and what you want!  lol  Seriously though, have you all struggled with this too?

I do and I don't.

I often defer to my husband, I am unsure what my needs are, and sometimes I just don't think I have any.. but I think I am mostly taking responsibility for his anger and trying to mitigate his emotions, most times. It's not that I don't have needs, it's that I have a very strong resilience to loss of freedom compared to him... I actually can get myself to enjoy cleaning, while he is just frustrated at the tasks...

On one end, I could assume I don't know who I am, what "myself" is, and I struggled with this too ..

On another, I just don't mind... It's like ... It doesn't take much for me to get interested in something. Once, I was failing chemistry because I didn't like the class. Somehow, I got myself to start liking it and did great, just because I decided to make a very beautiful note book out of it and write things a certain way in it. It got me interested in doing my exercices and that was it .. in a way, it's like a superpower. A very weird superpower...

I think I was so unhappy growing up that I developped many ways to bring myself joy... It was very faint, but it was better than nothing. I am mostly equal to myself, I'm never overjoyed or overexcited. But I can get myself to like almost any task...

So ... I don't have one thing that I really like and that define me... I am very flexible in my likes and what I enjoy doing... But sometimes it does feel very gray and monotone... Like everything tastes the same.

You are not alone ! I understand the feeling.

You may not know the answer yet but start with little things that you do for you. Go get yourself something to eat - at a favorite place and pick something nice for you. Go to a nice park or museum. Make “dates” with yourself and get to know you !

Yes, I can also relate! I think it's really common that we lose ourselves in a childhood of growing up with a pwBPD.

I can remember my T encouraging me to just try different things as I learned who I was/am. Didn't matter if it was something I already did, or if it was something that I had once thought might be interesting to try. Some things may not hold my interest for long, and that's okay. Like NotWendy said,


 :hug:
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