BPDFamily.com

I filed for divorce from my wife and I really can’t believe I’m in this position. My full story is here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=352473.0

But in summary, my wife really didn’t show strong signs of bpd for years. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 6. After the birth of our son in 2019 she completely changed into a different person. Began resenting me strongly and had multiple affairs, which is completely uncharacteristic of her. She also doesn’t seem to show remorse or even care to reconcile or care about me at all, also uncharacteristic.

I don’t want to divorce. I love her so much and this behavior does not resemble, in ANY way, the woman I married. She’s cold, bitter, selfish  and disconnected from reality.

But I have no choice. She isn’t putting in any effort to right her wrongs or take responsibility for breaking up our family. Our entire marriage up until our son was born was so loving and non confrontational, no drama.

What I can’t understand is how she can be so disconnected and aloof about our relationship. When I told her I was filing, it was like I told her I was going to the store to pick up milk. I’m grieving so hard and it seems like it’s nothing to her.

It really just baffles me how someone can be one person for 10 years and with the flip of a switch, turn so cold and heartless.

I’m far from the perfect husband. But I was never abusive or short tempered. I provided for our family and was faithful.

Will she ever realize what she’s done? Will she ever regret not trying to mend our marriage?

She started an intensive 24 week therapy for BPD. I hope it helps her. As for me, I think she’s done so much damage I don’t believe I could even take her back or trust her after seeing her respond in this way.

Thoughts?

After leaving me for a guy 10 years her junior and 20 mine, my ex married him. Our kids were 1 and just 4 when she finally moved out.

Within months of cohabitation after marriage 1.5 years later, she started regretting it.  It took over another year before separation and then over another year until she finally divorced him. The hardest times were when she called me sobbing on the phone, "I never should have left you!"

While they were separated, yet still married, she asked to come back. I think I could have made it happen, but no, not after all of that humiliation and pain she put me and the kids through though the kids wanted it. To this day, our youngest, D10, would love for us to get back together.

PwBPD have trouble controlling their emotions (executive function). They will look for a safe harbor for the stability that is lacking internally. The "switch" is hard to comprehend, and I'll also admit that I made my mistakes as well, especially not being more empathetic to her diagnosed Depression (her dX'd Anxiety still drives me nuts to this day, but separation helps).

Focus on you and your kid. It hurts now a lot, and may never not hurt, but keep your eyes on the prize of a more healthy you and child.

Turkish,

Thanks for your response. Does it feel somewhat satisfying that SHE knows she messed up? Even if her and I never reconcile, I feel like I'd have more closure if she felt the impact of her actions. Not from a payback or revenge standpoint, but more so from a human to human, gravity of the situation standpoint...If that makes sense.

What's also difficult, is everyone in our lives, family, friends, church family, pastors, ALL do not recognize the woman she's become and are terrified by this. She's operating as if she's a different person in the same body of the woman we once knew. Everyone can see a drastic change of personality except her. She claims she's the same person she's always been...Couldn't be farther from the truth.

As for me, I've gotten into a good routine. Have therapy twice a month. Small group with my church weekly, coffee with my pastors a few times a month, good gym routine, better sleep and eating habits...I feel like I'm doing the best I can and feel way better each month that goes by! Also loving the 1:1 time with my son.

Yes, that was a bit of closure, even though anticlimactic.

I'm glad that you're not isolating yourself age the one on one time with your son is awesome. Don't underestimate the positive impact that has on children.

This too was my experience.  My ex's family was dysfunctional so in some ways I imagined I saved her.  We were married 10 years but increasingly I did notice some incidents she had with her co-workers and others.  I thought she would be happier if we had a child.  Wrong!  Having children does not fix deep mental health issues!  Instead, it became worse.  However, once I became a father, she started comparing me to her stepfather, the one who had abused her.

I actually wondered if she had PPD - Post-Partum Depression.  When she stopped nursing, she felt much better.  However, that lasted just a couple months until she had a major tiff with a friend and the downhill resumed.  And we divorced.


True, you have no choice.  You have to deal with the reality.


It is your decision, your future.  You decide.  You have a right to decide.

We just had a conversation yesterday about my H's ex (uBPD/NPD). She no longer engages in blatant infidelities (story of their marriage) but now in her 60s has reached a level of paranoia that is extreme and concerning. Her SO has been with her 20 years, and his blood pressure is off the charts and untreated. She will NOT be able to function without him and has never lived without a man. She has never admitted guilt but did attempt to come back to H about 10 years ago -- we had been married over seven years by then, so...no.

It took my H a very long time to pursue his own mental health, come out of the FOG, and allow her to live with her own natural consequences. But the adult children still need coaching sometimes.