BPDFamily.com

Hi,
Our daughter just turned 14. Her symptoms are in absolute alignment with criteria for BPD but understandably none of her care providers are willing to diagnose her. She has experienced sexual trauma at a very young age which further complicates her diagnosis.
While I have no intention to tell her she has a disorder that isn’t even been officially diagnosed. I cant help but feel that it may help her in framing her recovery by her knowing that there is a disorder that has very similar characteristics to what she’s been experiencing. I feel this may relieve some of her guilt, shame, and self hatred if she knew there was likely a specific reason for what she’s going through.
Thanks so much for your thoughts.

Hi MerlinTheDog
Your question is one that has been asked quite a few times on this site. I don't have the answer to the question, just a few comments.

On the one hand the things you point out about being able to join the dots and know what is happening is part of an illness could be a real positive in some instances. The things you point out like the self loathing etc are things that, as an adult we can identify and work hard to understand that bpd is a factor in feeling this way.

I am not so sure that a 14 year old - and one who is struggling hard with many aspects of the development of self - would have the clarity or skills to make the knowledge of a diagnosis a real benefit. It might even be the opposite ie I feel terrible because of this illness, this illness isn't going away so what's the point of putting up with all this pain.

My dd was not diagnosed until around 19 or so, and after the second hospitalisation. I think I can say that having the diagnosis did not make any difference to her journey. She is low functioning bpd and very impulsive and needy in her efforts to avoid abandonment.

I think if you suspect bpd the real positive of even feeling this might be the case is that you can begin now to read up, getting yourself informed and start practising the skills required to support a loved child.

You can also look at the support your dd is being given to see if it includes anything that is particularly good for bpd eg DBT.

I suppose I am saying that using skills and treatments that are recommended for bpd is something you can do with or without a diagnosis. They will be helpful for a range of symptoms of various illnesses.

For myself, I wish I had found this site much earlier and had used the skills I have come to learn over the years.

Thank you for posting and I hope you get back to us with your thoughts.