BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I haven’t posted in a while, and I’ve been improving slowly but surely in my life. However, one bad habit I have that I continue to do is check her social media, and check a mutual friend’s social media.

I can’t believe how many new guys and how many dates my exwBPD has been with. How? Just how does she do it? I know my feelings right now are motivated by jealousy and hurt, but I just can’t believe how she could’ve moved on so easily and so quickly and then to hook up with god only knows how many newer men. It disgusts me and hurts me. I mean, is there any sanctity left in being selective?

I guess I just feel like a notch on her belt or something. A tally mark of her escapades. How can she repeatedly and continually meet and sleep with all these new guys and then just keep on going day to day in seemingly happy moods? Like she is also laughing and smiling and having a great time in these posts that I see.

I just feel betrayed still. Even after so many months have passed since we broke up.

I personally take sexual intimacy and whatnot very seriously, so to see my BPDex just throw herself around from one guy to the next really disturbs me even though we aren’t together. I know sexual promiscuity and impulsive sex is very, very common in people with BPD, but I reading about it and then seeing your former love of your life with other people are two very different feelings.

I didn’t know how else to process my thoughts so I kind of just threw them up here. If anyone has any similar feelings or sentiments I’d like to hear them. Or any advice or anything about what I’m feeling would also be greatly appreciated.

The main thing I’m messed up about is how she can just be with all these people so often and how cavalier and flippant she is about it. It really really makes me And our relationship feel so small and insignificant now.

- Deep Blue

Also, I guess I’m also angry and frustrated at the fact that they can just throw intimate moments from the past to the wayside and move on to other people soo ridiculously fast and easily. It’s really f’d up. I feel like the crazy person unable to move on meanwhile, my BPDex is having attention and whatnot thrown at her. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know what to do with myself. Any advice or thoughts are welcome

- Deep Blue

its a distinction in the values the two of you have.

sometimes, that realization, can lead to detachment from the painful feelings, or at the very least, offer a different perspective on it. it can bring you closer to acceptance.

it was immediately that my ex jumped into a new relationship with someone (she had been lining it up before we broke up), and it wasnt long after that that i was watching her and him on social media talking about how theyd just had sex.

i didnt even think about seeing someone else for about a year, let alone going beyond that. two pretty wildly different approaches.

when i thought about it, we had a stark difference in values, and the ways we navigate life, in an awful lot of important things, sex included. it was, in some ways, a source of tension, and ultimately something that came between us.

people come into our lives to teach us these things, sometimes about ourselves, then we go away, and they go away, with lessons learned from them, or not. i dont think this necessarily suggests that you or the relationship was insignificant; it illustrates a key difference between the two of you, and the kind of person you want to be with.

I see. But where does one draw a distinction between values someone has vs BPD tendencies. Like, I don’t think it would be accurate to say that having a tendency to fight or accuse your SO of cheating would be considered a difference in values. I guess I’m just ranting about how BPD tendencies, like excessive promiscuity or cheating, has been increasingly given a pass socially and said to be difference in values. It seems like a convenient excuse for ***tty behavior does it not?

DB...I'll be honest that I am happy to see a fire lit under your @$$! In truth this is not a bad thing, but a good thing. It is a sign you are improving. However, do not let the rage consume you. Instead use that energy and put it into something constructive.

I know I may have been hard on you, but I think now you are getting it. You are seeing the big picture and things for what they are. No one should ever be given a pass for cheating...in my view it is never acceptable. However, I still have to mention there are unfortunately nuances and situations that do allow for a grey area.

It is ok to be mad at the monster that is BPD. It just is what it is. I know it is hard to accept, but people with BPD are messed up and have to constantly deal with turmoil and emotional storms brewing in their heads. A lot of their behavior is by the design of running away from the weight of the negative emotions and feelings they deal with. Again...where you need to center yourself is that you can understand the behaviors, but that doesn't give them excuses. No, just reasons. There is a massive difference. You do not need to be a party to anyone who engages in such S  :cursing: behaviors. That is not your responsibility. You are responsible only for you.

I think you are getting there and eventually the switch will go on and you will get to the point where you are just sick of the S  :cursing: and say F  :cursing: this I'm done and then you will start living again.

All in all...you are doing better and improving. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

im not trying to debate the morality of being promiscuous.

the value you place on sex/intimacy vs hers is a significant difference between the two of you. it was in my case, too. when it comes to building a long lasting relationship, being on the same page about the things we value is vital.

if you think about it, there are probably more examples.

I've had a similar experience with watching how my ex had transformed into a sadomasochistic drug addict after we broke up. It was a bit shocking at first, like seeing a completely different person from the one I knew. It does bring up a feeling of betrayal, but I realized this other person was always there, just waiting for the mirroring to break. It's always helpful for me to remember that they're far from happy, and that their actions are an attempt to numb their deep pain and to avoid facing themselves or taking responsibility for anything they've done. It doesn't really have anything to do with us. They can't bear to take responsibility for their mistakes because everything is so black and white in their minds. So they jump around from bed to bed putting stuff up their noses and who cares. The thing about their promiscuity isn't so much about morality, I think it's entirely possible to be both healthy and interested in casual sex. The problem with BPDs and promiscuity is that this behavior, on top of their very serious dysregulation issues, is so casually reckless to others and themselves. It solves nothing.